Healing Trauma - a book

[Gaining Strength]

I have been googling "humiliation" and variations on the theme.  I found a book entitled Healing Trauma and there are excerpts.  In this excerpt, there is not new information but it is concise and clear and I thought some others might get some value out of it.

To be in any relationship where one feels unrecognized, disconnected, and helpless to change things is deflating, and is the most salient feature of unhappy marriages.  A defining factor in relationships that last is the ability to reconnect emotionally after an argument.  When there is a history of attachment traumas, the partners often use protective defenses that lead to disengagement and isolation.  This occurs when the very person who is sought out for comfort is the perpetuator of the painful experience.  The sense of helplessness and chaos can become unbearable.  The result may be a breakdown of the adaptive processes leading to the maintenance of an integrated sense of self.  The working model of relationships develops with an inability to trust self or other, and with balance between the yearning for connection and the fear of the contact.  People may choose intimate partners with an unconscious wish to repair earlier damage.  Often, the sad result is that the forms of engagement of each cause a proneness to recreate the original traumatic experience.  Painful encounters are played out as a preordained script.

here's the link if anyone want to read other pages:  http://books.google.com/books?id=kTrd29tfupIC&printsec=frontcover&dq=humiliation+%2B%22child+abuse%22+-sexual+%2Bpsychology+%2Bhealing#PPP1,M1


I have been reading bits and pieces for several days and finding much to relate to.  The author distinguishes between little T traumas and big T traumas.  this is a huge help to me.  I never suffered Big T traumas they were all little T's - many little Ts upon little Ts.  That has made it very difficult for me to find the source of my pain and disfunction.  It has made it easy for me to believe my parents message that I was the source of my own pain and failings.  This book gives me language that helps me understand why even though I didn't experience an event like that in Knoxville or what Debkor experienced or what others here have experienced but still I have HUGE symptoms of severe trauma.  This book helps me understand how that could be.

[Gaining Strength]

Here's more from page 45.  This really connects with what I have been trying to do.  It is confirming and encouraging.

P45
For individuals with unresolved trauma, a therapeutic attachment relationship enables the patient’s mind to enter terrifying states that can then process information which before may have led to excessively restrictive or chaotic patterns in the flow of energy and information.  These rigidly constrained or disorganized states, at the core of unresolved trauma, can then have the opportunity within this interpersonal communicative experience to be dramtically and permanently altered.  The essential feature is that the patient be given the sense of safety that such traumatic states can be re-experienced, communicated if possible, and altered into more adaptive patterns in the future.  What emerges from such a process are new levels of intergration of information and energy flow.


The phrase "unresolved trauma" is descriptive of what I have often referred to as original wound but it has much more substance to it and more to hold onto.  The other phrase that connects with me and helps me terribly is "disorganized states" referring to the brain of trauma victims.  That is what I live in - a disorganized state - an outward reflection of an inner brain state.  And it has a cause and there is a method out - going back into the trauma as an adult and finding that now that I am an adult the trauma that I experienced as a child and could not resolve can now be resolved and a way out can be found.  I am no longer "dependant" on those people but can provide for myself.

[Gaining Strength]

This one describes perfectly my situation: maternal neglect and paternal abuse and humiliation - here I am right in black and white.  The first time I have seen my understanding of my experience written directly in black and white.  That is a very comforting validation.

A particularly potent negative caregiver environment for generating high risk for disorganized/disoriented attachment would be maternal neglect followed by paternal abuse and humiliation.

[Overcomer]

Wow-SS-very poignant stuff.  Isn't it wonderful to be validated by books, etc?  I remember FINALLY realizing that I had suffered ABUSE.  I wasn't bad or wrong, etc.  I think I need to read this book!

[Gaining Strength]

I had hoped someone would connect with this thread.  I have such a need to connect, to be understood.  This stuff is so powerful to me.  It is sinking in all the way to the bottom.  The trauma, the shaming, the humiliation is just sinking in, deep to my soul.  I am sliding back into my own psyche and with an adult mind I am reordering my understanding.  They sought to destroy me and they were very successful but to borrow from PR - there was an ember which continued to burn and it will surge forward to save me.

