interesting glimpse into BPD

[dandylife]

I got this email today from a mail list I joined on bpdcentral. It was actually very interesting and rang very true for someone who deals with BPD daily. I don't necessarily agree with the ending - always watching what YOU said or do, (which comes across as walking on eggshells) but the convo examples are spot on!




"I wanted to talk to you today about communication with your loved one, because sometimes what you say is sometimes not the same thing as what they hear, and that could be the reason for your breakdown in communication.


I'm going to give you some examples, too, so you understand what I'm talking about. Some of them you may even have experienced yourself.


Example #1: What you say: "I have to work late. I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to cancel our plans for tonight."

What your loved one hears: "I don't want to go out with you this evening because I don't love you anymore. I never want to be with you again."


Example #2: What you say: "I'm so proud of my daughter! Yesterday she hit a home run and won the game. Let's go to a movie tonight and celebrate."

What your loved one hears: "I love my daughter more than you. She is talented and you are not. From now on, I'm going to give all my love and attention to her and ignore you."


Example #3: What you say: "I had such a great day at work! My supervisor told me that my presentation was so good that I might even get a promotion!"

What your loved one hears: "I'm so much better than you. My job is so much better than yours. I am good and you are bad. You are nothing - you are no good at anything you do."


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Even though you don't think you've said anything wrong, your loved one misinterprets what you've said. It's not your fault; the flaw is in your loved one's thinking. The cause for your loved one's faulty thinking may never be known.

Unfortunately, you can't always watch every word you say, but sometimes you can know why your loved one reacts the way they do to what you say. 

Just remember, the fault is theirs and not yours. In my main course and resource below, I talk aboutcommunication between you and your loved one: SUPPORTING A LOVED ONE WITH BORDERLINE?

http://www.borderlinecentral.com/report/

NEED HELP EXPLAINING BORDERLINE PERSONALITY?http://www.borderlinecentral.com/explainingborderline/

Also, you need to consider non-verbal communication. It's not only what you say, but you have to watchwhat you're doing when you say it. For example, even if you're saying the right thing, if your arms are crossed when you're saying it, your loved one may interpret it as threatening.

Or if you're standing in a threatening position, leaning into your loved one, or standing in their personal "space," they'll think that's threatening as well.

It's not so much that you're actually doing anything wrong - it's that your loved one will THINK that you're doing/saying something wrong, and will misinterpret what you're saying. You also have to watch how you say what you're saying. Don't use a threatening tone of voice. Keep your voice soft-spoken, loving, kind, firm, and supportive.  Don't ever yell, even though they may be yelling at you, and even though you may want to yell back at them. Remember that you're the one in control, even though they may be out of control.  You can still make your point, but your loved one won't feel so threatened if you do these things. So, the point is, you not only have to watch what you're saying to your loved one, you have to watch how you say it, and watch your non-verbal communication as well. "

Dandylife

[Gaining Strength]

My late husband has some borderline tendencies.  I had no idea of that until after he had died.  I was familiar with BPD but never thought about it in terms of his behavior.  When I received awards or recognition for things I had done, he became very angry and responded by putting me down or belittling my work.  It was very, very painful.

Thanks for posting this.

[dandylife]

Shame Slayer,

You must have had a strange feeling that something was wrong during your marriage? Did you find that no matter what you tried, nothing seemed to soothe him?

Yes, painful is a good way to describe dealing with someone who has BPD thinking. Painful, frustrating, confusing (why do they care so much about ...X?) You know? Everything little thing seems to upset them. And then they are like...."I am SO overwhelmed....by life!" When it's really just an ordinary day. I am trying to continue my tolerance and detachment....but it's hard....

Dandylife

[Gaining Strength]

there are a number of things in hindsight that lead me to that conclusion.  He did fit the phrase, "I hate you, Don't leave me."  He would be very cruel to me at times and when I got ready to go somewhere to get away from his anger he would then become angry about that.

Here is an example of the strange things he would do.  He kept a computer in the bedroom and at times he would get up in the middle of the night and work.  It always woke me up.  I would tell him that I was going to go sleep somewhere else and he would become very angry.  Eventually I had to talk to a marriage counselor about this issue because I couldn't sleep and he refused to moved the computer (he had an office in the basement and a computer there) and would become enraged if I moved to sleep elsewhere. 

Here's another - He had subscriptions to many magazines and got the newspaper at work.  I did not get the newspaper at work and wanted to get the paper at home.  he refused.  AND when I bought single issue magazines he threw a fit and berated me about it over and over.  (Our finances were not joined and he was not paying for this $5 magazine.)  One such occasion I was buying the magazine for recipes for his surprise birthday dinner.  I brought it up after the dinner in front of his friends.  He laughed along with everyone else but his belittling of how I spent money never ended.

Even though he died before our 4th anniversary, I have so many more stories like this.  One thing he did was become angry and emotionally abusive if I received an  award or was recognized for something.  The last time this happened was exactly one week before he died when my picture was in the paper for work I was doing.  Because I couldn't have a subscription to the paper I told him that July 4th morning that I was going to the store to get a paper as my photo holding our son was to be in the paper that morning.  He was very angry and started spewing personal attacks.  I remember standing by the door and trying to figure out how I was going to get a copy.  I just waiing until later.  It wasn't worth it.  to me this is a perfect example of #3.  Boy - it was devastating to me.  I could not make any sense out of it until I came across descriptions of BPD - then it all fell into place.

I have been thinking about your initial post for several days.  Something in that applies to both of my parents even though I don't believe they have NPD (though my father is diagnosed with Personality Disorder NOS).  It's example #3.  I think that explains why they both couldn't bear for anything good to happen to me or for me.  Rather than taking pride in my achievements they saw it as a threat to themselves.  This helps me understand what when on and how it created in me much of the fear syndrome and paralysis that I have lived with.

I have actually seen hints of a similar reaction I have had at times.  Example #3 is the very thing that has fed a good bit of my own feelings of resentment and I suspect they are exactly what is underneath my mother's profound sense of entitlement/resentment.

Thanks again for posting this.