PTSD: reintegration of split self

[axa]

... which is more ME: the personality that developed in response to abuse in my environment or this tiny, flicker of flame of BEING that can't be told what to think and feel? Can't be told what to BE?



Phoenix,

What an amazing question!  I have been moving between these two places all my life and have never seen it so clearly.  I do realise that we have multiple identities but the dominant one seems to be the part that developed in response to abuse in my environment.  This is the place I live from until the abuse gets so bad that I move into the BEING MYSELF me.  Interestingly, I quite like the latter identity even though she also has many weaknesses.  I have so many thoughts on this but need to take some time.  The part that has been formed in response to the abuse is raging angry but this is layered with co-dependant behaviours.  I think I need to meet this anger.  Maybe the attraction to Ns is that they act out the anger that I have been voiceless about.  I do think that what I cannot hold myself I project onto others and this is a great relief.  This I do not do consciously.  Could this account for my self sabotage..........being happy is too hard, just doesn't fit.  It leaves me in unfamiliar territory that becomes overwhelming.........is the horrible negativity more comfortable? 

Thanks for this thread it is great.  I really need to take time and read through other peoples posts as I feel that there is something very big here.

hugs,

axa

[sKePTiKal]

Thanks for bringing the thread up, again. I'm just swamped at work; faculty are back, students are moving in today... classes start next week.

That question is STILL where I'm working, right now. Just jumped outside my normal personality and expressed myself in a full-staff meeting with passion about something I care very much about yesterday; and truly was speaking from the "flame" - not the other personality...

... and my tai chi teacher is still right: nothing bad happened. But I've still spent the last 24 hours worrying the experience to death... feeling... that the humiliation I normally expect will come; that the slap or putdown will happen. Because I'm so un-used to being able to BE ME and express myself from that flame of being... publicly... and being understood.

The microphone got passed to someone who validated what I said.

The new prez & all the vps were there... so there's the element of authority, too. Including the vp that I consider the source of a lot of the dysfunction in this place... my boss' boss.

I felt just like I stood up and said " F you all"... even though that's far from what I really said. Interesting experience... but in the course of things - only significant, important to me. People probably don't even remember what I said... for me, it was the being ABLE to say it without immediate repercussions that made it so overwhelming. Trying to LET IT GO... because there's much to do right now...

but I think the whole thing is about not calling attention to myself, my ideas, thoughts & feelings... to stay under the radar... because that's always been the safer alternative... and because "I'm not important" enough to be heard. We have a new administration... new philosophy... new ways of doing things... and I'm not the only person to feel I have to craft some sophistocated politically correct statement every time I open my mouth... so yesterday, I took the risk - for my SELF... and to show that it was possible without invoking punishment.

Feels extremely strange.

[Gaining Strength]

Congratulations PR.  I am very glad for you. 

I understand very well the feelings you describe: that the humiliation I normally expect will come; that the slap or putdown will happen.

I have spent considerable time today confronting a long history of those feelings and the experiences that spawned them.  I am determined to overcome them - to grow beyond them.  I recognize that they are a playing out of the original exeriences of being condemned, ridiculed and rejected by my father and mother and my fruitless but unending determination to gain acceptance.  That is a terrible trap.  I am so thankful to at last understand how this psychological trap works.  It gives me great hope of escape and freedom.

Thanks for sharing.  More power to you!!

PS - in the past half hour since I posted I have had an electrical dynamite moment in recognizing how powerful the expectation for humiliation has been for me.  I have expected and looked for it with a keen radar and rejected everything else and latched onto and locked onto opportunities for humiliation - all completely unconscious - throwing away the good and zeroing in on humiliation.  The expectation of humiliation is the component of shame that actually caused the humiliation.  This has boosted my healing yet another notch.  Thanks so much PR.

[axa]

GO PHOENIX GO..........XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

axa

[sKePTiKal]

Oh yeah... it seems as though I'm being given the opportunity, on a daily basis, to do something OTHER than expect the old response to me - for each emotion; yesterday's was anger.

I'd specifically asked our front desk, that I not be disturbed during the next 2 weeks due the high volume of tasks & serious troubleshooting I have to do. And they violated that boundary - and I got angry with them AND the faculty member who doesn't think the sign on the door "Authorized persons only" applies to them.

I was visibly, vocally, emotionally angry. And not apologetic about it, either. It hung around too long, though. Hubby was inquiring if it would be possible for me to not stew about it after getting home... or not bring it home... because he feels like I'm mad at him. I told him sorry... BUT... I'm not mad at him, I'm just mad about work, and I have the right to stay mad as long as I need to. I did agree to try to make sure I wasn't spreading it around, though.

