dates!!!!!!! yikes!!!!!!

[Lupita]

By the way, I have a date today. How can I find out if he is gay? I cannot just ask. Maybe if he asked me out it is because he is not gay. What if he is just looking for friends? I need friends anyway!! And what if he is not as intelligent as I would like? It does not matter, I need friends. And what if he feel overwhelmed with my personality? That is scary. I just need friends.

I do not want to borring him to death, but I do not wan to be f%&*ing Jay Leno to entertain him.

We will walk on the beach, swim in the ocean and in the pool, walk to the public beach and see street artists there, eat something, maybe have a couple of drinks, that sounds like a plan.

I do not want my heart broken like our dear Hop and I will program my self for no expectation since this right moment, no expectations, zetro expectations, just friends, just just just friends.

Enjoy the present and detach from the results, who cares what happens later, just enjoy.

Hmmmm, easy to say, let us see if I can do it. My mother might destroy this beginning friendship I suspect. I have to be careful.

[Ami]

Dear Lupita
 You crack me up --F##king Jay Leno.Lupita, I think your ONLY problem is not enough trust in yourself. You have a great personality . I never realized how funny you were until recently.
 Lupita, I think you have it ALL, but YOU don't know it(sigh). That is the dilemma for children of N's.
 It is important what YOU think of the guy not vice-versa.  That is what a good mother would say, so *I* will say it.                Ami               

[Izzy_*now*]

Hi Lupita

How was your date?

I truly hope it went well.
Love
Izzy

[Lupita]

Thank you Izzi for sking. I will tell you everything about it.

Ami, thank you for your response. I agree with you that we have to think that we are great. That is difficult, you know that.

My dear CB123, you are so nice, I cannot believe that you are engaged to a Mexican. That sounds difficult mixture of cultures, but if you are overcoming that, you will do wonderfully. Thank you for your thoughtful, insightful response.

The date went wonderfuly. He was fun, nice, and respectful. We went clubbing and walk on the beach for hours, and had dinner too.

After he left, I was totally sad. Not understanding why I was sad and feeling so much shame. As if I had done something dirty. I did not do anything bad, but I felt like I did omsething bad. He turns me off everytime that he appears to be weak, when he whines, (he is a human being), when he says that he is getting tired of so much walk, (He is diabetic and overweight) when he says he cant do this or the other, and when he just does whatever I want. He is a human being. Intelligent, educated, he has a master degree, he is looking for a job here and he is retered after 30 years of work somewhere else. But when he feels shy and timid he totally turns me off. Is is not good looking, not even average, but I do not care about that. He is in some way wierd, but I am wierd too.

But, then, an outgoing, confidente, dominant man, which usually turns me on, is not good either.

I was parying the Lord to bing me a nice man with a education, and there he is and I am totally turned off by his kindness, and his weakness, and I do not even know why.

 

[Izzy_*now*]

hi Lupita,

I'm glad you had fun, and sorry about how you felt afterward.

He is too old to whine

It appears his boundaries are weak, because he ought to have nicely said, "I think this is far enough for me as we have the return trip as well!"....something like that.

So shy and timid, too, can mean he is afraid to speak up re his boundaries?

Maybe you felt badly because you walked him too far? That's all I can see, unless you felt judgemental over the above issues?...and it was, after all, a first date!

What do you think?

Love
Izzy

[Lupita]

Izz, I agree he is too old to whine.

I still do not know the dirty feelings association with my sadness with his friendship. I still dont know if it is that he is weak or his physical aspect or what bothers me. But I know that he is nice and respectful, and educated.

I satrt to think that it is his childish behavior, it bothers me when a man 58 behaves like a child. You are write that he is too old to whine.

Yesterday Sunday I had veisitors and had a great day and at the end of the day I was extremely depressed and did not understand why, when I had a wonderful day.

Because I did not have the response I wanted, I am so childish. I asked my visitor, a very nice lady, when did she want to repeat our adventure again, we had a wonderful time because we walked to a beach that was considered an island and we walked to ti and it was very exciting, still she did not answer when she wanted to come back, but my date from last night he wanted to come back immediately, and i WAS  sad. I do not know why I felt sad, almost about to cry with chest pain for sadness, I felt abandoned.
Why? I dont know. Maybe because I did not see my son this weekened, but again that is not reason enough to feel so sad. The date has something to do with it.
I started to think that something happened to me when I was a child that I do not remember but makes me feel sad when I am with a physically not very attracted man, it happened to me in the past that I had a date with a man who did not look well and I was extremely depressed after the date and felt avandonement.
But if the ugly man is mean I do not feel that sad. I only feel sad if the ugly man is nice. Abandonement is what I feel.
It has someting to do with my mother becuase she makes me feel something like that, abandonement.

