Im new, haveing trouble.

[changing]

Hello Sweet Lady-


You are not alone here on this Board, and you have done nothing to deserve what you are suffering - I once made a similar post, though it was years later in my marriage and after the abuse progressed much further. The people here helped me to save myself and though I am not through with the process, I am so much happier and freer than I was when I first posted, and know that you can be as well. You deserve a fulfilling and happy life, and we will support what you choose as your highest good.

Do you have a Domestic Violence support group or agency in your area? My friends here suggested that I seek out a 3-D group for myself, and it has been of immeasurable help to me. When someone threatens you Sweet, that is not only a precursor to violence, but an act of violence. A DV counselor can help you sort things out with knowledge and experience, that perhaps family and friends may not have at the moment, and you will have a safe place to speak  your truth without judgment.

You have your whole wonderful life ahead and much to look forward to. Please do what you know is right for yourself, and do not lose heart!

Love,

Changing

[Certain Hope]

Dear Sweet Lady,

I hope you know that nobody else defines you... not your familly members, not your husband, not anyone.

The others here have given you good advice about getting help... a women's shelter got me away from a dangerous man.

That's what you have, Sweet - a dangerous man.

This isn't a choice between your family and your husband... it's a chance to choose life for yourself.

Please get help.

Love,
Carolyn

[lighter]

SW:

Your husband's behavior isn't going to get better.... it's going to get worse.

AND.... he has a heads up that you're unhappy and may be trying to leave him soon.

The more time you give him to prepare.... the harder it will be to leave.

He's going to make it very difficult...... but,

 if you decide that leaving is better for you and your children.....

you must make a plan and set your cap.

Sail your course and ask for help...... don't keep hiding things from your family.... your h benefits from secrecy, not you.

Stop trying to protect everyone around you already.

Act now to minimize damage to everyone.

Call the police if your husband threatens or harms you.

Ask friends and family for help, physical as well as emotional.

Do you have access to bank accounts?

Do you need to save some money and make a plan to flee?

Start thinking about the logistics of staying safe and removing yourself from this relationship.

It may bring you more clarity than you have right now, in any case.... to begin thinking past the current confusion he's causing.

Lighter

[Sela]

Dear Sweet Lady,

I'm so sorry that you have to go through all of this.  Not fun at all.  You are being emotionally and mentally abused (and threatened physical abuse).

What do you think is holding you back/keeping you there?

I'm trying to imagine and what I think most might be for me, in such a situation, is fear.

Someone once said (sorry I can't remember who):

We all have courage.  We just have to use it.

That doesn't make it easy though eh?

(((((((((hug to you SW)))))))))

Please be brave for you!

Sela

[changing]

Hi Sweet Lady-

Please write this number down call now if you wish and put the number somewhere safe,  in case you need it later- 1 (800) 799-7233.  This is the number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline. You can call anytime and get help, as well as information regarding resources in your area (usually free resources).

Keep strong and be well,

Changing

[teartracks]

Dear SweetLady,

I failed my course in, Affairs of the Heart.  Otherwise, I might be full of advice. 

Others here are much wiser than me on the subject.  I do send you my best.

I agree with Changing that memorizing that National Domestic Violence Hotline number is a very good idea.  Or if needed, tuck it away in your wallet.   Excellent advice.

tt

 

[SweetLady27]

I have to make up my mind! Thank you so much ladys for speaking with me, everyone is telling me the same thing you my family I know this is true and I dont know why I cant do it  He's lazy he lays in bed all weekend. He feels that he works all week he needs the weekend to sleep.  I have to push him to get up and go to go out side he just dosent like it. I am a teacher he knows when I can I want a child. We talked about this and I said will you be able to go out side with the child and teach him to ride a bike, play in the sand with the child. At first he joked and said its all up to you. then he said no  I will. You know you cant change me much though, i have always been this way.  He has changed though  when we were dateing we went places. We talked about babys before we were married and we both wanted one and would share responshiblitys. Now im not sure if he wants one or if I should have one with him

[lighter]

Please...

do not have children with a man who's abusive to you.

Please.

Lighter

[SweetLady27]

