Scapegoated again

[sKePTiKal]

Each square foot that you clean to YOUR satisfaction... is equal to diminishing the power of the old critical, shaming voices by ten times that. Each square foot - each completed task or corner proves that the voices are lies... and that they don't control you, anymore.

Only you can define what "good enough" is for each task.

Only you can "want" this square foot today - and that, tomorrow - badly enough to carry it through, despite the wailing banshees who only want attention on themselves... control over someone, something... and that someone USED TO BE you.

You go, girl... when the voices get frantic, just tell them - I'm doing this for ME and that doesn't concern YOU.

[Gaining Strength]

I'm working on the piece of getting to the place where I only need validation from me

Wow Ann - I had never thought of that! 

Each square foot that you clean to YOUR satisfaction...

OMG PR.  This is in response to your whole thread - I so get it.  I am definitely working to replace those N-ternalized voices and I will use your words to help overwrite those nasty, malignant, poisonous people. 

Thanks - that's all I can say but thanks!!!

[ann3]

I'm working on the piece of getting to the place where I only need validation from me

Wow Ann - I had never thought of that! 

Yup, from what I understand, that is the ultimate freedom:  not needing validation from anyone else except ourselves.  It's OK to want validation, but, to feel like we don't need it.

luv,
ann

[Hopalong]

((((((((SS))))))))))

I have lived my entire life in the twisted reality of Nism but no more.  Even if that means being alone for the rest of my life.

What was miraculous to me was when it gradually dawned on me that each step I took further away from reacting or responding or yes, even caring... the closer I stepped toward new relationships. Now that Mom is gone from home, and now that my brother has splintered what family remained, I don't feel more alone.

I feel more...roomy. I have my child, I have my chosen community, I have a few close friends. I don't want to give the word "family" that much power over my happiness ever again. My mother used to obsessively talk about family-family-family, and I now think of it as a compulsive mantra, an attempt to fill in the gaping darkness where my predator preacher grandfather operated...with a mythic vision that biology and blood would mean safety or loyalty.

They
do
not.

Some families are healthy and love and support each other. Some don't. Mine didn't (though my Dad tried, and his love made a difference). But he's gone now, and I am left with Nmother, Nbrother, and my daughter (who, like me, has her clear Nspots). She, however, has become my champion. And I know we are okay.

I KNOW I have a better chance now, or once the legal battle with my brother ends, of inviting healthier people into the new spaces that have opened up in me. The spaces that used to be CHOKED SOLID with my obsession with my Nmother's inabilities, my hunger for milk from a non-mammal.

My brother's hyena attacks... have entirely removed the last traces of "daze" or "trance" about the word family. What amazes me most is that this does not feel like a tragedy.

It feels like cannonballs off my shoulders, spiderwebs out of my lungs, an iron band broken away from my heart muscle.

I do not want a family. I want my daughter, my home (wherever it is), my friends, my church, my animals and plants, my planet, my country, my causes, my music, my writing, my joys, my tears, my life. And all of these I have already.

The rest of my life is for gratitude. One word, family, was a bludgeon, and I will never hit myself over the heart with it again. Even and ESPECIALLY during the damn holidays!

As soon as I can afford it, I'll be on a cruise at Christmas.

love to you and forgive the hijack but ohhh do I know where you are...

Hops

[Gaining Strength]

I spoke to my former SIL today.  She wanted to thank me for my presence on Tuesday.  I told her I appreciated her comment but that I was confused because my brother told me and everyone else that her (former sil's) attorney said the I was the reason negotiations broke down.  She said, "My attorney and I never said that at all.  His WIFE is the reason the negotiations fell apart.  I don't want my son living with a woman who hates me and demonizes me."

I already knew he lied but it is interesting to hear her say that.  He lied and he believes his own lie.  He would have to believe his own lie or he couldn't lie in front of ME and the others. 

[sKePTiKal]

I KNOW I have a better chance now, or once the legal battle with my brother ends, of inviting healthier people into the new spaces that have opened up in me. The spaces that used to be CHOKED SOLID with my obsession with my Nmother's inabilities, my hunger for milk from a non-mammal.

My brother's hyena attacks... have entirely removed the last traces of "daze" or "trance" about the word family. What amazes me most is that this does not feel like a tragedy.

It feels like cannonballs off my shoulders, spiderwebs out of my lungs, an iron band broken away from my heart muscle.

OH HOPS -------

I can't tell you how much these words - and the reality behind them - echo in me! Again, you've touched the "nerve" with words that are completely dead-on, truer than true north.... that express a reality that's inescapable and cleared up emotions once so cluttered with head-games.

As well - the FREEDOM - yes, that's real too when it's possible to give up the obsession with trying to make them what they are not - and give up trying to fit into that topsy-turvy world.

So love the image of trying to get milk from a non-mammal....

[cats paw]

   Wow, what a thread!!  So glad for both of you, SS and Hops.

   That was exactly the thought I had- what your sil's att. said- that you had facilitated things that day, SS.

   So good to read all these epiphanies.

cats paw