Hello all,
Sorry about the length of this post. Turns out I had a lot more to say than I realized...
I recently came to the realization that my older sister is a Narcissist. Our grandmother (my dad's mother) was also one. The similarities in my sister's behaviour are sometimes kind of scary.
Since I was a teenager my sister and I have had a love-hate relationship. She is 6 years older than me (I'm 29, she's 35). She lives in B.C. and I live in Ontario, so we don't see each other very often but up until recently we would talk on the phone usually once or twice a week. Now when I say we'd talk on the phone what that means is she would talk about her life and her problems and her goals and I would listen and offer advice. She almost never asks me anything about my life, except the bad things (like my health or my husband's ex, who is also an N). When I told her I was going back to school her only response was "Why?" After I answered that question she changed the subject back to her, completely disinterested. She has never asked me about it since.
Almost every time she comes back for a visit, which is usually at Christmas, there is the inevitable huge family blow-up - which she orchestrates. She will actually go from person to person like a politician, working the crowd for support. Then she will attack her target, which is always my father or me. When it's me she will either attack me directly (often bringing up the past - she has told my parents that they failed her because they didn't stop me from borrowing the clothes she left behind when she went away to university) or she will attack someone that I'm close to. The last Christmas she was around (2 years ago) she attacked my best friend, who always came for Christmas dinner at my parents' house. She said that my friend was like a foster child and that was how everyone saw her (which my parents vehemently disagree with) and why did she have to be at a family event, since she wasn't really a part of the family. My friend was devestated and did not come to Christmas dinner last year.
When I got married in the spring my sister arrived late for the ceremony because she had to curl her hair at the last minute and then left as early as she could manage - right after the cake was served. She tried to do the same thing at our brother's wedding this past August but no one would give her a ride, so she spent the rest of the evening either pouting or talking about how she and her current boyfriend are going to get married in a castle that they plan to build themselves (though they have no money and neither of them is an architect).
After my brother's wedding in August, which was in B.C., the rest of the family (my parents, me, my husband, my little brother and my sister) went for a two day trip to Tofino. It was the one thing I really wanted to do while we were out there because I'd never seen the Pacific Ocean. So I arranged the trip - booked a fabulous cottage and everything - and invited the rest of my family. I don't know why it didn't occur to me that my sister might sabotage the trip. Because she sure did.
She offered to drive and then refused to stop when people needed a washroom. She decided to bring her dog at the last minute (which is something they ask to know up front for the cottages, so they can put you in a pet-friendly place) and then she forgot to bring food for her dog. During the trip she left everyone else to take care of the dog. She made nasty comments to me and to my parents - announcing in the car that she thought they needed therapy because they had created this horrible family dynamic. She tried to get me to side with her against our father, trying to blame him for everyone's misery - that she had caused.
My husband said it was like being trapped for two days with his abusive step-father. I have never seen him so angry.
When we finally got back to Nanaimo, where my sister lives, we were dropped off at my sister-in-law's place (who also happens to live there). Apparently when the rest of them got back to my sister's place there was a huge blow-up (just like Christmas) and then a love-in for my poor sister, who always manages to come out of these things looking like the victim. She has always been able to cry at the drop of a hat.
So she called me up the day before we were due to come home and asked me why I hadn't called her to resolve the conflict. I told her that I didn't want the rest of my vacation ruined by my family's crap. It was the first time I'd met my sister-in-law and her husband and I wanted to enjoy my visit with them - not run around trying to work out yet another blow-up with my sister. I told her I would be in contact with her when I got home. She then told me that she was really hurt that I was mad and even more hurt that I would just leave without discussing all this with her. She immediately called our mother, who I spoke to a little later that day. My mother asked me if I would go see my sister before we left just to give her a hug. I said no because I didn't want to give her the impression that everything was okay.
It took me two days to sort out all my thoughts and feelings after I got home. I wound up writing a 3 page email to my sister that very clearly explained why I was so angry and detailed all of her behaviour that I found unacceptable. In the end I told her that I love her but that I will never tolerate behaviour like that again.
This is the first time in my life I have stood up to her in such a clear, honest way. I've had fights with her. I've yelled at her. But I've never been honest like I was in this email. And I've never had as much respect for myself as I did this time. I think that's because I saw how it affected my husband - and he has two children that live with us half the time. They weren't able to come on this trip but what if they had been there too? I can't imagine subjecting them to behaviour like that.
It's been nearly a month since I sent the email. I know that my sister called my parents because I spent 2 hours on the phone with my father earlier this week talking about it. My parents don't see her behaviour for what it is. They balk at the mention of the word narcissist. My father can't deal with the thought that his daughter is like his mother. They don't see how they enable her and feed her everything she needs. My father is a natural mediator and wants to help us to work out our differences. I told him that I said everything I wanted to say in the email. If she wants to discuss it then I am open to that but I do not want either of my parents trying to fix it for us. Apparently my sister said that she doesn't see any point in talking about things because I have obviously made up my mind.
And in some ways, I guess that I have. I would rather have no relationship with my sister than have one that is so volatile and abusive.
Thanks for letting me vent.
