Getting the shaft, once again

[gratitude28]

We are flying up to Pittsburgh for my cousin's wedding in a few weeks. My parents will be there for a week before the wedding as they are going to a family reunion (which they forgot to tell me about... When I brought it up, she was all apologetic... Gosh, how could I have forgotten??? We would have loved to have had you there). So, they will be in the area. My sister and her husband are also going. She, in fact, is the reason I knew there was a reunion. So... I asked my sister if we could get a ride from the airport - I said if not, we'd be able to find another way. She said she would, but she thought my parents were picking us up. So, I sent out the itinerary and a note and said if they were in the area, could we hitch a ride, otherwise we would take a taxi. As usual, I realize, I gave them an out. Not sure why, but I always seem to do that for them...
At any rate - here is her response:

Honey,

 

I just talked with Dad.  We are not sure what time we will get to Pittsburgh, and Dad isn't sure of where the airport is, so would you mind getting a cab?  Also, look into a shuttle.  Pittsburgh is a big airport, and they probably have a shuttle to the hotel from there.  I'm sorry we can't pick you up.  Also, we are leaving for home very early Sunday morning, so again can't help you.  We are looking so much forward to seeing all of you there, though.  Can't wait to see you.

 

Love you,

 

Mom

First, she always says "honey" when she is being a bitch. Second, they haven't seen us or the kids since October, since they have had other vacations and things to do. Third, every time they have ever come to visit, we have picked them up, taken them out to a great dinner, made them comfortable. They didn't want to spend any more money the week of our wedding (they had been in town for a week before the wedding in a hotel), so they stayed in my tiny apartment so that in the morning I had to get ready in a one bedroom with three other people. The taxi is expensive, so it would be a nice favor to pick us up, plus the airport is very near the hotel. BTW, they had plenty of money to have a huge wedding for my sister and go on all other kinds of vacations - fishing trips, jewelry conventions, etc...

So I am feeling pissed. My husband was fairly stunned - his parents come to get us in the middle of the night, at the crack of dawn - whatever we need. And usually a bunch of his family comes and waits for us.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Love, Beth

[Overcomer]

Beth:  This reminds me of my husband's family, not mine.  I can always depend on family to take me there and pick me up.  Although probably not my dad for much longer - he has no get up and go.

I understand the sickening sweet "honey" reference.  Every birthday or other card giving occasion I get some syrupy sweet card which is totally out of character.

[Ami]

Dear Beth
 I always have the same reaction when you talk about your M and S . I think they are stupid not to appreciate you. I think it is their problem and their loss. I wush I could believe that more, in MY case. I can see it in yours, Sweetie. It is NOT you. They are very,very distorted. You are fine.    Love  Ami

[Juno]

Oh, Miss Beth, how very annoying and yet predictable.  I had something cheaper yet similar recently with my mother.  Every year she makes a big deal out of getting together for my birthday.  She lives an hour away and I don't get much time off so it is a hassle to schedule this.  A birthday card is enough for me these days anyway.

So, this year I actually had the perfect day to meet her halfway for lunch and I let her know almost a week ahead of time.  She emails me back:  She didn't have the appointment YET, but she WAS planning to get her hair colored that day and didn't really want to go out to lunch with me with gray hair.... I knew the right answer was:  never mind, get your appointment made and we'll go another time.  So, that's what happened.

The day she got her hair colored she emailed me again about lunch and said, her hair turned out awful, we could have gone that day afterall, LOL, just kidding.

So, still no lunch and now she wants it to be an ALL DAY activity and my husband can come if he wants to.  Oy vey!  She still can't comprehend my schedule even after seven years of me rarely having time off.  And this happens every summer.

You should be feeling pissed, Beth.  I feel pissed and mine is pretty minor compared to the slap you got.

[LilyCat]

Beth,

This is awful. It is abominable. I know whereof I speak, because this is the exact kind of thing my mother was always pulling on me. (Including spending all sorts of time and money on my sister but not on me.) I get the double act, totally.

I don't know why your parents -- and perhaps it's only your mother, as I found it was just my mom, not my dad so much -- do this. (I know why mine did.) If you're seeing a therapist, it would be a good question to ask.

I couldn't prevent my mother from doing this, but my way of dealing with it was to always do for myself. That is, I would, if I were in your example, arrange my own taxe ride and always arrange my own transportation in the future, etc. Whatever it was that I needed, I would plan and arrange (and do!) that for myself, entirely. Not even ask. It really is the only way to do deal with this. A taxi ride is more expensive financially, but emotionally it might be a real discount.

I think it's outrageous about your wedding. What a special, special day and how thoughtless and cruel and mean of your family to behave that way, on all fronts. It is really outrageous.

I can only say that there is no real working with this; you just have to get beyond it somehow, and I don't know what that is for you. I had to just learn to stop expecting anything from my parents (mom), period. It was hard, but it was very worth the effort. Yes, I still ached, but ... I don't know, it helped to be independent.

