My Sister/Golden Children with Conscience

[gratitude28]

I honestly feel terrible for my sister. She can be a know-it-all and tries to hard to be perfect in everything. But she desperately wants everyone around her to be happy. She is driving herself nuts trying to make our family normal and happy. She tries to patch up any differences between my parents and me. She tries to make up for their lack of kindness. She tries to encourage them to clean up their house and do more social activities. She is so much like Atlas, and she has so much in her own life that I wish she would just let the rest unravel or do whatever it will... She has absolutely no idea that she cannot control the universe. She really can't be happy until she gets over trying to be in control.
So... for those who are the Golden Children and possess a conscience, life is immeasurably hard.

[Certain Hope]

Dear Beth,

I can feel for her, too.
In some ways, what you've described... was me!
The perfectionism, the people pleasing and pacifying, being the encourager and feeling responsible for everyone else's comfort level, happiness, success...
eek, that is exhausting.

I was on a similar trip to the one she's on
and I didn't run out of gas until confronted with something that... well, there was no more denying that I couldn't fix it and I could not control it.
It had to be pretty drastic to wake me up, I guess.
Hope it doesn't take something like that to snap her out of it... but I'm afraid it probably will.

When you're groomed to be golden, your very life depends on making others happy and keeping the peace (which means remaining in denial).
It really stinks.

Carolyn

[gratitude28]

Carolyn,
I keep hoping that when she has the baby, she will start to see things differently. Having children made a huge difference in my life, maybe all the difference.
I am sorry you too had this burden, and glad that you are past it.
Love, Beth

[Ami]

Dear Beth
 I think as YOU get more strength, you can see your sister more clearly and with more empathy. I guess the Golden Child bears a heavy price, too, although it is not as obvious.
 You seem to be doing really well, Beth. I am really happy for you.   Love   Ami

[Certain Hope]

((((((Beth))))) thank you.

When I was 31, my third daughter was born... and that's about when the tide turned.

Here's hoping the very best for your sister!

Love,
Carolyn

[gratitude28]

Thank you so much, Ami, and yes it is true... I do see things more clearly. I have to say that in spite of everything, I have always cared about her deeply. We were very close when we were little, but had a long period (ten years??) when we were very distant around college and thereafter.

Love, Beth

[Lupita]

Nice thread. My sister is 48 and still lives with my mother. She cant keep a job and my mother supports her. My mother takes care of her little girl. my niece, who is 9 yo and my sister and I have not spoken in 12 years. My sister has to ask permission to cook something she wants to eat, she has to ask permission to go to the supermarket and buy something she wants to buy. My mother tells her when to go to the dentist or to the doctor. I feel hopeless about my sister. My sister even talks to her self in public becuase she is so self aboserbed, that she disconnects, my mother has dominated her so much that she cannot do anything on her own. I feel very sorry about my sister. My sister is the golden child. If I had to choose between golden and scapegoat child, y prefer the scapegoat wich I am and has made me a little more indpendent.

Dont you think Beth that in a way you have more freedom than your sister? Am I the onlyone who thinks that way?

[gratitude28]

I fully agree Lupita. I wouldn't change places for anything in the world. It was not so great as a kid, but it is so much better for me now.
Love, Beth

[sea storm]

Phoenix.

How lucky your sister is to have you be a witness to what she is doing. Seeing clearly and loving her for where she is at. It is darned hard to push that plough up hill year after year.  While carrying everyone on your back.

Cripes.

Sea storm

[Lupita]

Hi Beth, I am so glad that you would not trade places with your sister. I used to wish to trade places with my sister. But I do not wish it anymore. I prefer to be the scapegoat and end up being free than being the golden child and end up a slave living in the darkness ofr ever nad ever.