Interesting Therapy~~~ some insights.

[Izzy_*now*]

hi all,

This guy is great! 3 hours was like 1˝ hours, and we 'click' as Dr. and client.

He gave me homework:
1.) My Life Story
2,) My Family Tree
3.) My goals
4.) My Problems/Issues/Concerns
5.) What/Who do I want to be as:
6.) What do I want and need in order to feel good about life, relationaships and myself?

If anyone wants the ideas under any or all of those 6 I will post.

His therapy is pragmatic, eclectic and holistic.

Pragmatic is something already on his list of services and with which I agree we get into!
Eclectic is somethig I want to get into that is not on his list, but he will do it!
Holistic is to cover all the necessary things to have a 'healthy body and life'! Can anyone name 10?

He has a whole page of types of interventions he can provide. His history is impressive.

He is a Christian and totally understands my take on Christianity. We had a few laughs there. He is great!

I also must complete some forms re Personal Data, Occupational Data, sign Confidentiality Papers about nothing leaving his office, a Payment Agreement and a Consent to Clinical Counselling. He has all his bases covered and is funnier than Hell. He thinks I am funny, that I have a sense of humour, that I am a survivor and (again) that I have done a good job of introspection and understanding the whys and wherefores of where I now am.

He knows that I consider myself a short term patient.

When it comes to the 'shoulds and 'ottas' and 'gottas' I told him that I felt that if someone attacked me, I doubt I could fight back....that I think of this when I see movies of women doing that....because I dislike physical violence (and you know where this is going with my Dad and with  my Joe) and I just cannot see my hurting anyone physically.

OK. " I ought to fight back!" That is an ought to statement......after some back and forth, what I am to say is that, "I have a right to defend myself".

That is a very simple explanation of why I am seeing him. He gave me a list of "cognitive distortions"...or in my language" wrong thinking".

He also gave me a list of "self-defeating beliefs".

Now this is the goodie and I wish i could remember all the words............................

We are!        We have surroundings!       We begin to understand this and then have expectations, without a word being spoken!

If that expectation is not met, then we have disappointment

It is at this pont that we settle the problem re the disappointment, or it will fester and turn to (now is where I need the words in order, but  I will say) resentment, sadness, depression (you will be getting my drift) and more to frustration, and anger, and that is when we cross the line to rage, and do not know? are not responsible? for what we do, or the words that come from our mouths.!  Isn't that something? Nip the disappointment in the bud!

I told him about the rage of my father, and the one day I heard him alone in the barn, not talking to anyone in particular, but I think he wanted us to hear him,....." What In Hell did I Ever Do to deserve FIVE lazy little bastards like I have".  Dr. said, as we are cleaning cow stables, bull pens, horse stable, pig pens and milking the cows, that 'Dad felt insecure'.

HO BOY! What a day and it was great! I am going back in 2 weeks, as today will last me that long.

I saw this guy first in my Searches but he was smiling in his picture and reminded me of John Lithgow in "3rd Rock From The Sun" and many other shows. I wondered if I would laugh too much with him.....well it's all OK and we laughed about Church, old guy Ken and a bunch of things and he wonders if I have written any of these things down.....hinting about a book.         


Oh My and there is more!

Love
Izzy

[Certain Hope]

 

((((((((Izzy))))))))... 'scuse me, please, but I gotta say... Praise God!

Other than that, I'm not too alert right now, but I'm so very anxious to digest this and see where it leads.

WoW - -there's so much here to think on and work through! For now, I just wanted to thank you for sharing. Besides being so thrilled for you... from my perspective,  it's exciting and wonderful to have some positive. helpful, and health-full stuff to contemplate. And you aren't kiddin about that homework! That's a doozy of an assignment and you're just the one to accomplish it... with gold stars   
Just wonderful!

Love,
Carolyn

[Izzy_*now*]

Yes! Lots to digest, Carolyn,

But it is all good to me!

So I made the next appointment in 2 weeks.

I came home to piles of work and am still not finished from the first  post.

I told Dr. R. about Ken, the old ex-boss who keeps bugging me and how I have dealt with him.

I mentioned that on June 5/70 I was released from Rehab and Ken was the only one available to take me home (Dr. R. didn't think much of my family over this.)

So Ken takes me back to my city, we pick up my daughter and go to my new apartment.

After D is tucked into bed, Ken pulls me close and kisses me, and makes more moves.

This is the croaker! He said,"It used to be that you could have any man you wanted, but now no one will want you, but I do!" and attempted to 'take' me and it would have been rape, had I not finally cried and got his attention.