CB I agree with you. You cannot get only juice and you have to eat a little of the outside of the fruit. I do not believe in marriage and I do not want marriage. No!

But at this moment I want a friend that I can see regularly but I do not want joined accounts or marriage or be responsibl for him. NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I can hardly be responsible for my self.

[Gaining Strength]

Lupita - could you be sad because in some way when you were young you were punished if you had fun.  Did your mother accuse you of being bad when you dated when you were young.  I am finding great help by looking inward about this pain I have been feeling so long.

[Lupita]

Hi SS, thank you for your response. You might be just right. That is definitely a possibility and it is part of the problem. My mother hated when I was happy. She did everything she could to ruin anything I did.
But I do not know if that is the only reason. It does not happen when I am with a handsome man that I like very much. When I am with a date that I like a lot, I do not feel sad.
So, it is difficult to understand. I felt sad with my husband too, and he was very very good looking.

The only progress I have made is that now I understand why I feel the way I feel at work and why I react in a certain way with coworkers and bosses.

Now, I have to find out why I feel sad with a date that does not feel me in psychologically. No chemestry and I feelsad. Chemestry and I am going to be abused, OMG.

I rememebr I had a step-father many years ago, (I had several) who was very picky with the boys I dated. I had a little boyfriend, I was 13 at that time who was of indian origen, with an indian name. My step-father was white with blonde hair and he was mocking me for the appearance of my friend. Everybody joined him and I was picked on by all my family. I think, there is something there, but I am not sure. It is not the appearance what makes me feel sad. It is the personality. Strong perosnalities make me pfeel wonderful, weak men make me feel horrible. It is like an allergy towards weak men. But then a stron man is going probably be abusive oir controlling, or I do not knwo what and that is not good either.

It is very difficult. But I am now sure, it is not apearance, it is personality. To me, it is personality. Because this man is nice but he is so weak, he is diabetic, he had a heart attack, he is constantly afraid, he has to stop becuase his knee hurst, that, turns me off completely. I told him and I saw his face going very sad.

My therapist told me that I am not responsible for him, I am only responsible for my self.

I am confused now.

[Gaining Strength]

Wow.  That is amazing Lupita.  I think you are really figuring things out.  Fantastic!  YOU were humiliated for liking a gentle, kind, but weak man and that has stayed with you.  You associate strong men with being controlling and oppressive and it seems like there is nothing in between.

That makes a lot of sense.  I think you are really figuring things out. 

I am hoping this visit from your mother will actually help you figure a few more things out.  Think of it as an experiment and when the tension gets thick have an escape plan.  Plan what you will say to your mother and what you can do - like go out on the beach alone until you can clear your head or collect your thoughts and remember that this time with her is an experiment and won't last long.  Good luck.

[Lupita]

I thought I should not see him again and he probably is thinking the same. We know we both nedd strong liedership in our lives and I cant provide that nad he cant either, or so I think.

Very confused about that.

I prayed so much for a nice man and I get it and I only find thousands of deffects in him. But he is nice. Just too weak, like Izz said too old to be whining.

[Lupita]

Hi SS, I think that I am sad because the summer is ending and I did not get in to public school. I do not have any money and I am going to have to take a summer loan for teachers and be all hurt all year long trying to pay it.

Thta is the main reason. Though I was always sad after having fun with men. Alwasy extremily sad, even with my husband. THat has to be with my mom I guess.

Thank you for your opinions SS, I really could use all the help I can get.

[Lupita]

He called me for a date today and I told him that he was welcome to join me with some other friends I wanted to go out tonight. He said, forget about today.

He just wanted to be alone with me. Why is that? Hmmmmm....... I am not ready. Not yet. So I have decided to no date him anymore, just to be a friend.

[lighter]

Gosh, Lupita....

so many confusing emotions, surrounding the DATING subject.

Sorry it's so hard.

I also believe you'll get used to being treated well/nicely... if you can just be around it enough, no matter the discomfort it causes at first.

One day you'll turn around and realize you've become rather fond of having people be nice to you.


Lupita

[Lupita]

Thank you Lighter, for your respnse. I was looking forward to your thoughts.

I decided to tell him that we can only be friends. He is too negative and I do not want to be set back in my progress.

I need positive people around me. With time I will attract positive people. My mom is here and she also sets me back. But I am discovering many things.

[lighter]

Yikes.... I remembered your mother wasn't going to visit.

Don't let her negative thoughts through your helmet, my dear.

Treat her the way you want the relationship to be and detach as best as you can.

(((Lupita)))

Lighter