Dear Beth,
From what I've witnessed, every single thing these people do is for effect and for attention. In your mom's case... alot of what she does sounds very much like "histrionic" behavior... the overdone flattery, gushing... everything in excess... and empty. My mother's sister was like that, too (histrionic), except the sexually seductive aspect didn't manifest in her.
It's so strange to me, to note that - even where their outright behaviors differ - you can just feel that it's all coming from the same motivation.
They absolutely must be the center of power and attention at all times, or else they wither.
My mother will literally shut down when she cannot control the scene.
I mean, she'll go lie down on the couch and feign sleep or go sit in the car or whatever... because she absolutely cannot handle not being the focal point! It is pathetic.
She has a flair for the tragic, too. I suspect that your mother's statement about her brother's imminent death was more about chalking up points on her side of the tallysheet than anything else. Your dad had a family wedding... she had a potential funeral. Deaths trump marriages.
My mother used to relate, with great relish, stories of tragedy related to people that I never saw her even talk to, let alone have a close relationship with!
Like she cared?
It was just something to talk about.
The game these people play is indeed bizarre.
When all else fails, they'll settle for scoring points based on personal illness and suffering....
how much money can they spend on their treatments and how many doc appointments they can rack up in a week's time.
It's amazing to see my formerly stoic mother take this route now.
Really, it's like - when her sister died - my mother switched roles and became her! Very, very odd. She now behaves more like my aunt than I ever would have believed possible.
My mother can tell me, in one breath, that poor dad can't eat nuts anymore (his absolute favorite snack in all the world) because his teeth are so bad.
And in the next minute, she'll relate the detailed account of all the thousands she's poured into her own dental work.
A thread underlying all this is that she can't eat nuts, because of diverticulosis.
Bottom line - dad doesn't rate a new mouth. She does.
Like those Loreal commercials...
she's worth it.
Dad's needs are bottom of the heap. Besides, his enjoyment of the rest of his life will come from what SHE decides to provide him, and nothing more.
Isn't that how it's supposed to be?
And I know what you mean about her "carefully surly" attitude.
If they were innocent, there'd be no need for that sort of caution... but they know. They know exactly what they're doing and what effect it will have on us.
I have tried to practice blissful ignorance in that area for years now... which is a big part of why our contact has been so minimal.
One thing that helps me to lay some of this crud to rest is knowing that...
when you get right down to it, N's really don't "like" anyone.
They can attach value to certain individuals, based on whatever purpose that person might serve to them... but they do not genuinely appreciate and enjoy anyone.
They may gush "love" and fake tender feelings toward those who can advance their cause...
but that's all just as empty and hollow as their own vacant hearts.
Thanks, Beth, for letting me share/rant here. It's helped to re-frame some of my own jumbled thoughts. It's also stirred up anger, making me wonder-
Will we ever be done with this nonsense?
Yes. I believe so. When we do like Hops said and lay that burden down.
Love,
Carolyn
P.S. (((((((((Juno)))))))) It's great to read you. I hope you're well!