I am a bad wife,  my husband came down with c-diff from takeing antibiotics, he is supposed to eat yogert, the one he was going to eat was expired I said no dont eat it he said it didnt matter I grabed it from his hand, he pushed me and threw his antibioxices brakeing them all.
         he was mad at me becuse of this, and becuse I thought I may of gotten c-diff as well becuse I was on antiboitics at the same time he was  he told me he was going to drop me off at the emergency room and I said no could you please go with me I wouldnt like to be there alone.
         I also went out with my mom to eat he asked me to bring him home something, he has a stomach bug we went to applebees he couldnt eat anything from there I know I was rotten I didnt bring him anything home.
             I dont make as much money as him so i am not able to make decisons  about the house, if I spend money I am spending his, I am a teacher I try to make money unfortunatly I dont make as much as him.  I am a very bad wife and he tells me so I am mean to him and he is mean to me becuse I bring it all on myself and to everyone I make him seem mean but if they knew how bad I was they would realize why he gets upset. I should clean more I understand  I dont do the best at it, I do cook for  him and I have not given him a hard time about not wanting to get out of bed, we come home at night from work he gets in bed  I make dinner  he eats in bed I take his plate and  do the dishes. On the weekends  he sleeps in bed. I wanted to plant flowers but we do not have the money, we are getting centeral air  so I shouldnt complain and i dont. He dosent like to go outside he mowes the lawn every two weeks I do the rest of the outside work.  I try to be a good wife  he tells me I have alot of faults and I guess I do. I would like a cat something I could hold and love and snuggle with, he told me I have so many things that I cant commit to  why should  he belive that I would take care  be alowd to get one. I dont know anymore  he told me I cry in my sleep.  Im so sad, I dont talk to my family about him the all want me to leave him and dont want to hear about it becuse i wont.  I want to go to therapy to see judith  but he dosent want me to, insurense dosent cover it all its ten dollars a session and  I dont make alot of money so I cant go.  I miss her she makes me feel alive.  I feel like Im stuck in a rut.
             Im so sorry  to complain,  My hair is  growing in from my sugery  im so happy its starting to cover my  ears I wanted to put some color in it, he told me no,  not until it grows longer im not aloud. my mom got mad and said  she would pay for it and he said if  I cant pay for it on my own im not aloud.  I dont know what to do with myself anymore. Im tired  and its all my fault, he likes it better when im not home when I go off with my mom and i come home he seems unhappy, he dosent like me to go he wants to spend all his time with me  but when i go and I get back  life is not happy. I mess his world up I dont know I just dont know anymore.  If I just say ok I will do what you say its ok,  he has a Idea to remodle out kitchen it isnt an good one I said how about we do this,  he got mad, he is going to redo our bathroom, I said  I like it this way I shouldnt have. he gets to plan the house and I shouldnt say a word  he resurches everything and my ways are dumb
           

[lighter]

I think you might be confused.... bc you might not want to face the truth about your marriage.

If he's constantly:

 criticizing you....

putting you down.....

telling you your ideas are stupid......

making all the decisions bc he only values his opinion....

expecting you to be his servant bc your full time job doesn't earn equal pay......

then you may not have the marriage you signed up for.

What do you think?

Lighter

[SweetLady27]

I dont, and I have hit the point my family is finaly done talking to me, I now pretend that life is purfect and I pretend to be ok with his bear and it talks to me and dances. He stays in bed and it is ok, it is now 3:13,and he is supposed to mow the lawn  I we are supposed to go out for my birthday dinner and he said  he was going to take me out  danceing. He has stayed in bed all day  and he said do we really have to go to dinner early, if I say anything I will loose my chance to go out.  Last night we were supposed  to join his family at dinner and he  wanted to go home and lay down and shower for a bit, I said shouldnt we go first your family is waiting, I was a @@@@@@@@@@@@ Bitch and I shouldnt stick my nose in  abd why I dont know  he was leaving me home and I couldnt  go. I am so sad  He told me most men would be mad that becuse I was being controling. was I?

[Ami]

Dear Sweet Lady
 I have bitterness when I hear you talk b/c I tried to get away from my H ,with two small babies, and my M turned her back on me and I stayed. My youngest son committed suicide recently.
 You have family who loves you. Leave when you can.    Ami

[lighter]

I think you realize you weren't being controlling.

I'm sorry you're pretending everything's perfect..... 

Isolating and pretending probably aren't going to bring any positive changes in your life.

Have you considered finding a counselor you can be honest with..... who won't judge, pressure or turn their back on you?

You have choices. 


By the way..... if he takes you out to dinner and dancing..... how much fun do you think that'll be?

Lighter

[Izzy_*now*]

hi SL

I see your first post says you are thinking of leaving him. That is February and now in August you want to go dancing.

Something is amiss and I believe it is your resolve.

Nothing sounds happy for you and I am thinking you must resolve to do something about it and do it now or you will be writing us the same message next February and have wasted a year of your life!

Do you have a minister, a close friend who can help you get the ball rolling, then you hop onto that ball and roll right out of there!

Please do tell us , exactly,  WHAT is holding you there???????

(I am sorry that I posted this without reading but your first and last post! That was all that was necessary to tell me that you have gone no where. Now Chop! Chop! Let's get this show on the road!!)

OKAY?

Good Luck
Izzy

[lighter]

I see it like this, Izz.....

SL discovers and sets some boundaries.  (very hard to do when we're ambivalent about what healthy boundaries are)

Then she sets some consequences..... in her own head.

Speaking them out loud to her husband will only give him the time and pleasure of fouling her efforts, with outsiders and the court.

Plans might include taking her name off bank accounts and finding a new place to live.

They might include interviewing the 3 best family law attorneys in town.... more if she can afford it.

They might include figuring out the status on all credit cards and perhaps canceling them if they have her name on them?

How about getting all relevent papers together and hidden somewhere outside the home?

Taking one or two trusted family members into her confidence and asking for advice?

Packing a suitcase and leaving it with a trusted friend, just in case?

Her husband's made a marriage out of crossing her boundaries...... and making her feel guilty for voicing her feelings about it.

She has to overcome her guilt while putting new healthier thought processes' in place during a time of crisis if she tries to leave.

It's overwhelming, at best. 

If she could find a group in her area, with women in similar situations, I think it would really help.

Where are you SL?

Lighter