Hi everyone,
I haven't explored this site fully, but next to Dr. G's, on first look, it is the best I've seen. the embedded word links don't activate here so, if you go to the following link, you'll be able to navigate the information from beginning to end. I've pasted a few of the links below.
http://sfhelp.org/popIF/egotist.htmCommon Guardian Subselves
Premise - to survive low-nurturance environments, typical young kids develop a fragmented personality ruled by a "false self." One group of sub-selves is vulnerable inner kids. Another group is their ever-watchful "Guardians" like these:
Procrastinator
Perfectionist
Fantasizer / Dreamer
Addict (Distracter)
People-Pleaser
Deceiver / Liar / Con
Whore / Stud / Flirt
Clown / Joker / Entertainer
Pusher / Driver / Achiever
Warrior / Amazon
Abuser / Rager
Impatient / Hyper One
Inner Critic (Shamer)
Magician (Distorter)
Controller / Manipulator
Blocker / Numb-er
Worrier / Catastrophizer
Rebel / Aggressor
Loner / Hermit / Recluse
Saboteur / Screw Up
Survivor
Loser / Victim / Martyr
Idealist / Optimist
Fanatic / Zealot
Once aware of their unique set of subselves, wounded adults can harmonize them under the wise guidance of their true Self and Higher Power.
About the Egotist / Narcissist Personality Subself
Mythology describes Narcissus falling in love with his beautiful image in a pool. An egotist is someone who is "self-centered" and has an exaggerated view of her or his worth and talents compared to others. Some wounded people can have an over-active Guardian subself which may be called the Egotist / Narcissist . S/He causes such people to be "full of themselves," have a "swelled head," and ignore or discount the needs, feelings, opinions, and worth of other people.
Their behavior inherently broadcasts "I'm 1-up" (superior) messages, and rarely allows a genuine two-person "awareness bubble." This well-meaning personality subself may team up with a Selfish Child ("Fill my needs now!"), an Entitled One, Aggressive Child; a Competitor, who ceaselessly strives to "be better" than other people; and/or a Judge, who's specialty is criticizing other people's character, talents, goals, or achievements. All these make effective communication and balanced relationships difficult with an "ego-driven" (wounded) person. If confronted with these traits, a Magician subself can provide convincing reasons they aren't true, and/or that it's the other person's misperception or fault.
A typical overactive Egotist / Narcissist subself strives tirelessly to protect one or more Shamed subselves from experiencing the awful certainty that they're worthless, disgusting, inept, and unlovable. The Anxious Child, Abandoned Child, and Catas-trophizer, are convinced if other people really knew how despicable the person was, they'd scorn, reject and abandon him or her - just as early caregivers did in real life. Alternatively, shame-based parents' subselves over-praised their young child, set few limits, and didn't encourage and model genuine humility and respect for other people's needs, feelings, rights, dignity, and worth.
Effective recovery from false-self wounds (Project 1) evolves healthier ways to protect Inner Kids from excessive shame, guilt, and fears - partly by encouraging Guardians like the Egotist / Narcissist to trust the true Self, Higher Power, and healthy other people, and relax. As this happens, an "egotistical" person becomes notably more empathic and aware of others, and more considerate and supportive in their relationships.
R(espect) Attitudes and Messages
All adults and kids need to feel respected enough by them-selves and the people who mean the most to them. So our ruling personality subselves constantly decode others' behaviors for implied signs of disrespect. We can perceive accurately or not that another person's attitude about us is...
"I'm 1-up (superior) - my needs matter most to me now."
"I'm 1-down (inferior) - your needs matter most to me now."
= "I feel we're equals in dignity and worth now. I respect your and my needs equally now."
Communication works best when each person (a) is guided by their true Self (capital "S") and (b) receives genuine " =/= " R-mes-sages from their partner/s.
About True and False Selves
Premise - one of the subselves that comprise every normal personality is a talented group leader - the true Self (capital "S"). S/He is like an expert CEO, coach, director, chairman, captain, or musical conductor. As this subself matures, s/he increasingly excels at wide-angle, long-range goal-setting; focusing; delegating; confronting; negotiating; encouraging; guiding; analyzing; deciding; acquiring resources; praising; problem-solving; conflict management; and balancing. When other subselves trust the Self and other "Regulars" to lead, people report feeling notably light, "up," centered, strong, calm, grounded, purposeful, focused, resilient, alert, awake, confident, pre-sent, energized, serene, and clear - even in crises and conflicts.
