The List...

[Gaining Strength]

Spyralle - I am so sorry for the unbearable pain you are going through.  There is little I can write that will help diminish it.  But in my deep grief I did find help in knowing that the pain does grow dimmer as time passes.  That is not to say that "Time heals" but it becomes manageable and I remember needing to know that it would become manageable.

I so admire your extraordinary courage to do what you needed to do to save yourself.  The strength that you have in order to make this break will be a strength that will serve you well as you start to heal.  You are courageous - though I doubt you can even feel that now. 

I send my encouragement and hope for you to strengthen you in getting through each day just one day at a time.  Do not look down the road yet.  Just know that you can get through today and then you will face tomorrow when it comes.  One day at a time is the only way to get through this excruciating pain.  You can do it.  It is terrible but you will triumph.

[spyralle]

I woke up feeling so terrible this morning...  God I miss him so much..  It's like an unbearable ache inside me..  like just total confusion..  Was it me.. was it him.. He last rang on Wednesday and I ignored the phone, but as everyday goes by and he doesn't ring I feel my resolve just evaporating..  i have deleted his number from everywhee so I can't contact him..  but all I want is to hear his voice...

S x

[Juno]

Spyralle, believe it or not, this is part of the letting go.  It may take a while.

((((((((((spyralle)))))))))))

[Gaining Strength]

In the worst of the grief it becomes just one hour at a time.  And then it will become day at a time again in a while.

[spyralle]

He rang again last night at 20 to midnight..  i just stared at the phone in my hands and allowed it to ring.  Every second seemed to stretch into an etertnity as I waited for it to stop..  I want to speak to him so badly.  I want him to tell me that he was wrong and that he loves me with his heart and soul.  I wanted him to say that he was coming over because he just wanted to put his arms around me and mke it alright.. and the phone kept on ringing and I still didn't answer... And now I'm itting here in bed in vast amounts of pain (I think I have an abcess!!!) and all I want to do is ring him and cry for help...  The bad memories are dimming and all I can think of is the stuff that i held onto.  like the way he could not get to sleep without cudding me all night, like the way he was so sure that I would love him nomatter what he did or said...  I do love him But the part of him I love is tiny comapred to the rest..  The part I miss is the little boy wh just needed to feel loved..  The rest.. the arrogant, selfish controlling man is what stops me punching in his number because I can't alow myself to have anything to do with him again..  That man who lies and cheats and feels e should d what he lkes no matter what or who he hurts in the process..

This is hard.. 

spyralle x

[spyralle]

Oh God, i just picked up the phone..  This is torture..  he says he wants to come and see me but I just said no..  It was just long long silence between us.  i wish I had never picked it up now..  How stupid.  Whatever did I expect ws going to happen.....?

[Gaining Strength]

like the way he was so sure that I would love him nomatter what he did or said...  I do love him But the part of him I love is tiny comapred to the rest..  The part I miss is the little boy wh just needed to feel loved..

I know you love him Spyralle but this is what is going on.  He needs to be loved just as you wrote, "no matter what he did or said."  And that is too much for you or for anyone else.  You, like so many of us here, have gotten love twisted up and confused with being tormented.  Once that happens to us it is very hard to separate. Deep in our souls, way below the rational mind, we don't believe we can be truly loved and so we cling to this kind of love that is simply too painful.

This is what I wish you could tell yourself: "I love him but his love is not worth the price.  There is a wonderful, caring, giving love available to me but I must give up this one first."

There is so much waiting for you.  You must step into believing that.  You can do that?

[spyralle]

Thanks SS for all your support.  He sucked me right back in today and left me feeling just like I did seconds after he had left.  I spke to im a few times.  he had nothing to say.  I asked him what he wanted from me and he said only to say he was sorry and was I ok..  then he said do you still have my stuff..  That was why he was ringing obviously..  nothing to do with me.. just wanted his stuff..  i put the phone down and he then left a message on my answer phone saying he just wanted to hear my voice..  i sent hm a text and said:

it's a shame ou didn't want to hear my voice when you were supposed to be in love with me.  I loved you with everything I had and you lied and cheatedso therefore I want nothing more to do with you.  Don't bother to phone me again with the pretence of caring how i am or anything else for that matter...

Even so I feel I have been sucked back into his stupid game..  You kno the one where I am a vulnerable sucker..  Even after everthing he has done I was wishing for him to come home and make it alright..