My heart goes with you, Beth. I truly know how hurtful this is.

(((((Beth))))))

LC

[teartracks]

Hi Beth,

At first when reading your post, I thought, Oh no, Beth's parents have volunteered to pick her up at the airport and Beth wants to take a taxi and needs to know, what do I tell them.

Girl, I gree with LC.  Exclude them form the loop of possibilities as far as getting your needs met in the future.  It will save a lot of wear and tear on your emotions.  I know it is hard to walk through their sludge time after time.  I wish it were not that way.

tt

[gratitude28]

TT,
Ha ha - at least I didn't have to try to get out of it Actually, my sister will also be there and she had said she would pick me up, but, in typical fashion, my sister and my parents talk to one another and I am out of the loop. And they make up all these plans without asking me and then let me in on it when they have decided how we are doing things. I haven't done anything with them in so long (the last big thing was my sister's wedding 5 years ago and that was indescribable) that I haven't had any issues with anything as far ask asking for/needing help.
Lily,
Thank you so much for your post. I have actually taken care of myself since I was in high school I stopped asking for rides, made my own money, didn't ask for ANYTHING from about 14 on... My sister naturally just got everything - no asking needed. So... I have been independent at least. I am thinking a therapist really would be a good idea - more about another issue (why won't they plan for their lives???) which always makes me feel bad that I do... Can I ask... Why did your mother treat you differently from your sister? You said you know why...

Juno,
I swear we were grown from the same seed. I swear every one of those words could have come out of my mother's mouth. We still have the whole birthday issue thing - but it's about gifts (something I have been kicking around bringing up for months, and may soon). It's the same sort of silliness. It sounds like she just wants to inconvenience you as much as possible (but unconciously). How are you, my good friend? You sound a little better. Are you seeing any light?

Ami,
Thank  you for being so sweet as always. I appreciate your comments.

Kelly,
Ugh - I am glad you relate to the extra sweet, kill them with kindness, crap. The more she is lying, the sweeter she is.

Leah,
Thank you for reading and responding... It's funny how similar we can all be, even with our differences.


Thanks everyone.
Love, Beth

[Juno]

You sound a little better. Are you seeing any light?

Well, I've been on the Cymbalta a week and I can feel it "coursing through my  veins" 

There are some breaks in the clouds at times, so I guess it's a go.....

Last night we watched "Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle" and I laughed the whole time.  Surprised myself.  VERY silly movie but I got a kick out of it.  Maybe my sense of humor is going to come back along with everything else that's gone missing for awhile.

I slept well two nights this week and that felt good.  It's going to be slow I can tell but I'm going to keep on with it.

The birthday thing has been ongoing for about six weeks now.  So, it was the first thing that popped into my mind when you shared your Pittsburgh story.  I think you are right.  The goal seems to be just this idea of me having to go to as much effort as possible for my mother.  It seems like I have to prove that I care about her in every situation that can come along.  It seems so contrived. 

I think she is ill at ease with me and is trying too hard.  I mean, I have now had 47 of these things and it really, really doesn't have to be such a big deal.  Maybe this is what happens when you really don't care for someone but think you should.  A WHOLE mother/daughter day together with lunch, etc. should prove to the WORLD that some big time caring is going on.  Yes indeed.

At the moment the ball is in my court.  Since I don't have a day off for a few weeks that isn't Sunday (and Sunday is my day of rest) it's going to just simmer awhile.  Maybe she'll forget.  I probably will.

[gratitude28]

As usual, your insight is amazing. I have been trying to pin down this idea for a while, I think - my NM is not at ease with me. My entire family feels uneasy around me. It is such a strange feeling since everyone else finds me laid back and easy to be with. I AM uneasy with them too, I have to admit. I have just always been the outcast to them.

I am so glad to hear you are starting to feel something again. I had a bit of a hard time trying to figure out what was "real" and what was not in my feelings. It bothered me that I could not control what the medicine did to me, I think, even though the changes were good. So, if you can be unlike me and roll with it, it will help I know you said you had already tried the medicine, so you may have already dealt with those feelings.

Lots of love, Juno. Thanks for more illumination.

Love, Beth

[Juno]

Beth, I'll tell you how I came up with the ill at ease theory--that is how I feel around my oldest son.  And I finally recognized it last October when we visited him and his girlfriend in NYC.  And I finally started to see how my feelings were making me act stupid and think things that were just in my head and I was making things worse.  I decided to go slow from now on and take it as it comes and see him for the separate, unique and excellent person he is and always has been.  It is really hard to do, though!  I can't imagine my own mother making those kinds of efforts or even recognizing what the situation really is. 

I have always been able to appreciate my youngest son for his own real self.  My oldest just came along a little too early in my learning curve.  With a little trial and error, I think I'll figure it out with him eventually.

