Study on BPD Sufferers & Cooperation (or lack of it)

[James]

Hi Miss Piggy....But he hates being alone. I know he was sent to boarding school at a young age.  perhaps that event alone was enough, or something happened while there that makes him feel unsafe.  He certainly hates being in crowds of people, but also is frightened to be alone.  He needs a security blanket in the form of a human being who is not allowed to have needs themselves What does this sound like? To me I have a very strong react to this revelation. Children who are left alone in infancy (neglected) become fearful when this happens, insecure. If this happened to your dad this old unmet need for safety and attention is still active and probably repressed. he will seek to fill this need and not know it. Pehaps the security blanket of another person is actually an attempt to fill this where his parents failed. Children are egocentric their needs have to be met and he is acting out of course he expects others to not have needs and serve his own. Just another thought. Does it ring a bell in you?....James

[miss piggy]

At the risk of hijacking this thread, I will tell you guys that you are hitting the nail on the head re my dad.  It also helps me to know my ancestral history was not very happy.  My greatgrandfather was the town nutcase much to the family's shame.  My grandmother was very uptight and perfectionistic.  Classic ACOA.  My mother reports that she (my grandmother) doted on my dad and uncle whenever they came home in the form of cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc.  I hear lots of busy-ness, not a lot of companionship and shared experience.  We knew her when I was a young kid and she was not sad, but not fun either.  It was very hard to have a conversation with her.  Like she was avoiding us.  My dad moved away from his parents not once but twice.  He did not want to be around them.  He never said this, of course, but it was pretty obvious. 

James, I think you are right about the lack of nurturing as a child.  If only nurturing now would make him relax.  It doesn't.  He just wants more and creates crises to keep it coming.  We all are in active modes of quiet and resolved resistance when around him.

Sorry this isn't on point about the study.  MP

[dandylife]

tt,

no I haven't read that author. And there was not much that came up searching amazon, or even abebooks.com. Do you recommend something in particular?

Miss Piggy,
Don't worry about hijacking, I don't really think about threads in those terms. What you have to share is important, and I want to hear it.

It seems, too, that the issue of being sent away to boarding school would constitute "abandonment", as well, don't you think? Or would bring about that feeling, I'm sure.

Dandylife

[Ami]

Dear Miss Piggy
 I am glad Dandy said that she didn't mind you sharing about your F,on this thread. I am very interested in your story and am glad that you have aplace to talk about it, if you care to.        Ami

[miss piggy]

    

Thanks everyone.  It's pretty special to have a place to come to and be understood.  Phew!

I just had another thought about my grandparents and their parents.  My dad's maternal grandmother moved away from his grandfather when they were in their very later years.  She went to live with one of her daughters.  I have a couple of pictures where they are all together and you can see actual body language that she does not want to be any where near her husband!      She is leaning away from him in any pic that includes both of them.  I feel like showing those to my mom (maybe my dad too!).  Like "what's going on here?" 

so much for the golden years!

[Ami]

Dear MP
 Pictures are very revealing, aren't they?       Ami

[miss piggy]

 

yes indeedy!  I see you are on the board along with me.  I'm going to have to cut out pretty soon, but wanted to say hi! 

Hi!   

[dandylife]

Hi tt!
Nice to hear your voice.

I read the article. And it actually gave me goosebumps. Yes, BPD sufferers, because of what they've been through, I think all their emotions, ANY emotion, but especially the ones that touch their inner core or inner child - fear, abandonment, lack of love, lack of security, etc. - they feel these emotions 10, 20, 100 times what the "normal" person would feel. It's terrifying for them.

That Nettles book, Personality, really stamped that into place for me. I can understand more that they just ARE that way. Without therapy it is that way they shall remain.

Yes, they need re-parenting. Expert re-parenting. Most definitely.

Thanks for this,
Dandylife

[Ami]

I can relate to replaying abandonment over and over. Yikes. When I read that about Borderlines, I think I have that quality, for sure.
 With an Enlightened Witness, you can replay the old patterns  with a new outcome. This time, when you are hurting,you can go to another person and they won't reject you.
 They won't shame you. They will honor and respect you. I, already, feel  more whole.
 It  is a form of reparenting. You see  a new paradigm.
 I am very grateful for it. It is one of the most precious gifts in my life.    Ami
                                   

[dandylife]

Ami,

Are you saying you think you fit the Borderline pattern? I think that with what I know about your childhood story - what you've shared - it would make sense you would feel that way. However, you have said many times that your realization about your mother occurred during adolescence. Do you think that's just when you recognized a pattern of abuse?

I am not familiar with the term Enlightened Witness. Where does it come from? How do you choose one?

Sounds fascinating. So, is this a form of therapy, Ami?

Dandylife

[Ami]

Dear Dandy,
 I can relate to some Borderline traits such as fear of abandonment. I am not a Borderline.
 I am hurting right now b/c I am facing my M.
 I have been reading Alice Miller and have found s/one to help me bear the pain of going back and facing the truth of my life. That is an Enlightened Witness ,as Miller terms it.
 I am healing ,for the first time, in a real way, not just intellectual theories,but a heart healing.
 Please feel free to ask any questions, Dandy. I am happy to answer .        Ami
 

[dandylife]

Ami,

I can see how having an Enlightened Witness would be similar to the re-parenting concept. Someone to empathize, listen, HEAR you. Sounds loving and effective.

I'm so glad you are finding something to help you to heal.

Dandylife