[Gaining Strength]

spyralle - the way out is to take your power back.  I know it is easier said than done but the first steps are to want to overcome his abuse and to believe you can.  The next step is to search until you find writings or ideas about healing that feel comfortable to yo and that ring true to you.  What works for another may not be for you. 

If you desire to heal you will find the way.

I am finding that for me it works to identify which feelings come from having been abused and/or victimized.  When I am feeling bad (anxious, rejected, angry, etc.) I bring into my consciousness and acknowledge that what I am feeling comes from the abuse and that I can learn to react differently.  The second part is difficult and takes work but I believe beyond description that it is worth it.

I am thinking of you and feeling great sympathy for you.

[spyralle]

i am really ill..  I can't get out of bed and one side of my face is swollen and infected..  I feel totally nauseous because of the antibiotics and I feel hollow and empty inside.  I amaware that everthing I say is negative and I feel so lonely..  I'm sorry...  this is the only place I can actually voice how I am feeling

[Ami]

Dear Spy
 I really hurt for you.  I am so,so sorry. I don't know if this will help,but, often that deep pain is Family of Origin(FOO) original pain that is magnifying ,greatly,the very real pain of the present.
 When we were not parented well, we have huge fears of abandonment. They come up when s/one leaves us ,in the present. It really is ALL the times we were left,in addition to the current one, that we feel.
 I am so,so, very sorry,Spy. Keep writing, Spy. You are being heard.          Ami

[Gaining Strength]

i am really ill..  I can't get out of bed and one side of my face is swollen and infected..  I feel totally nauseous because of the antibiotics and I feel hollow and empty inside.  I amaware that everthing I say is negative and I feel so lonely..  I'm sorry...  this is the only place I can actually voice how I am feeling

I want to tell you that I believe that the way out is by acknowledging that we are caught in a victim role and that only we can get ourselves out.  But we can't do that until we get some healing.  I find great help in using a physical analogy. If we were run over by a car we would need to be hospitalized for a lengthy stay as we slowly healed.  And as some point we would have to begin to really push ourselves to do agonizing therapy to learn to walk again.  This change I have been talking about is the "learning to walk again" stage.  But you are in the just got run over and arrived in the hospital stage.  At this stage you hurt and ache and are not sure if you can bear it.  You are just holding on to get through life one day at a time and at some points, one hour at a time.  You hurt and you need words of comfort and solace.  You need to know that you are not going to die but that you will survive and though it won't be easy you will get stronger and be able to have the type of life you long for.

Of course you hurt. This is a good place to pour out your heart and receive care and compassion.  You have been through a terrible trauma and you must be very kind and gentle to yourself and let others care for you as well.  Talk and post and pour out your pain until you can't talk out it any more.  This is a safe place to do that.

[spyralle]

Thank you Amy...  Alll I want to do is call him..  It is getting worse and worse and everytime I am just about to call I see his face at the airport looking almost dissappointed to see me...  and I hear his voice telling e over and over again how much he didn't miss me like I should understand and feel sorry for him.. and I still love him and I still crave to hear his voice even though his words are cold and empty.. simply'I'm sorry...  I hope that you are ok'...  I'm not ok!!!!!! I'm il and lonely and desperate for him to come home but I know that would mean more pain..  I just don't want to be in this world any more...

Hops...Thanks for caring..  I was never a model..  I am just a nurse and I'm tired of fighting....  I'm tired of men just walking all over me because they can and I'm tired of feeling this pain..  I have no fight left in me..  I am lonely and pathetic and frightened

x

[Ami]

(((((((((((Spy))))))))))
 I am here, Spy. I am sorry it is across the computer.   Love   Ami

[Gaining Strength]

I see his face at the airport looking almost dissappointed to see me...  and I hear his voice telling e over and over again how much he didn't miss me

These images are so important to keep before you.  They will help you remember that it is not HIM you long for but it is love and relationship and belonging.  I encourage you, out of discipline, to tell yourself that you can have those.  It will feel like a lie at first but if you continue to tell yourself that you will finally believe it.  If that is too much of a stretch tell yourself that you DESERVE having a relationship, being loved and cherished and belonging.  Tell yourself that until you feel angry when you think of him rather than longing.

Thinking of you.