I woke up some time in the night b/c of a dream.  I remember nothing of it except that there was a large male presence that was monstrous.  It was controlling and belittling.  When i woke I saw that it was my father and saw how he sought to destroy me in everything I did.  He hated me - as a projection of himself.  I have lived into that projection - that hatred.  But I don't have to stay here. 

Authority is terrifying for me.  I see myself as always ending up with the short end.  Two people ask for something - one always wins, one always loses.  Being in the world is losing for me.  Angry about it - being angry means more losing.  See people on TV successful in things I once was interested in - feel the shame, feel the resentment.  Slowly, sort of, connecting it to shaming psychological experiences as child.  So much shame. 

So much shame.  Such insignificant acts.  How could he put so much shame on such insignificant acts.  I want out of this. 

Here is a problem - I set a goal - the man is waiting there to make sure I fail, he pulls the rug out from underneath me, denies me necessary resources, then laughs and belittles and rages over my failure.

Trauma - relived in each incident.  Body processes such small things as trauma.  Reorganize these failings, these traumas.  Switch them to victories. 

Anticipation of shame is that secondary fear I have been writing about.  I have come to see the "secondary fear" keeps me from even getting to the "action" I am shut out of.  That secondary fear is anticipation of shame.

"Tomorrow, I'm going to clean the den."  "I'll never get it done. I'm going to fail.  I'm such a failure."  The fear flows - real fear.  The adrenaline flows - the stomach aches.  The shame is a weight on my head and bows my head down with huge weight.  The rage sets in - the anger at being so rejected.  Anger at the door opening just so it can be slammed in my face.

The gates are so close to opening.  They are flood gates and when they open the surge of my energy and power will flow forward and all that is me and that has been pent up for all these years will flow forward.  I am so close.  need to reorder those neurons.  Need to go back and talk to that man who in his pain chose to destroy me, talk to that woman who in her fear chose to mock and ignore me, chose to throw the focus off her onto me.  I am angry but I care far more about nurturing that little girl - LG.  The anger reignites the wretched feelings of trauma.  What I never had and always needed was the caring and compassion.  It is a family problem - a home problem.  The world will never give it.  We all need it.  If family doesn't give it you are dead.

I am certain that I must go back and receive that compassion and love that was not only denied but that was replaced with shame, trauma and betrayal.  I don't regret what was destroyed and what I could have been - that person has never been lost.  The only thing she truly lost was friendships and nurturing.  All those are still possible but will have a different appearance.

I have been so angry because I knew there was value here within but that it was so denied.  But now I see that it was only denied because those people in their own pain had to deny my ability.  This is still salvageable.

Want so much to connect. 

[Gaining Strength]

a proneness to recreate the original traumatic experience.

This is so helpful to me, to understand that what I am doing is trying to recreate my original traumatic experience.  Now if I can connect to what happened then I can, as an adult, resolve it.  I feel so close to this - so very close.  We must support and encourage one another.  It is the only way through - compassionate support and encouragement - honest.

But that support and encouragement won't break through - the memories of original trauma must come first and then the compassion will revalue and heal it.  It is coming but never soon enough.

[sKePTiKal]

OH MY... SS... yes! this is how I work.

I have relived so many of those incidents - so many memories - and have been able to "tell" Twiggy that it wasn't her fault - not her shame. I've been able to allow her, the anger - and sorrow, loss & grief. So many pages & pages of these things - until finally Twiggy tells me things in the shower, as I'm falling asleep or waking, as I'm driving down the road - and we, together, deal with each one. Even again, sometimes.

Anticipation of shame is that secondary fear I have been writing about.  I have come to see the "secondary fear" keeps me from even getting to the "action" I am shut out of.  That secondary fear is anticipation of shame.

In my language, what you wrote above is the expectation of abuse. That is what "tempted" me to break my quit and "just smoke this one". I was doing too well and the pavlov side of me was expecting the usual negative feedback... UNLESS I sabotaged myself. Accept the failure - and the shame, if applied - rather than humiliation for success.

What I never had and always needed was the caring and compassion.  It is a family problem - a home problem.  The world will never give it.   We all need it.  If family doesn't give it you are dead.

