What about your siblings? What if they Needed the hugging? Did you ever see anything amiss with your parents and the other siblings?
Good point Izzy.
I am trying to remember, because of the age difference between my siblings and myself I did not grow up with them ( so thankful).
I only have one or two brief memories of them in the house before they got married. 18 and 15 years older than me.
So in my younger years I saw them as young parents.
My two other older brothers are 10 and 6 years older than me. So I do have more memories of them. All normal stuff, boys being busy, sports, friends etc.
My mother told me a story once about when my brother left for school, I believe high school and he did not give her a kiss on the cheek as he did everyday. She said she walked to the door watching him walk down the street and a tears ran down her face.
I loved that story because that was her, in her quiet way she felt the hurt of a mothers heart. I empathize with that moment. As a teen I thought it was cute, as a parent I find it very painful.
As much as I have my beef with my siblings I can honestly say they loved my parents and new they were very blessed. Before my dad passed away we were together as a family all the time. My parents were always thrilled to have any of us visiting. Of course I was home longer, so I felt a bit of an only child with siblings that visited and left.
My mother would kiss us on the cheek but I don't remember bear hugs from her. When we were toddlers I remember in pictures she always had us in her arms, also giving kisses. I remember when we left the house she would hold me and my baby brothers hand as we walked down the walk.
She lost her youngest son when he was 6 years old, I was 8.
My mother told me when I was married (she waited a long time to tell me this) that my little brother never slept in his bed, always climbed in with them longer than any other of the kids ever did.
I don't remember this, but I am glad for all of them, that he needed their comfort and they had the joy of of comforting their little boy........ never knowing how precious that time would be.
I believe my baby brother got lots of attention and physically and emotionally. I wonder if my mother held her pain in after her loss and was not available to gush physically over us? Or maybe after a certain age she stopped the hugging. I don't know if some of her ways had to do with her loss.
Whats odd is we are all (siblings) very affectionate with our children, even into adulthood. As adults we do give eachother a hug and kiss.
Funny thought I do remember my oldest sister telling me she doesn't kiss or hug her oldest daughter anymore because she (daughter) cringed for years so she said she finally stopped but says she misses it.
Since I was physically abused as a child (parents never new) I may of appreciated the physical space more. I might of pushed her away from habit of fear if she was in my physical space. So actually it worked very well for me.
My sisters always bragged how lucky they were, how their friends always loved my parents and were jealous of how wonderful they were compared to their home life. Sounds rude to me, but very familiar behaviour.
What was unhealthy was the relationships between ourselves (siblings) parents never in the mix of all the ugliness.
Maybe they didn't receive the hugs they needed, I don't know and they have never said anything. Was she more affectionate in her younger years? Or less affectionate?
Could this be a piece of the puzzle? I wonder.
Thank you Izzy, very thought provoking.
[u
]My eldest sister sent a one line email last year " Sorry to hear of your broken leg" and nothing since. Do you find that odd?
My brother will acknowledge a broken leg or my birthday! Once a year as well! Odd!
Yes very odd, but not shocked sad to say. The N sister never emails now and the only contact is with my younger sister, but I still have an issue of 'trust' with her and watch what I say.
My middle N has stopped emails also for no reason that I know of.Isn't it very hard to have contact with a sibling and be on guard? It stinks not to have someone you can completely trust and just be yourself and let any and all out, the good bad and the ugly. At least I wish I had that with one of them. I think I have let go of that wish as I have gotten older.
Any of this familiar with you and your N siblings?
[/u] YES!
that I had and one sister to me is an N--a bully, and it began very young. She could have taken her growing years different from the rest
Izzy this could be quite possible, you have me wondering the same thing. Very insightful.----but now that I think, she was the only one I visted as much as I did, as she was closer, geographically. I've indcated that the others might have things in their marriages that I don't know about, because of the lack of contact, because of distance.....geographically.
Izzy did you ever share any healthy relations with her? Do you miss her now?Izzy thanks for asking me the questions you did. I find myself realizing their could be more reasons than I origanally thought why we are so different. ox seasons
