Your Help Appreciated

[Certain Hope]

(((((((Sela))))))) I am sorry it’s taken me so long to get back. Our summer break here has ended and so it’s another major adjustment phase around here, but all is well.
I hope you’re enjoying your days! Is mom-in-law moved into her own place now?

Here are some rambled thoughts I’ve been able to piece together over the past couple days, in between power outages and other miscellaneous frustrations… lol.


repeat after me:

I am not like my mother.
I will never be like my mother.
I am separate and aware and conscientious.

Yes'm.   lol   

"So if I told you I had trouble acknowledging how I really feel and acting how it might be expected......which would you tell me is priority?"

Well, I’d say that honoring the truth is always the priority...  combined with, whenever and however possible, causing no undue hurt or harm.  I mean... some things are better left unsaid and I don't "need" to be honest about every little thing, if doing so would hurt others beyond measure.

"The old.........silence is golden......might be your best truth.  I think you made the right choice not to repsond all of those times.    Maybe it is possible to say to yourself:  "I feel __________ " and then respond in a general way.  You don't want anything bad to happen to them so it's ok to respond in the least hurtful way.  If that means not responding at all until you feel more like it.....so be it.  No one will die eh?"

Yeah... well, some one might die, but not because of my response or lack of it, you know?
That's the truth I want to absorb completely... now, and not save it for later.
Yes, and I can recognize my feelings to myself and let it stop there, simply responding generally.
I can do that because I do not need their acknowledgement or understanding. That's not a necessity in my life. More important is that I know and understand myself, in order to relate in healthier ways (or to choose not to relate) with them and with anyone else!

Talking this through here has helped me so much. I really do not want to be treated like a "favorite". It's... objectifying and manipulative and I am NOT wrong to refuse to respond to that nonsense.
My one and only brother plays games, too. After years of without contact, he will tell one of my grown children that he'd like to hear from me...
so what?  Now the ball is in my court? I choose not to swing.
He treats everyone like they're his hired hand... and I don't want to be one of that number.

Sela, thank you so much for the reminder about toddlers... and 6 year-olds.
This helps everything else to fall into place and fits perfectly with my new "vision" of these people as separate individuals... and not as "my" - gulp at the prospect - "family"... as in... personal mission or project or responsibility or impossible-to-escape-torture-chamber.
Now I can see that I'm the one who's kept them "bound" to me, within my own thoughts, by considering this an inescapable trap.
The moment I choose to let them "go"... and I do... then I'm no longer bound, regardless of what they do or do not do.
I never wanted to be the broken link in some designated chain... and I so blamed myself that it seemed to help, when I began to view them as the broken ones. But then I felt guilty about opting out of the chain altogether. Now I see that it's okay to leave them to that chain they love so much. In fact, it's not only okay... it's absolutely necessary and not my concern. And so - yes, I think it would help - and it's perfectly reasonable - to expect their notes and such to continue, because they are what they are. Settling on that as fact does not reflect on me a bit or make me a failure. duh.
I get it.
Yes, I'm still developing as an adult. Thank God! He is not done with me yet.
Whether she or they are or aren't... is His business and His problem, not mine.
Like the saying goes... "We already have a God. Quit applying for the position!"

I will mind my own beeswax and continue about the work of growing myself up.
Thank you so much, dear Sela, for all of your time and thought-sharing.
I truly feel heard… and valued  :  )

Big hugs,
Carolyn

[Sela]

Oh dear Carolyn,

Not to worry about how long it takes getting back to me or not at all even.  Life comes first!!  Time is not available, sometimes.  So not to worry and thankyou for taking the time to get back to me this time but please don't feel obligated.  I do very much appreciate the time it takes and you for bothering.

You sound very level headed and peaceful and healthy.   Good for you for thinking this through and for having the courage to talk about your feelings.   And thankyou for asking  about mil..........she is almost there.  Gets her new place in a couple of weeks!!  She's starting to really look forward to it!

One last one:

Now I can see that I'm the one who's kept them "bound" to me, within my own thoughts, by considering this an inescapable trap.

(((((((Carolyn)))))))).  These people are still your family and you are still a child of that family (regardless of being an adult now).  It is normal and natural and very tough to give up the idea of being wanted.........understood .......accepted and ........loved by them.  It's not your fault for wanting what normal families have (and I'm assuming you would want that, just like most children would, I bet).  (((((((((((((It's another loss........another hurt, Carolyn)))))))))).  So sorry for that loss and hurt.

It takes courage and determination and time to let go of wanting all of the stuff that seems "normal" and to mourn the immense loss of it all.  One has to completely give up the idea of ever being wanted, understood, accepted and loved by one's own blood.  It's very sad.

Not easy or fun.   

I think you have a very healthy attitude and a loving one too.  I just don't think you should blame yourself here.  I doubt you control the binding or lack of it, even in your own head.  More likely, you interpret what you see and feel in a way that makes sense to you and that is all anyone can do.  When normal, healthy behaviour is missing.........it doesn't feel right eh?  It's very confusing and sometimes easy for one to take on responsibility and feel guilt that doesn't belong to us.   After all, toddlers/6 year olds can't handle responsibility and try very hard to unload it all on others.  And adult toddlers do the same thing, sometimes, without us even noticing.

I'm sure God will keep helping you to grow and heal from the hurts you have endured/are enduring.   You are an inspiration, Carolyn!  Really you are!

Wishing you many much happier days ahead!!  No worries if you don't get time or don't feel like posting back.  Take care of you ((((((((Carolyn)))))))).

Sela