Does PTSD ever get healed?

[towrite]

I am beginning to wonder. I do everything I can think of to calm myself, make sure I have support, take my meds, do things that relax me, get deadlines out of the way, to reduce stress. Yet even a phone fight with my mother last night plummets me right back to being 9 years old, only now, at my age, I am free to feel the rage of her betrayals, lies, and denials. And I let her feel the full brunt of my anger. No longer will I hold back out of "respect" or "politeness". She made a promise to do something regarding my brother who isn't speaking to me yet and then she backed out. I told her she had let me down and disappointed me. She asked me if I was trying to hurt her and my response was, "This isn't about you." Suddenly I feel my tongue has loosened, like I can speak the long-lost language of Kate.

Being thrown back to age 9 is unsettling, to say the least. I wonder if that will always be so.

My job and new home are good, thanks to everyone for your support. I am physically exhausted but as long as I keep stress at bay I can manage. My puppies bring me endless love and adoration. I must learn to simply let go of my brother and stay the hell away from the N-witch.

[Gaining Strength]

Towrite - I am so happy to hear about your job and new home.  What wonderful news!!!  What hope!!!

I recently found an excellent book about PTSD and healing.  I'll look for the link and put it in here for you.  My recent experience is that it is very good to go back to these childhood ages and view them as adults.  This is a process that I am actually encouraging for myself because it is a way to get free.  As a child I could not see how irrational my mother was and if I did I could not get around her authority to make sense out of what was rational.  But as an adult I can look back on what she did and see clearly how irrational it was and can put that crazy making all on her shoulders.  IT WAS NOT ME!!  IT WAS NOT YOU!!  It was HER!!!

I am seeing new almost every day how the way I started feeling by her irrational mean behavior actually caused me to feel HORRIBLE  about myself and I STILL DO.  So my strategy is to learn how to change those FEELINGS.  To learn to actually be kind and gentle to myself so that I can change.

I am going to make it.  Don't give up.  You can change and get past her meanness and cruelty.  Don't give up.  Keep looking for the strategies that feel comfortable for you and don't give up.

Here's the link I mentioned in my thread - "HEALING TRAUMA - A BOOK"  Just click on it to see if it interests you.
here's the link if anyone want to read other pages:  http://books.google.com/books?id=kTrd29tfupIC&printsec=frontcover&dq=humiliation+%2B%22child+abuse%22+-sexual+%2Bpsychology+%2Bhealing#PPP1,M1

[cats paw]

Towrite,

  I want to say as well how good it is to hear of your job and your home.  And your puppies!

  I hope all the little girls get to feel what they need to feel, plus I hope they come to realize they can only look to you to not let them down like she does.   There's a lot of good reading on this board, especially some of PR's writing about her process, and SS always provides good info on strategies in her links.

cats paw

 

[ann3]

Hi Towrite,

So happy to hear about your job & new home.

IMO, we can heal our PTSD, but it takes time and it takes as long as it takes.  I think it's very healing to figure out how we were damaged and how the damage effects us today, mourn our losses and live in the present.  Easy to say, hard to do.

love,
ann

[Ami]

Dear Kate
 I have hope of healing,  now. I think if we can find one person whom we can share our deepest heart with and be accepted, we can heal, an Enlightened Witness, as Alice Miller calls it.
 I feel hope and it is so precious to feel hope.
 For me, nothing has helped me, really, until now. I can see my life as being OK, at some point, b/c I will be able to be "real"not the unreal distorted self my M demanded I become. Then, I was stuck with the distortions and illusions like a dress that was way too tight. I could never pull it off.
 I think I can start to pull it off,now, and find a dress that fits.
  Love You Kate,   Ami

(((((((((((Kate))))))))))

[sKePTiKal]

Yes, PTSD can be healed. Yes, there is a long time involved of feeling like our little girl selves when triggered by present moment experiences...

... it's been a 3-4 year process for me and there's been a landslide of things falling away; disappearing for me in the last month or two.

I'll come back when I have more time to update my thread with the latest... but currently, I'm functioning in all areas of my life with my emotions dialed into the present moment frequency - the "triggering" has evolved into just a sensitivity about some things... and I'm no longer beating myself up about my feelings or letting other people criticize, judge, or dismiss me for those feelings.

A LOT has been going on... but it hasn't been the same as all my previous work... it's harder to detect.

Well - gotta run right now. I'm hoping I get some time this afternoon to "touch base" & update folks...

Glad to hear of your positive changes! I was worried about you for a while there.

[Ami]

Thonking of you, Kate. If you have time, I would love an update.                                 Love   Ami

[Overcomer]

Kate:  You sound like me a while ago.  I have calmed down so much since I have been on cymbalta.  My mom triggers me every day.  My d is irritated by her as well.  I look at it this way.  Our moms do not know how to change..........they will not even admit they NEED to change.  So the only course of action is to change.  And while we are changing we are labelled lunatics because all the pent up rage and anger come flooding out.......but sometimes boundaries come in the form of a canyon....not a line.  THIS IS MY BOUNDARY, MOM, AND YOU CANNOT CROSS IT!!!!

It takes time but you will get there.  And sometimes you will get catapulted right back!!  Oh, it is awful!!

But.....you can do it!

[towrite]

Yeah, Kelly, the Cymbalta has really helped me, too. But, just like the Zoloft, there are afternoons when my anxiety rises for no apparent reason. It almost feels like the Cymbalta has worn off.

I have to deal with my NM much more often than I care to. This last fight showed me she is now progressing towards dementia. Believe me an N with dementia is nothing to sneeze at!

Amy, to update you. I got this job in June, then the first of this month I got my own house. I'd been living with a friend since March and had no internet. After 5 mos. with my friend, I was so-o-o ready to live by myself again. Two grown women just cannot share small, cramped quarters, esp. when one is OCD!

Anyway, that's the story. I am in much better shape than I was 3 mos. ago. Thanks for asking.

[towrite]

My therapist said something amazing yesterday - maybe it's old news but to me it was a blast of new perspectives. She said one reason my PTSD isn't getting better - or hasn't in the last 10 yrs - she believes is b/c I have had no positive, passionate connection to anyone in my life - no spouse, no children, nothing I can really focus on in a loving way outside of myself. Everything in my life in a way retriggers my PTSD b/c it's about stress, anxiety, etc.

I was shocked I had not thought of this. I think I have been so overwhelmed that in every rel'ship - friend or otherwise - I have pounded the other person with my needs, scared to death they wouldn't get met and that meant death for me. So I made a decision right then - if I get a second chance, I am going to really try to make it work and let go of trying to be right. I am going to accept more things at face value, not look for hidden meanings or signs that I've done something wrong. That just feeds my PTSD, I think. It's not about me. Famous and well-said words.

My problem is I am not sure I know how to draw a line between accepting people as they are and letting myself get walked over. Anyone know what I mean?

[Ami]

Dear Kate
 I completely understand. We never had parents who could mirror  back. We were left w/out confidence and trust in ourselves. We are running on empty for human love and connection.
 We are desperately hungry b/c we have been starved for so long. It is not our fault.
 I can hear your pain ,Kate. I do understand.
  Love   Ami


((((((((Kate)))))))