I surely hope that you meant that the above was a message that your family implanted in your brain; I hope that you don't really believe this. The bolded sentence, is SOOOOO not true. There are more things in this world POSSIBLE than can be imagined by any one person... and my experience has been that the world has been much more forthcoming with caring and compassion - even from complete, total strangers... than I experienced within my own family.

And I ain't dead yet.

[Gaining Strength]

working out the money thing.  See the origin.  Child understanding dominated by father who projected absolutely incompatible pieces into the puzzle and demanded that they be fit together - all the while shaming for being to slow to get the pieces together, shaming because not capable of getting pieces together - faster, faster - you're a failure, you're a failure, you're a failure.

Do it my way, do it my way, do it my way.  You're a failure.  You spent money.  You're a failure.  I'm the only one who can spend money.  You're a failure.  You erred - you made a mistake you will pay a life sentence for paying that bill late.  You will face the death penalty for incurring that charge.  You are a failure and I will destroy you and belittle you.  You are a failure.

I was a child.  I believed him.  I am no longer a child.  I grew up accepting that Jesse Helms judgement that PR evoked.  I could not dismiss them and did not understand why.  Filled with hatred, meant to destroy.  Now I understand - it was being caught up in the reworking the trauma over and over but still caught up in the confusion of the child = not able to sort out as an adult.

Compassion allows people to make mistakes.  Hatred does not.  I am still locked in the hatred mode.  For so long I believed it was correct.  Now I know better.  Now I know that compassion is correct.  That is significant and it is necessary for healing.  Necessary but not sufficient.  There is more to do.

For years, for decades I could not even figure out what was wrong.  I could not see where to go.  Now I know.  I see what happened.  I understand how I was damaged psychologically.  How that affected my actual brain circuitry.  How my own self hatred developed and then continued the damage started by my father and mother.  I see how I projected that hatred and condemnation out onto the society around me expecting others to hate me, to condemn me, to reject me.  

I have actually found great healing in much of this.  I am still so close.  I see that I must go back and find that wretched darkness and revision it - revalue it and bring it forward into healing.  I am so close, so very, very close.

[Gaining Strength]

PR - our posts crossed in cyber space.  I want to address you last post here.

I get encouragement from your confirmation that you have worked out past experiences with Twiggy.  I know it is the way.  I see it and understand in a way I never have before that where I am stuck is because I am still replaying the old traumas like being lost in a maze and retracing the same stuck paths even though there are other paths that will lead me out.  Identifying the past traumas, bringing them up into my conscious memory will allow me to find the path out rather than retracing in my unconsciousness the old stuck path.

"expectation of abuse" - thank you for this.  I see what you are getting at.  I will spend time with this.  Language and the way we phrase things can make a tremendous difference.

OMG - I did mean those bold words.  I am stunned by your experience and have to go back and reopen my something to reconsider.  I am wondering, thinking, supposing that I closed the door to that, Jesse Helmsing all the cherubs so that when the compassion of the tableau appears I "Jesse Helms" condemned it and missed the promise of that compassion.  I may have been looking for compassion only from all the Jesse Helms of the world - guess what - didn't find it.  Hmmm - go figure. 

Thanks for redirecting me.  I get it.  "Looking for love in all the wrong places."

[sKePTiKal]

You erred - you made a mistake you will pay a life sentence for paying that bill late.  

Well, the joke's on him, SS! Not even childhood abuse is a life sentence to being forever under his control. You are soooooo on the right track! Compassion, yes. Love, too. Acceptance - BELONGING.

Compassion, love, comfort, and all that you've ALWAYS deserved... and encouragement, gentle teaching, helpful guided experiences... all now waiting on you... for when you're ready.... or even NOW.

Because he CAN'T hurt you any more... you won't let him, right? You know about boundaries...Your boundary can apply to the parent's voice in your head... the expectation... too. Being that free can be a bit scary on it's own, too. Like flying without a net. You MIGHT fall - but there are plenty of people now who CARE ABOUT YOU --  to help you up, bandage your knee if you need it, and help you try again until you master what you've set out to do.

I PROMISE I won't judge you, criticize, or shame you... while you're just learning new stuff!

