Pushing the healing envelope

[Gaining Strength]

I have found the EFT process on emofree.com to be very helpful in getting to the source of so much of my psychological pain.  So today I went there to plumb for more information and processes that would help me further my healing.  I began re-reading Palace of Possibilities.  It is a 140 page PDF file.  But 40 pages in I have found some help. 

In recent weeks I have come to see how the whole part of me has always been in residence right along side of the wounded, pained, suffering self.  And now I can see her clearly but it is hard to tune into her and out of the wounded self.  There is another process that I have mentioned for the 2 years that I have been on this board and it is a book by Jeffry Schwartz MD entitled The Mind and The Brain. 

Suddenly I see that I can combine concepts from both of these and apply them to help continue the healing process.  Schwartz focuses on a 4 part process of CBT that identifies the unwanted behavior and reidentifies it as a brain malfunction.  I am now calling this "paralysis" a malfunction that belongs to my N parents and I then use Palace of Possibilities' Gleesome Threesome to tune out of the pain self and into the real self.

I'll let you know how it works.

The real me is very determined and goal oriented.  The real me is fearless and open to so much possibility.  the real me is full of hope and joy and giving.  The real me cares about people and loves to connect.  The real me loves beauty and cooperation.  The real me is creative and is dedicated and follows through.  The real me is passionate and loving and resourceful.

I'll be focusing on the real me for some time now.  It is much more comfortable and pleasant than the wounded me.  I'm tired of her and of her parents.  Time for them to be gone.

[Ami]

 You are so right. I know that you  have so many qualities which should be celebrated and honored.   Love  Ami

[Gaining Strength]

Thanks so much Ami.  That is very nice of you.

Love, SS

[Ami]

Dear SS
 I find that as I am me, I was always OK. The lie was that I was not. The NM  puts a good hurting on you ,taking away trust in yourself and instilling tremendous insecurity. I guess they can use you that way b/c you are undermined.
 I am seeing that what I thought was "bad" was human, not "bad".
 I was brainwashed . She did an excellent job and it is resistant to change,but when I show my true self to s/one and am not rejected, I see that I am OK, and always was.             Ami

[Gaining Strength]

Yes - that makes sense Ami.  I actually have begun to see ways in which I do that to my own son.  It's not a big surprise, it's so deeply ingrained.  I am thankful that I can see it now.

he was testing in karate the other day in ordr to move up in rank.  I didn't think he had been working hard enough and thought he was ill prepared.  He would not practice after we arrived even though we were well in advance.  I told him that if he didn't pass that he would have to earn the testing fee before he could test again.

As he peformed his kata he was precise and did an excellent job.  I actually caught myself initally watching him to catch him make a mistake.  I was so surprised at myself.  It gave me tremendous insight into how my parents treated me.  Waiting for me to make a mistake - GOTCHA! 

Later that night I was working on his homework and I noticed a similar attitude - this underground level of irritation, waiting for him to mess up rather than looking to see what he did well.  I switched my attitude immediately.  But the insight was helpful beyond my ability to be a mother, it helps me to see what happened to me as well.

Dandylife's thread on NPD helped me see all of this so clearly.  That Example #3 really opened my eyes.

I am finding that I can begin to identify what is blocking me from action, what is paralyzing me and what disfunctional coping skills I have adapted.  I am learning to switch out of the fear mode that has completely dominated my life for so many years.  This morning I was having a very hard time just doing the very basics and I was able to tell myself that it was an unconscious, internal critical voice and it was a false voice.  This was amazingly helpful and allowed me to move through the paralysis.  I have been searching for YEARS for a means or a technique that would help me move through the fear/panic/anxiety/paralysis.  I know that the more I am able to do this the freer I will become.  Each time I am successful I will be closer and closer to healing and functional.

Thanks for listening and thanks for your support.

[Gaining Strength]

I wanted to post about an moment of healing from this morning.  I was feeling that usual, wretched, gnawing, non-specific anxiety and began tapping (EFT) about it.  What I got was this - I remembered that as an adolescent and teen my mother would say to me (in a derrogatory tone) before I left the house and other times as well, "Go brush your hair."  Most of the time I had already just finished brushing my hair.  But my hair was very curly and sort of frizzy. 

