How Project Managers can Establish Healthy Boundaries Project managers need to lead by establishing healthy emotional boundaries in the project environment. Here are some ways that we can respect our own emotional boundaries as well as the boundaries of others.
1. Assess and Improve Your Own Boundaries Project Managers can use this mini-quiz to evaluate areas where they may have boundary issues. A yes response to any of these indicates an area where you can improve your boundaries.
Does it make you so uncomfortable when others are angry or sad that you do something to cheer them up or put them in a good mood?
Do you do things to please others even when it means sacrificing yourself?
Do you walk on eggshells around others either at home or at work?
Do you say yes to requests for time, money, energy or other things that you really should say no to, out of fear that you won’t be liked, valued, or needed?
Do you find it difficult to ask directly for what you want?
Do you feel afraid, guilty, or selfish when you say no?
Do you feel responsible for people or things that are outside your control?
Do you often feel there are things that you should do or should be doing?
Do you ever feel pressured or manipulated into saying yes only to regret and resent it later?
Do you do favors to others, hoping they will do the same for you, so that you don’t have to ask directly for what you want?
2. Respond Appropriately to Others How we respond to the emotions of others is a key part of emotional self-management. While we want to be empathetic to others, we need to be careful not to become "hooked in" to the emotions they are experiencing. We need to choose our responses carefully.
For example, we can often diffuse the anger of others by remaining calm and steadfast. We don't need match the anger of the other person. Instead, we can remain centered and objective to help them to deal with their own feelings. We can respond with something like “that sounds tough” or, “I can see you are really frustrated.”
3. Take Responsibility for Our Own Emotions Taking responsibility for our own feelings is a basic tenet of emotional intelligence. Others don’t cause us to feel a certain way. We need to recognize that we have a choice about how we feel.
This could be as simple as saying "I feel angry when you come late to the weekly status meeting,” instead of "you made me angry." That is the difference between being responsible for our feelings and being a victim of others.
4. Let Others Have their Reaction The flip-side of our responsibility for our own emotions is to let others be responsible for their feelings. We cannot control others. Often we need to simply let them have their reaction to our words or actions.
This can be tricky for project managers. We want to be empathetic toward others. We want to understand the impact of our actions, emotions, and decisions on our teams. But we should not necessarily change just because someone is going to get angry or sad. We need to let them have their reaction.
I recall an incident a few years ago where I had a team member who thought he should be promoted to team lead. I remember the angst that I felt since I knew he wasn't the best person for the job. I put off announcing the decision because I knew he would be angry if I didn’t pick him. Afraid of his reaction, I didn’t announce it for nearly a month. I lacked the courage to simply let that individual have their reaction to the decision.
If you can learn to let others have their reaction to what you say and do, you will free yourself. If you don’t, you will be at the mercy of other people's emotions. You will be continually looking outside yourself for validation and playing it safe. Others will pick up on your lack of courage and may use it against you.
5. Ask Directly For What You Want One way to improve our emotional communications and keep clear boundaries is to ask directly for what you want. A technique that has been helpful to me is to tell the other person how their actions affected me and to ask directly for what I want from them in the future. There are four distinct parts to this communication and they look like this:
"when you do... __________" (some behavior or action),
"I feel..._________" (an emotion, such as sad or angry)
"because...____________" (the reason)
"I want...______________" (here is what I want in the future).
This may seem stiff or awkward at first but communicating in this way can help us to clearly articulate what it is we need from others.
6. Get Support Whether you are dealing with a boundary issue of your own or supporting a team member, you may want to get some help. Seek out the support of your manager, a mentor, or the HR group in your company. You might also find it helpful to see a coach or take a course in emotional intelligence....
EDIT from Amber: ... or a VESMB member!