(ps - I'm still trying to learn to brush my teeth at night... not just in the morning... I need help & encouragement for something THAT BASIC - !!!!!)

pps - more posts crossing in cyberspace... I always imagined Jesse Helms to be a very, very unhappy man who just coincidentally happened to hold political power... and tried to project out his own limited understanding of life, right/wrong, and uneducated understanding of art - through that power. He was responsible for the law that essentially created a "censorship" board that denied federal funding for art that was judged "not socially acceptable".

And so, in reaction, the art world came out with ever more bizarre, shocking, disgusting forms of "art"... to protest. These artists have found very fleeting notoriety. And many artists - like myself - simply put our brushes down, because BOTH sides were wrong and we knew we wouldn't be heard in that "argument". At least, that one of my excuses for not working... I'm running out of excuses, I think.

[Gaining Strength]

Here's more that helps me understand why I have struggled so even though I cannot identify a major traumatic event.

When the traumatic event is the result of abuse by a family member on whom victims depend for economic and other forms of security victims are prone to respond to abuse with increased dependence and with paralysis in their decision-making processes.

AND

The AIP model defines trauma as any negative event that has had a lasting negative effect upon self or psyche.  Small T traumas can be apparently minor incidents of humiliation, conflict, and rejection. The memories of unprocessed large T and small T traumas are stored in a similar fashion; inherent within them are the emotions of the original incident and the physical reactivity that was present at that moment in time.

[Gaining Strength]

This is from the EFT website -

Traumas, abuses or other negative events profoundly affect an impressionable child, resulting in anxiety, anger, fear, insecurity, a sense of unworthiness, self-loathing and much more. The bottom line is that most likely you would have begun to feel that something was wrong with you,

That's the question that I used to ask about myself for many years.  This question led me to seek psychological therapy in the first place - trying to find an answer to that question.  What is wrong with me.

Now I know.  My question now is, "how do I heal?"  and I have some answers for that.  We'll see if they work.

we simply pick up where our parents left off by continuing to abuse ourselves in adulthood.  You might find that you often say things to yourself like “I can’t do anything right!”, “What’s wrong with me?”, “Why can’t I get out of this awful mess?” and so on. That keeps you stuck right where your parents put you… kind of in a permanent “time out” in the corner of your own life.  Wow - that's me.

Big message - I didn't deserve the good things my father provided.  I don't deserve to have that or provide that for my son.

[cats paw]

 
  Yes, GS, I really get that.  A permanent time out in the corner of your own life.  That's what I meant when I was talking on your other thread about we do to ourselves what was done to us.  It's so hard when our child and critic are functioning rather than our
adults. 

  Speaking of children, is your son still at camp?

[Gaining Strength]

Yes Cat's Paw.  That's it.  I am so clear that my child/critic is the paralyzing effect in my life.  I see that the adult me can unlock the pain.  I really like the analogy of a maze.  My child/critic got stuck in a dead end and could not/would not trace backward to find and try another route that would lead out of the stuckedness.  But the adult me can find the way out.  All I have to do is bring the stuckedness place into my consciousness.  Then I can find my way out.

The real question for me now is HOW to bring this old stuff into consciousness.  I personally don't believe there is a CORRECT answer.  I think there may be many options and some will work better for me than others. 

I have to be careful about putting my process out there because I am so suseptible to the pain of being criticized.  The susceptibility is beyond the rational, normal response.  For me, b/c my parents would actually sabotage my attempts to take care of myself (since they refused to) I am hyper sensitive to questioning and criticism of my choice.  That means that I will make some mistakes - without question but that's ok.  It was not ok when I was going up but it is now.

As I write I realize a way in which I have made significant progress.  For many years I would leap into things with any hope of getting out of the pain I was in.  My heart would beat hard and I would put on my blinders and pray/hope beyond reason that my gamble would pay off.  Now I am in a different place.  I have made progress in so many areas.  This is sort of my last (but most significant) frontier.

[sKePTiKal]

When you remember those little T traumas - and you are feeling those old emotions; the stuck place - you need to parent LG through the experience. Be the parent to yourself... love your LG... give her the benefit of your adult wisdom and compassion...

and then, LG will start to understand, will start to let go of clinging to those old wounds... and the feelings will lift gradually, over time.

At least, that's how it worked for me. Wanted to suggest it, in case you wanted to try it. Short on time this morning... but I had another dream... MORE good news!