My husband has always been the outcast in his family.  He is a little different from them.  Kind of likes to do his own thing.  Needs peace and quiet and needs to go at his own pace.  They took that personally I guess.  A long history in that family of abuse and exceedingly low self-esteem.  I encourage him sometimes to call his favorite brother and cousin.  It always goes well when he does.  They care about him.  But it just isn't easy.

About the medicine--when I went on Prozac, I was a nervous wreck and it was offered to me so I figured why not?  It was a relief to feel better.

This time I had to do the asking myself.  I waited and waited.  I knew I needed help in 2004 because after my father died I went into a kind of depression I had never dealt with before.  But still I waited and waited.  After almost four years, I finally ran out of ideas to try.  Basically I said UNCLE.  It's not that I think this is my last chance.  But if I don't do this then it looks like a long, long dull life of waiting for circumstances to change.  Now how's that for no control?

Beth, it's like the others here have said, it's your parents' loss.  They have no idea what they have in you.  Any normal parents would love to have you for their daughter.

(((((((())))))))

[Certain Hope]

Dear Beth and

Dear Juno,

I just want to tell you both how much I've appreciated the sharing each of you has done here.
These issues are so difficult! Beth, I had no clue how to respond when you first posted. Mostly because I've come to expect absolutely nothing from family, where my own needs are concerned. It's just so engrained in my head that my needs are my own problem and that's all there is to it.
The area in which I've really struggled lately is knowing that they could do so much to help my children...
but they won't ask what might be needed.
If I would prod and poke my kids to keep in touch and play the game, then the family might determine some thing they would be willing to do, based on their own priorities....
but there will never, ever be a simple, un-stringed desire to help, expressed as:  "What can we do?"
That hurts.
I can accept for myself that there will be nothing, but my kids deserve more.

Anyhow, it has been so very encouraging and calming to read you two coming to terms with these things... thank you.

Love,
Carolyn

[gratitude28]

((((((Carolyn)))))))))))
You are always so kind
As for the kids... mine have tried to create a relationship with my parents. My dad does love the kids, but he doesn't bother to keep up with a relationship. He and my son share a love for football, but my son will call, they will talk, and weeks will go by before he bothers to call again. My son would talk to him every day if he could. My daugher seems to realize that my NM does not have interest in other people. She likes her and talks to her, but doesn't get to concerned about whether NGrandmother talks to her or not. My parents make a big deal out of getting them gifts and judging how much they like them. And that's it. Beyond that, they just don't care much. The whole gift thing is very annoying. We go through it every birthday and at Christmas time.
Carolyn, I will never understand how grandparents can just blow off their grandchildren. That is really how I put a finger on the fact that something was wrong with my parents. I could accept them not liking me - I felt it was my fault. But when I saw NM had absolutely no onterest in her grandkids, I was puzzled and knew there was something "off."
Love, Beth

[LilyCat]

Beth, just to answer your question about why my parents/mother did this ...

My therapist says that I'm the one who was singled out to be the care-taker. It sounds counter-intuitive, he says, but the child who gets nothing sticks around trying to get something, and thus is available to take care of the parents. Typically it's a girl.

The child who gets his/her needs met, is given everything, is the one who's actually able to go out into the world.

I think there's a lot of truth to this. That's the way it turned out for us: my sister was the golden child, got EVERYTHING -- attention, whatever -- and, well, I'll just say she has less trouble in life than I do. I'm not going to say she's actually a better-adjusted person, because I don't think she is. She's just like the rest of them (except my brother) -- she'd rather die than have a feeling. Much easier to obsess over dogs. (Do I sound mean? Don't care. I'm on a quest these days to find my real feelings.) On the surface she looks much more responsible than I.

Also, as we worked through this, I had "visions" of my parents literally ringing my doorbell, showing up with suitcases in hand, and saying "Here we are!" It felt real. I always trust those kinds of visions.

I've been re-reading Alice Miller's Drama of the Gifted Child over the weekend, however, and I'm supplementing what my therapist says with her views, because I think they are very true. Essentially, a mother who is depeted in some way (my words) looks to her child or children to fill her unmet needs from early childhood. Instead of truly mirroring her child and being there in the true empathic fashion a parent should, the mother (caretaker) exploits the child, uses it to meet her need.

This is all done at a very early level; it begins at the first days after birth and continues thereafter.

To this day, to myself I have the image of my mother sitting there and picking her nose at me. That's what it feels like. Oh, the stories I could tell you. I just started the Alice Miller thing this weekend, notebook in hand, so I'm feeling particularly closer to the truth that my mother really exploited me. It was all a big lie. Everyone would have told you she was a saint; we were subliminally expected to sort of worship her (this from my dad), but in fact, she was a rotten mother. About all she did was cook dinner and make sure my dad was fed. (He was obsessed with food.) Never cleaned, seldom did the dishes, etc.

Sorry, I guess now I'm venting! But I got in touch with serious anger this weekend.

In any case, I hope this helps.

Much love to you. It doesn't surprise me at all that you say you are independent. I think you are also very strong.

LC