When you don't feel some mix of these, one or more distrustful, reactive Vulnerable and/or Guardian subselves (a "false self") has probably blended with (disabled) your Self. This is so common in people raised in low-nurtur-ance childhoods they're usually unaware of it. Given the chance to lead, your Self wants to harmonize and coordinate your other subselves to achieve your unique purpose for being on Earth. Project 1 in this site is a way to empower your Self and harmonize your subselves over time.
About the Competitor / Opponent Personality Subself
Do you know someone who approaches most relationships as compe-titions - i.e. whose self-respect depends on being "the best" and/or "better" than (superior to) other people in general, or in some role/s? Such people are often dominated by a well-meaning Competitor personality subself. Their attitude and behaviors usually promote conflict, defensiveness, shame, hurt, distrust, anxiety, avoidances, and resentments in others.
The Competitor is usually devoted to fiercely protecting the Shamed Child subself by constantly proving and demonstrating "I'm the best" (and/or "I'm better than you!") This Guardian subself may work with others like the Entitled One (" I deserve to be recognized as superior!"); the Egotist / Narcissist, ("I am superior, and my needs are more important than other peoples'"); the Magician (who justifies offensive aggressive, manipulative behaviors); the Controller, who seeks to get others to do what s/he wants; the Warrior / Amazon, the Inner Critic ("You're such a loser!") and the Perfectionist ("You could have done it better!"). Overactive Guardian subselves like these haven't learned to respect and trust the wise leadership of the resident true Self and other competent Regular subselves.
Project 1 in this nonprofit site offers practical ways to harmonize your "inner family" of subselves, and reduce "false self" wounds over time. As this hap-pens, a compulsion to be the best shifts to striving to be the best I can be.
About the Entitled / Jealous One Personality Subself
How would you define entitlement to a new teenager? Here, it means a person believing that they or another person deserve certain attitudes, obe-dience, respect, perquisites, and/or freedoms from other people. Do you know someone who has a strong sense of entitlement? Do you?
People with little sense of entitlement tend to be passive (unassertive) victims and martyrs. Others with an exaggerated sense of entitlement can be demanding, aggressive, confrontive, controlling, righteous, intrusive, ego-tistic, abusive, self-centered, impatient, defiant, and argumentative.
A well-meaning Guardian personality subself that can promote these traits can be called the Entitled One. S/He usually acts to protect (a) the Shamed Child subself, who feels worthless, powerless, and undeserving; and/or (b) the Guilty Child who feels timid, self-doubtful, and anxious about daring to assert opinions, needs, and personal rights and boundaries.
About Being "Shame-Based"
Typical people raised in low-nurturance childhoods seem to bear two to six psy-chological wounds. The wound of excessive shame (feeling worthless, inept, and unlovable) is so painful, typical Grown Wounded Children (GWCs) develop a variety of defenses against it - e.g. reality distortion, distraction, projection ("You're worth-less, not me!"), repression (numbing), and self-medication. They may appear so-cially self confidant and self-respecting, but behavioral clues suggest that's a skillful pretense.
The excessive-shame wound seems to be caused by the neglected young child developing a personality subself who carries intense feelings of worthless- ness, unlovability, and self-disgust - the Shamed Child. To soothe and comfort this pow-erful Inner Child, the person also develops some tireless Guardian subselves - like a People Pleaser, Achiever, Perfectionist, Procrastinator, Addict, Magician, Liar-Con, and Competitor. Until the resident wise true Self solidly manages the per-son's personality, these well-intentioned Guardian subselves often control her or his perceptions and actions without their awareness. Such GWCs can be called "shame-based," to distinguish them from other wounded people who are fear-based, excessively guilty, or other.
A high percentage of average divorcing and stepfamily adults appear to be shame-based or fear-based - and don't (want to) know that. This promotes raising wounded descendents. Once admitted, all six wounds can be significantly redu-ced by patient work at personal recovery. One recovery goal becomes helping the Shamed Child to develop genuine self respect, and redirecting the protective Guardian subselves to more helpful personality "jobs" (roles). Here, family Project 1 focuses on identifying and reducing significant false-self wounds.
About "Awareness Bubbles"
Important communications work best when each person intentionally maintains a "bubble" of awareness that includes their and their partner's current feelings + needs + thoughts + reasons for communicating + true-Self symptoms + other relevant factors. Common alternatives are one or both people focusing on only (a) themselves, (b) only the other person, or (c) neither person - e.g. someone else, the past, or the future.
Awareness and metatalk skills will help you develop the habit of keeping "two-person" awareness bubbles. Are you aware of your and other family-members' bubbles in impor-tant communications yet?
exercise / more detail / close
more detail / slides / Q&A / example / skeptical? / exercise / close
tt