Dr. R. was horrified, then laughed, then scoffed and looked unbelieving and 1000 more looks on his face until he was under control and he finally understood why I don't like Ken, but I felt sorry for him, but NOW, I am stating facts, like when he whines and swears in his phone calls about the doctor, I tell him to calm down, it's just life and it happens to everyone.... that the patience I have learned makes me able to tolerate such situations.

When I did that with him, last call, I could feel him feel embarrassed and that he might have been a bit 'out of control'? Not sure but I don't think he'll get angry and swear and tell me such stories again.

Am off for dinner at 9:32 at night.

What a day!!
Love
Izzy

[sKePTiKal]

Oh Izzy - I'm so happy for you!

If, after 40 years, I can decide that it's really OK to be me and to "have a life" - with all those expectations, disappointments, & pragmatic "Keeping On"... all in their proper place & proportion... THEN SO CAN YOU.

Trust me on this: this is the start of something really, really wonderful for you! And maybe finally writing the epilogue to your story: up to now --  the   "... and she lived happily ever after" epilogue!

[gratitude28]

Izzy,
It sounds like the therapy is fabulous.
And he really hit the nail with mentioning expectations (one of my worst problems).
It is so amazing that he clearly has set out for you how to get to where you want to be. And he is doing it in a way that matches YOUR way of thinking. It seems almost like an organized process, which, I would guess, is exactly whaat you like and need.
It sounds like you got to the bottom of the situation with your boss. Does it feel better to have that out and dealt with? Does it help to have your disgust validated? Do you think you can bury the swine now???????????
Lots of love and huge congratulations.
Love, Beth

[Certain Hope]

Izzy,

Thinking of that Ken and his words to you that night... makes me need to swallow hard.
You don't like him, but you feel sorry for him...
and he's become like a fixture in your life...
well, I just don't know how I'd feel about that.

Patience is great, but I'd definitely say that man needs you loads more than you need him.
How do you feel about it?

Still thinking on 10 vital qualities of an all-around healthy life... and all the etc's. !!

Love,
Carolyn

[LilyCat]

Hey Izzy,

I'm so glad it went well for you. How exciting!! About all I can say is to echo what everyone else has posted.

...I didn't know the story about the ex-boss. That is horrible. Awful. May I ask, why did you continue to have him in your life? That was a horrible thing he said to you, and two awful boundaries that he crossed (or nearly crossed).

I ask, because there's a psychological phenomenon called a reaction formation -- now, I'm not going to get this totally accurate, so please don't go around quoting me -- in which we can't tolerate the feelings we have about someone/thing, and turn them into some form of the opposite. So I'm wondering if perhaps you were/are very angry at Ken, and turned it into compassion of some kind.

I know whereof I speak, because this is what I did, and sometimes still do, with the N pastor. After the first meeting he held to discuss my "harassment," (i.e., he was harassing me, in effect), I was really confused and didn't know what was up because I felt so violated. In all the craziness and confusion, I found myself asking him to forgive me, and wanting his forgiveness -- when in fact he had horribly abused me. I already knew about reaction formations at the time, and I knew what I was doing while I was doing it -- so it was interesting to watch it unfold. I knew what I was doing yet I couldn't stop it. I was full of rage at him but couldn't handle it, so I did this instead.

I also used to see this with my parents and my brother-in-law. They really didn't like him at all, yet when he would come around they would be solicitous of him to no end. I knew what was going on and always found it amusing, funny.

Anyway, I hope I haven't upset you here, or offended you -- but if you were really feeling angry at him and never got in touch with it, it's really important that you do. He abused you.

In any case, I am so happy for you! This really is going to be a great new phase for you. Congratulations!

xoxo,

LilyCat

[debkor]

Izzy,

If anyone wants the ideas under any or all of those 6 I will post.

Yes, Yes, Yes,,, I do!!


I just love to read you... you are the bravest, open person I have ever met.... and I learn from you..


Love
Deb

[gratitude28]

Izzy,
I have to say that when I first read the words from Ken... my thought was not that he was out to hurt you, but that somehow he always felt you were way too good for him and he could never have you. Therefore, he saw the accident as a way to have you at last.
Now, maybe I am writing a romance novel... but that's how it struck me.
Not that it makes it more pleasant...
Love, Beth

[Certain Hope]

Hi Izzy and Beth,

Just wanted to add...  I don't think that Ken was out to hurt you either, Iz. Along the lines of what Beth has said... I feel that he'd always considered you beyond his grasp and yet now he could indeed... ermm... grasp you. The hurtful part of it, to me, is contained in his presumption that "now no one will want you". 

