shock

[axa]

This year has been so busy for me and exciting.  I have discovered things I love and generally have been feeling very happy BUT in the past few weeks I have been in contact with people who have been deeply wounded by violence and it has been so disturbing.  I found myself thrown back to what feels like flashbacks with XN.  I hear his voice in my head, lying, manipulating, explaining away his lies.  The tensions it is causing is dreadful, its as if I am right back in there.  This has been such a shock to me and I was not at all prepared for it.  I feel overwhelmed with shame that I lived with such a person, left him into my life.  I feel like I have been invaded again.  I am trying to hold onto the knowledge that this will pass but I feel like I have been slimed and I don't like it.  Could do with some words of wisdom.

I cannot say how shocked I am.  I thought it was over, finished and done with.

Axa

[sea storm]

Deare Axa,

I have been feeling the same things.  He just pops in and takes over my body, mind and spirit. It is like being possessed. Out of nowhere.  I wonder if I am receiving  at some kind of whooo woooo level. On the other hand, this seems to be the nature of healing, cycles and waves of grief and growing understanding but instead of feeling good they cut like a knife.

I am so sorry you are feeling the shock of another assault.  The triggers are sometimes not so clear, but you know that hearing about assault reminds you of your own emotional rape.  Hope I dont sound preachy. It is a very hard thing.

Lot of love,

Sea

[Gaining Strength]

Axa - it is over.  As I read your post I am watching Cesar Milan - The Dog Whisperer.  The concept that he uses is one that I had been drawn to long before I came across his show.  It is a concept of energy.  Milan "trains" the dog owners and is very clear that the energy of the owner is crucial to correct discipline of the dog.  The part of that which connects here for me is something I experienced in working for 5 years in the inner city - the dark energy can be transferred.  You have been around victims of violence and the "victim" energy had a profound effect on you.  It seems to have been contagious and tranferred you immediately back to your own experience of "victim".  But you can regain the place you have been by "remembering" the way you have been feeling - the power and the comfort.  You can actually learn to put on the new you when the darkness starts to take over.

I have been doing this with great success this past year.  With practise it becomes easier and quicker to transform out of the darkness.  This is one thought about your situation.

I know that you will find your way out of the place you are currently in.  If not by my suggestion then by another.  You have not really slipped back your have simply "over" identified with those others.  When you get back to your new comfort place hold on to it.  You can use that to help them.

Much love to you - GS/SS

[Hopalong]

Couldn't say a word better than GS/SS just did Axa...I'm so sorry for the flashback.

I am wondering...could it also be an anniversary reaction? Has it been about a year?

I know you are okay.
It's just new work to shore up your boundaries, find some detachment.
As sad as their stories are, they're not YOUR story.

YOUR story is of a woman who's done an incredible amount of healing and growing since the Nightmare.

It's your empathy that's brought you down with the victims' stories. But you can learn to empathize without being harmed by others' pain.

love,
Hops

[Gaining Strength]

It's your empathy that's brought you down with the victims' stories. But you can learn to empathize without being harmed by others' pain.

Amen!

[Certain Hope]

((((((((Axa))))))) I know it feels like it, but you truly have not lost any of the ground you've gained.

Until your filters and bounds are functioning at 100 percent, it may well be in your best interest to not expose yourself to too much... and that's okay.
Only your own heart knows how much is too much. As disconcerting as it can be to learn these limits, it's very necessary for your own wellbeing, I believe.
You will balance these things out as you have learned to do the rest. I am sure of it.

Love,
Carolyn

[lighter]

((((Axa)))

Hope you're feeling better and able to focus on what you want.... not what you're trying to leave behind.

Light

[axa]

Thank you all for your words of wisdom and for hearing me.

I do feel better and take on board what each of you are saying. 

Leah, I think what you say is interesting about a firm emotional boundary of protection, I think I have let it slip - good to be reminded and Lighter looking to the future. I am so drawn to sadness and loss Hope, it is what interests me and where I feel most comfortable.  I think the learning here is to be in this place and be empathic and detached......

Hops, It is a year and a half since I saw XN.....hopefully the last time ever and over two years since I sat in an internet cafe is South East Europe thinking I was going mad and desperate.........how time moves on.


Shame Slayer.  I do agree with you about energy and maybe this is the universes way of reminding me that I need to be aware of the energy of others and protect my own.

Oh Sea, thank you for your words.  I know you understand.

Much love

axa

[Sela]

I'm glad you're feeling better Axa.  What a shock that experience was eh?

Thankyou for Posting because you helped me too.
I might never have put two and two together in this regard but now I see.......

there have been times when empathizing (without maintaining some kind of safe boundary).....that I have slipped into some real negative modes and not been aware of how or why that happened.

I am so drawn to sadness and loss Hope, it is what interests me and where I feel most comfortable.  I think the learning here is to be in this place and be empathic and detached......

Maybe it would help to think of it in terms of ........mood?

For example:  Sometimes, I'm in the mood for a good comedy movie (maybe I'm even feeling down and need a lifter-upper) and  other times, I could handle a sad one because I'm feeling strong enough at that time (and not ......vunerable?).  Ya know?

So possibly.....it would be good to take note of one's mood/state.......when presented with certain people or events that might be upsetting?  If the time isn't right.....I dunno.....maybe it would be better to avoid that stuff until feeling more able to process it without hurting ourselves?

On the other hand.....I do wonder when these flashback thingys will end?  Or will they?

In my case, it's sure taking a wack of time.

I love the way you described it Axa:

maybe this is the universes way of reminding me that I need to be aware of the energy of others and protect my own.

I think that might be it!  Reading my words above....I feel kinda selfish.......about putting off dealing with unpleasant stuff until I'm in the right mood or state.  But the way you put it.....makes complete sense and takes away all the guilt and shame I just created for myself.

There is nothing shameful about protecting oneself, imo.

It's actuallly.....each person's obligation eh?

Hope the rest of your year is fun and exciting and your happiness returns double-strength!

Sela

[lighter]

((((Axa))))