I am now in a place, where I don't feel obligated to protect anyone from my feelings. Still working out details, refining this... and expression. Seems like it's a form of "letting go" that I didn't expect. I'm letting go of the emotional significance of the old wounds... I think... and dealing with the present issues... in the present... with ALL the options: not just the programmed ones from the past.

...rejected everything else and latched onto and locked onto opportunities for humiliation - all completely unconscious - throwing away the good and zeroing in on humiliation.

YES!!!! This is IT, exactly! I've done the same thing - and in doing so, have treated myself very unfairly. As if, there was ONLY that one situation with my mother that I felt and experienced... and re-experienced... in other, different situations. All this time.

[Gaining Strength]

Wow PR -  that is powerful stuff.  You are coming into your own.  That is righteous anger - real, appropriate and safe anger - a type of aner that has never been mine.  Way to go!  I am so happy for you.

[sKePTiKal]

Well, for the past 2 weeks I've been the tech-mash unit for faculty & students just getting going with their online courses. Some days, I simply haven't come up for air - except to smoke, of course.

I realized somewhere over these past 2 weeks, that I have to accept this habit - for the time being - as "who I am". I had to do this, I now understand, because the smoking issue is how I "met" Twiggy and learned the story that I suppressed... the lack of being able to quit smoking is what led me to ALL of my process of excavation of memory... of finding, feeling & letting go all the associated emotions... of reintegrating with my SELF.

None of this wouldn't have occurred if I'd been able to just up & quit smoking, ya know? I wouldn't have persisted through memory after memory, realization after realization... all because of a sincere desire to quit smoking, to finally heal enough to be able to quit.

A while ago, I posted some dictionary definitions of some words - it's a way I have of working. Verifying that I know all the roots of certain words can give me valuable clues... I pulled this technique back out again for "boundary (bound)", "expectation" and "justification". For me, these three words contain the key to freedom...

because my mother didn't respect boundaries...
the expectation I had of her - that she would meet my emotional/physical needs - was REVERSED, so that I was...

bound (obliged or tied) to her

and the justification I had for smokiing... was that it helped me control (regulate) my emotions/emotional needs... and being able to validate my SELF in the process (albeit in an invalidating fashion).

Smoking was just like Hansel & Gretel's breadcrumb trail... back to "home" - my true self.

------------------------------------------------------------

LOTS more stuff going on - about accepting my emotional needs, being able to ASK for what I want/need emotionally, and trusting new people who happen to be authority figures... has been happening without my being aware of it - oh so gradually.

I'm aware of Twiggy sort of fading into "me". She's been bringing up a lot of memories from the past - odd snippets of things that don't have a lot of emotional significance - that are almost deja vu-like... as she is remembering what she HOPED she'd become as an adult... and then I see it in my life. "Twiggy" is less & less like a separate part of me... to the point, that this really is just a way of being able to talk the adult me - and the past, teen-aged me.

I'm fully re-engaged with my job, my life and the people in it... there isn't a lot more to do than just tie up loose ends... oh yeah:

and let smoking go. The "effort" required of me to quit smoking isn't a denial of a habit, addiction, or want - it's an acceptance of it... forgiveness of my SELF for beginning it and compassion for the "why" and how dependent I was on it... and acceptance that I am no longer "that person". I have changed...

not Twiggy any longer; not "Amber" as she was before therapy and all this work. I have intention, choice, will - and can make/keep committments with SELF - no more sabotage. A very different person than when I began this whole process.

[Gaining Strength]

Your post contains so much work.  It deserves a well processed and deeply thought out response. I have some questions that I want to ask to help me understand some of the work you are doing and the process you are experiencing but I want to wait.  I think I need to validate the significance and profundity of your post first and get clarity later.

accepting my emotional needs, being able to ASK for what I want/need emotionally, and trusting new people who happen to be authority figures... has been happening without my being aware of it - oh so gradually.  What a confirmation that what you are doing is the right thing that it is on the road to deep healing.

"boundary (bound)", "expectation" and "justification".
Your work with these concepts is so powerful to read.  I am cheering you on and feeling such encouragement in reading about your continued healing.

I have intention, choice, will - and can make/keep committments with SELF - no more sabotage. WOW!!
I look forward to the day (coming soon) when I can write these same words.  Way to go.