My reaction is:   Oh, REALLY?!!?

That's the part that mainly makes me feel sick, along with the fact that I know what it's like to feel sorry for someone from whom I really should have cut all ties early on, because of his immaturity and capacity to think of no one but himself. So... that's my own spin on it.

Love,
Carolyn

[sKePTiKal]

Hey, Iz...

I think the "homework" of coming up with 10 items for healthy body & life are supposed to be YOUR list... it's a way to help you define what's most important to you. My list is gonna be different than yours... than Carolyn's.... etc. It helps you pick some targets, I think.

I couldn't ever come up with 10. Only about half that - but they were GOODIES! 

[Izzy_*now*]

Hi PR

No, this is for everyone when you read what I can remember, and there can be more than 10.

good food/diet and good water
fresh air
sunshine
enough sleep
cleanliness/hygiene
dressing for the elements
laughing
crying
exercise
touch--Wow! I am deprived there. Regular touching from another human being.

Dr. R. is like having the parent that I had a right to when I was growing up. This is where I am trying to understand things I never knew, or that confused me,

We really connect and he never makes me feel foolish.

Now to post as I lost this once before when I tried to do too much

Love
Izzy

Next: Carolyn and Beth.

[sKePTiKal]

OH... I sorta see now... like a universal list... for anyone human?

[Izzy_*now*]

Yes PR--hah hah... For anyone HUMAN!

Hi Carolyn and Beth,

You are right about Ken. He is not a bad man. He just has no social skills. That is why it was a big laugh for Dr. R. while he is pointing ‘thumbs down’ until he could talk.

Ken was my boss and both of us single, me 28, he 38, now 69 and 79. He has always been there and is also a friend to my Daughter and my Grandchildren. I think he can talk to anyone but me, and when he does talk to me, it is weird, and trying to impress me, and trying to put me down for having a computer--mild kind of Control.

He kept my job for me re the accident, for as long as it took for me to come back. I was on the payroll and was paid for every Statutory holiday, which took care of my monthly deductions and I received net pay of $.41. Ha!

The gang at work contributed through a payroll deduction and at month’s end, Ken would take the cheques to my mother. He came to see me twice a week and sent flowers once a week for the whole year, One bunch of flowers was signed ‘Love Ken’ and I called him on it. He said nothing! I yada-yada’s about no time for romance or whatever with the long stretch ahead for me and when I finished he sill said nothing, so I don’t know if he thought he loved me or not. I never really knew him.

He still sends me Christmas and birthday gifts and there is no getting rid of him. I just have to keep him ‘under control’, so that I am not stressed, until he dies.

Granted I was “hot“,  all 5’10” , 130#, in nice office dresses/suits and high heels (oops makes me 6’1”) Not gorgeous, just cut a striking figure, but gorgeous legs--damn! No  more!. The guys at work whistled when I came into the coffee room and I would blush. They kept it up to keep seeing me blush more and more. It was like a game. Anyway, I’m sure Ken must have thought he had no chance, but that he jumped at it when I was down and out. Believe me, I thought of that back then.

It’s a bit like forgiving him because ‘he had no social skills’. We live 2000 miles apart so I am safe. I tolerate him because he was so good to me otherwise and has always been good to my D. She thinks he is a lonely old man and I am too hard on him, but I tell her I have to keep up my guard.

I had to tell him that if he is going to send me books, make them paperbacks, not hardcover, as I read in bed and cannot hold the latter. “Read in bed”, he says. ”I cannot read in bed. I fall asleep!” I said, “That is the point”

..and if he is going to send me flowers make them little short ones as those big long ones he orders are too bulky for me to handle on my kitchen counter etc. etc. and they end up in 3 vases and not as one bouquet. (I had personally decided that I would throw them out when they came in a bundle, as it would easier for me than gathering up dropped petals from all around and grabbing smelly stems to bend and put in the Garbage.)

Sorry. I got carried away, but he has never been my type, and GET This--in therapy once I had the awful thought that I might change and fall in love with Ken and I would hate that!!

Now we all know?--even Dr. R.?

Love
Izzy

oh and LilyCat

Pretty dead on with this.

So I'm wondering if perhaps you were/are very angry at Ken, and turned it into compassion of some kind.

Next: List for Deb

[Izzy_*now*]

Hiya Deb

Here we go, and I am glad you like to read me. (Daddy) Dr. R. said that it is OK for me to think I am weird and to even be weird. Some things just hit home for me so quickly with him. I cannot be perfect and I cannot be like anyone else. I am unique and this is me...

Love
Izzy