Spy,
I am so glad you posted here. This is the place to come. We all know it; we've been there. It took a lot of courage to write that post, and I commend you.
...just a few weeks ago I 'fessed up to my group mates (and therapist) that the night after the meeting for the first harassment charges my N pastor levied against me, I came very, very close to taking a bottle of pills that I had. I had felt that way many times in the past, but it was in the distant past -- 15, 20 years. I'd felt I'd made such progress ... until this N "pastor" (I now realize the pastor part is just as fake as anything) came along.
But after I counted out the pills I looked at the label, and there was my doctor's name, and he is such a good man and a good doctor, and has been wonderful to me. I couldn't do that to him. I knew he would take it hard. So I put them away.
It took me a year-and-a-half to tell group; I still haven't told anyone else, nor will I, most likely.
I remember how relieved I felt when I told them, and how it helped far beyond my expectations. (Actually, someone elicited it out of me, I wouldn't have volunteered it on my own.) They didn't so much give me sympathy, as just really listen to how powerful the feelings were behind the urge. It helped me enormously and, I can't say it turned things around, because what I'm going through now is just too huge for that, but it certainly helped. I'm finding that the "battle" is day by day. I look for what I can and savor that as long as I can.
So, I hope sharing this with us has helped you as sharing helped me.
You are not ugly, my dear. HE is ugly. Any man that makes you feel that way about yourself is ugly. Ugly, ugly, ugly. He/they are ugly for not inviting you. He is ugly for the way he handled this. He is ugly for the way he treats you.
Beautiful men make you feel beautiful (not that I would know...) and ugly men make you feel ugly and unworthy (THAT I do know). And sometimes ugly men make you feel beautiful so they can manipulate you. (That I know also.)
I've had the same issue all my life, so maybe you'll let me share what I've learned. First, my looks have never been validated by my parents or men. For 20 years my best friend has been trying to hammer into my head -- with no success -- that I am very pretty. Recently one of my gay men friends -- gay, mind you, the critics of all critics and the final word on beauty -- was expounding on something -- oh, I know, he was trying to tell me I looked like Natalie Wood, which I don't, at all, but it was such a great thing to hear -- when he blurted out, "Let's face it. You are a beautiful, beautiful woman." Of course, I was in shock, and I don't believe it. I think he is just incredibly sweet and probably doesn't see many pretty women!!
My parents never validated this (or anything except that I was bad/inferior, whatever), so I never internalized the good part ... and as a child, I told myself I was ugly because that explained my parents' awful behavior toward me. After all, they were my parents. They were perfect (in a child's eyes). Yet they seemed not to love me. So it had to be me. And it had to be because I'm ugly. (That's about all a child knows.)
This gradually expanded into telling myself I'm ugly when anything goes wrong. I would probably be doing it more now because of the N fallout, except that every woman I know or suspect he's been involved with has been very attractive, most even "hot." (I am NOT hot!!!!) So at least he gave that to me -- I feel a little prettier than I used to.
I once read that for a woman, beauty is power. I know I have a great deal of trouble accepting that I am powerful -- it cannot be, according to my parents I am not allowed to be powerful (internalized), therefore I cannot allow myself to look as well as I could.
...and perhaps the biggest, and this is what I'm really suggesting to you, is that when I tell myself I'm ugly, or unworthy, or any big self-criticism, I am taking the anger I feel toward someone else and turning it onto myself. I know I'm afraid of anger, and I have lots of trouble expressing it, and I always feel like the responsible one (at fault) -- so there are plenty of reasons not to own the feeling and feel it. It's not that I feel anger is wrong (although that was the message from my parents), but I think I am so much more deserving of punishment than others.
So, when you start telling yourself you're ugly or giving yourself similar messages, stop and ask yourself who you're really angry at, and why.
I bet Mr. Ugly comes to mind, as well, I suspect, as your FOO.
I'm struggling with this so much right now. I lost at least 40 pounds, possibly 50, between Feb and this month. But lately I am struggling a lot with it. I have been self-soothing with food (and completely zoning out on weekends with DVDs), and I don't like it. I don't want to lose what I've done so far (or, I guess I should say gain it back.)
So when I get the urge to stuff my mouth -- which is fairly constant, when it hadn't been at all -- I try to stop myself and say "feel the rage" -- because that's what it's all about. This N raped me psychologically. What he did was heinous. But if I have trouble with anger, just think how hard it is to acknowledge the rage (which my therapist has been digging for for 15 months, and now so is the pastoral counselor).
It's the same thing with wanting to kill yourself. It's anger turned inward. So when you get these thoughts, ask yourself who you're angry at. Don't be surprised if there's a whole long list.
And BTW, here's something for you to think about: anyone who's contemplating plastic surgery wants to live, not die. So capitalize on that will.
Spy, you are beautiful, inside and out.
I wish I had the ad copy I once wrote for a skincare product. It talked about Marilyn Monroe, and her vulnerability, which was so appealing. It talked about how we now had so many ways of helping people with therapy, that perhaps she would have found the help she needed.
The bottom line was: Because women are beautiful at any age.
Spy, you are. You are, you are, you are. !!!!!!!!!
Spy, recently I read something that my pastoral counselor wrote:
God intends for and imputes to each and every individual, honor that every human being is meant to wear from the very point of birth or even before.
That is so true.
Go claim your honor. We'll all be here with you to hold your hand and walk with you.
xoxo,
Lily