I have always dismissed this and never thought much about it.  Today I learned that there was much more emotional attachment to that.  It hurt and it hurt alot.  And it made me feel like I looked horible.  And that was what I was reacting to this morning.  It was such a surprise.

I suspect I will continue to be surprised by thing like this that I didn't realize how much pain this seemingly insignificant commebnts caused.  I will continue to search for and process more and more of this.  All of this small T trauma piled up so high.  It almost destroyed me.

God give me the strength to put my life back together.  To get the financial and legal issues straightened out before the mountain of penalties is too great.

[LilyCat]

SS,

You are doing so well, and it is so wonderful to see your continual progress. It really is.

I think you described your "real me" very well -- that's sure what I see!

Thanks for the EMF info, too. I've sort of read about it a little but not enough to really do it. It sounds like it would be much more helpful than I thought. (I thought it was like snapping a rubber band on your wrist to stop a bad habit.)

I am sorry, though, to hear more of what you've gone through your whole life. How awful.

But don't be hard on yourself about the son thing. You come to it honestly. It's great that you're aware of it and trying not to do it.

Bravo for you!!

LC

[Gaining Strength]

Thanks LilyCat.

I am just thankful that I have enough clarity to catch that hidden attitude.  It pales in comparison to what my parents did but it does give me insight into how they functioned and how they were able to deny it to themselves.  The denial is the most frustrating for me but c'est la vie now.  I am thankfullly learning how to switch from the pain to another perspective - it's not easy but it is mch like the experience of becoming an observer of self during meditation.

[ann3]

"Go brush your hair."
I have always dismissed this and never thought much about it.  Today I learned that there was much more emotional attachment to that.  It hurt and it hurt alot.  And it made me feel like I looked horible.  And that was what I was reacting to this morning.  It was such a surprise.

Oh, yeah!!  "You're going out looking like that????"  "Fix your hair!!!"  And, the most damaging "You look like a ________ (insert ethnic slur here).  I'd change my cloths, re-do my hair and then leave the house feeling I looked like crap.  Thanks, Mom!

[Gaining Strength]

That's it Ann.  Such a simple little cut but the damage is much deeper than I would have thought. 

Bad thing is this is just a fraction of what we received from them.  So much more to process.  The good news for me is that I am getting stronger and stronger and that means that this toxic stuff does not keep me in a perpetual reactive state of panic/rage that I have lived in for so long. 

At long last I can move out of that panic/rage state.  I recognize it, acknowledge that it comes from and belongs to my "evil/N" parents, remember that the real me does not react to that stuff and find an image of what "real me" feels like and hold on to that feeling.  Then I can move forward in finishing what I was trying to accomplish.

[Gaining Strength]

Today, for the first time ever, I was able to work on cleaning my house and experienced no anxiety, no crippling shame and no gripping stomach ache.  It is nothing short of a miracle for me to finally break through.  Strangely enough it is not a comfortable feeling.  I keep expecting the killing shame to descend any minute.  But then I switch my mind back to the good place and I can push on. 

The most amzaing part is to work and not feel the shame - After all these years - I have finally broken through.  I'm tired and going to sleep.  I wonder how it will play out in the morning.

[axa]

SS

It is wonderful to read your determined and courageous posts.  The power of the voices never ceases to amaze me.  I too am constantly working to move away from those toxic voices and free myself from that slime.

axa

[Gaining Strength]

This morning not as free as I hoped.  I am going to work on the Palace of Possibility today.  The same victim/fear mindset came back in my dreams but not nearly as bad as before.

[Ami]

Dear SS
 I am so happy for your breakthrough. If you do not sustain all of it ,it is still a true breakthrough. I find that things do go 3 steps forward,one step back. It is still forward progress, even though it feels dissapointing to go back, even a little. I am rooting for you,SS.     Love   Ami

[Gaining Strength]

Thank you so much Ami. 

My brain is so severly stunted or stuck in a "victim" mindset.  When I am just doing things without paying attention to my feelings or thooughts then I might find myself caught in what has been normal for so long.  But the greatest gift is that I have built up a large arsenal of tools or techniques that I can use to get back into the healing mindset.  It is making such a huge difference.  I am thankful for each moment that I feel transformed.  I will just keep it up.