Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

The ever-present volcano!

(1/2) > >>

Anika:
Hi, everyone. As most of you know, I have had a wonderful couple of months with my N-mom. I am dating someone she approves of (for now) and he has a little girl. I posted about them in another forum entitled From one N to another.

My mother calls either my boyfriend or myself on a daily basis. She has even volunteered to watch “our” child while we were building our new deck. She is very interested in my b/f’s little girl and has become a wealth of advise about how I should raise her and what not. My mother is EXTREMELY good with children (as long as they are not her own) and I value her opinion.

The problem is this: I know for a fact that underneath her all her compassion, advise, and assistance there is a very sick person lurking in the shadows. I believe she is sincere about wanting to help me and “my child” but I know that there is a dormant demon somewhere just waiting for the hibernation season to be over so it can rear its ugly head. I’m sure she isn’t even aware of it.

This period of “good behavior” will go on for several more months and then I will inevitably do something minor to disappoint her (like have an opinion of my own) and she will withdraw all of her support. I will be heartbroken and devastated and my “daughter” won’t understand.

I will be reminded of all her efforts and generosity in an effort to make me feel guilty for my unacceptable desire to live my own life. Weeks, even months, will pass without word from her and then the cycle will begin all over again.

But for now all is well. The grass is green, the birds are singing, and the flowers are in full bloom as I awate the inevitable eruption from the volcano that will never be silenced. :cry:

CC:
Anika, Anika, be careful of the time-bomb ticking.  I am glad you are feeling happy, but I fear you are being romanced while you are becoming more emmeshed.  Perhaps you can find a way to become more independent before it happens - take steps NOW so that it is on your terms, not hers. You are feeling safe now, now would be a good time to tap into that power. Protect yourself.  Then you may actually be able to keep the peace during the transition.   Are you using any boundary methods?

Anika:
I am unfamiliar with that phrase, although I believe I know what it means. I may even know some of them, but I am interested in hearing your ideas too.

Yes, I am all too familiar with being "romanced" by my N-mom. Each time it has happened I have vowed not to let it happen again.

This time is different, though. I am armed: with knowledge. I KNOW what is wrong with her and I am not under the influence of any illusions of normalcy. I know that my mother is sick and will always be sick, but can't I at least enjoy the few moments when she doesn't act sick?

clara:
You could be describing my mother in this post.  She used to call every day, and was overly involved with my parentling, my life.  But then, every few months, BANG!  She would start crying over the phone about how I have been abusing her!!  For example, she would say that talking to her sister (my aunt) about my kids was disrespectful to her (my mother) because afert all SHE (my mother) was the grandmother of my kids, and this was like taking that away from her.  

Or she would tell me about how my husband (er, my narcisssitic husband I will admit) doesn't treat her with enough respect (well, duh, you can NEVER get enough resect going between two full-blown narcissists).  

When expecting our third child, she told me that she and my N-father decided to go away the week the baby was born (they are retired and can go any time), so they wouldn't be able to stay with the kids while we went into the hospital.  "Anyways," she said, "that''s how YOU treated ME when (first child) was born. You didn't even want me around the first day!!"

Yes, my mother loves to call and give advice.  But all the conversations are about her, or her advice, or her problems.  If I scantly mention my work, or things I am doing, she has no interest and changes the topic abruptly.  My mother is a very jealous, critical woman.  Sure, I could stay on friendly terms with her, if I was willing to provide her with an endless supply of selflessness on my part.

I also figured out over time that the more of myself that I gave to my mother and the closer I got, the more I was setting myself up for her vicious attacks.   She would tell me off in front of my kids, leave mean voicemails, and once she even mailed me a hurtful note.  Name calling, false accusations, distortions, you name it.

On those "nice times" that you described, I learned over time that nice times with her are only had if the conversation is about her. We never, ever enjoyed nice times where she would genuinely care about me.

If it helps any, even when she is superficially pleasant and nice to me I just silently say to her (in my head) "You are a self-centred, self-absorbed woman. You have never been there for me as a child, and now that you are a senior you only want to use me for your own gain.  You simply don't care about me. Only about yourself"

Over time, I just started caring less and less about my mother, and finding excuses not to talk to her on the phone.  Now she phones every few days, and we see each other about every two weeks (we live in same city).  Yes I feel sorry for her, but there is very little that I am willing to do for a woman who cares very little about me, my well-being, or my feelings.  And I certainly don't want to set myself up again for her vindictive, irrational, and unpredictable tirades.

I hope this helps. I think I feel a little better for venting anyway.

Anika:
:lol: Well, Clara, you had quite a bit on your chest, didn't you! I'm glad you were able to get it all off.

Yes, my mother is getting a bit anoying. She is now calling my b/f at home eVERY DAY while I'm at work! She has an endless curiosity about my life and our lives (the 3 of us).

"You don't mind if I call you just to check in on you, do you?" See how I worded that? That is a form of verbal manipulation. It's kindove like implied compliance.

Anyway, I don't dare tell her that her calling is getting excessive because she will withdraw from me totally and throw my insolence in my face later. Instead we are going to get an answering maching and begin screening our calls. Having dealt with her for so long I too have become a master manipulator. I pride myself on being able to rearrange the situation with my mother to suite my needs and still not piss her off.

Hey, we do what we have to do in order to survive, don't we?

When and if she starts her crap I have no qualms with putting her in "time out" until she can control herself. I am empowered by the fact that I KNOW what is wrong with her and I am working diligently to perfect the art of dealing with her sickness. I have the upper hand because I am educated about our relationship whereas her thought processes are twisted and child-like.

Insidently, how did you end up with a N-mom, a N-dad, AND a N-husband? :?:

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page