I am beginning to wonder. I do everything I can think of to calm myself, make sure I have support, take my meds, do things that relax me, get deadlines out of the way, to reduce stress. Yet even a phone fight with my mother last night plummets me right back to being 9 years old, only now, at my age, I am free to feel the rage of her betrayals, lies, and denials. And I let her feel the full brunt of my anger. No longer will I hold back out of "respect" or "politeness". She made a promise to do something regarding my brother who isn't speaking to me yet and then she backed out. I told her she had let me down and disappointed me. She asked me if I was trying to hurt her and my response was, "This isn't about you." Suddenly I feel my tongue has loosened, like I can speak the long-lost language of Kate.
Being thrown back to age 9 is unsettling, to say the least. I wonder if that will always be so.
My job and new home are good, thanks to everyone for your support. I am physically exhausted but as long as I keep stress at bay I can manage. My puppies bring me endless love and adoration. I must learn to simply let go of my brother and stay the hell away from the N-witch.