A startling realization just came to me

[Izzy_*now*]

When I was away from my daughter for that year in hospital, I could have telephoned her every day!

What an idiot I was just because my family was so (toxic--I didn't know then) unapproachable and to interfere with their households would have been unwelcome.................even though I had a telephone, I never thought of it, as I never telephoned them before.

OMG! I am sick about its not crossing my mind because of them

I wrote to her regularly but where was my Voice to her?

Oh how awful to realize this,.... that no matter, I ought to have felt entitled to telephone her.... and imagine it not crossing my mind for fear of them.

I feel that is unforgivable!

Izzy

[ann3]

Izz,

Don't beat yourself up.

What I have learned is that when we are living in N fog, we do not see that there are alternatives.  when we are living in N fog, our thinking and our vision is limited due to the trauma we suffered by being subjected to unhealthy N foos.

Maybe send D an email saying that the phone never occured to you and you feel badly about that.

Also, you yourself were traumatized by the accident and had no psyc counseling, so you weren't thinking clearly.

So, let yourself off the hook.   You are not the same person you were.

w/love,
ann

[Izzy_*now*]

Thank you ann,

I just emailed my daughter with this revelation and came back to add it to my message.

I know you are right and I expect she will understand, being she had an N husband (now ex), who screwed with her thoughts as well.

This, to me, is more evidence that my family "ruled my thoughts' out of fear! And startling because that was 39 years, 3 mos ago, and just became a realization----as opposed to a memory---from being hardwired?

Izzy

[ann3]

This, to me, is more evidence that my family "ruled my thoughts' out of fear! And startling because that was 39 years, 3 mos ago, and just became a realization----as opposed to a memory---from being hardwired?

Yes, Izz.  The damage done by our FOOs is reaaaaaaaaaally long term.  But, we're working now to heal.

Your revelation shows you're healing.  Suddenly, we make connections & that shows we're healing.

w/love,
ann

[debkor]

Hey Iz,

It's just the way your family functioned.  You functioned differently as an adult, young adult.   You were always independent and took care of your needs, finances, raising a daughter.  I seen you write about how you *learned* somethings, like to work with her for school through your own thoughts, worries,  I can't read? and being frightened on your first day of school.....So yes, Iz, you did try to enter your child's world, not her yours. 

Then this accident/this trauma...and after being so independent, working, living, raising your daughter...you now are fighting for life, healing, recovering and your D had to be taken care of by your family, sister. 
So you wrote to her...and the thought now and not then...of what about the Phone?  What was I thinking?   You were thinking of your *family functioning* how you functioned as a family back then.   You were still entering your D's world and at the same time respecting the not entering of the *family/sisters world*  where your D was out of ..sounds crazy..but respect?  It's just the way the family functioned?  Acknowledge, sorrow, and we must go on...everyone gets quiet...keeps taking care of business...
So you kind of was doing both..entering and not entering..the best way you could?  For Fear of not knowing how to? Maybe no on knew how to enter each others.  I don't know Izzy.  I'm just thinking and talking outloud.

You know Izzy like we spoke of generational...not that they did not care...it was ..survival..You know what I mean?  You weren't sure how to enter..your sure, was letters...To your D....

Lets not forget Iz, you were also hardwired to Heal, fix and move on....exactly what you did...Oh Izzy, you had such a Trauma...you both did.

We all don't do everything right...we make mistakes...but not intentional...there is the difference...

Don't be so hard on yourself. Forgive yourself.  We as parents do not always do everything right...and don't know why we don't do some things untill much later on and then say, OMG...did you..I'm sorry..I didn't know.......but you kept yourself in your D's life.  Even if it was through letters. 
FORGIVE YOURSELF

Love
Deb

[teartracks]

Dearest Iz,

(((((((((((((((((Dearest, dearest Iz.)))))))))))))))))))

Talk it through with your daughter as you're able.  My daughter and I continue to talk about everything.  If we had not, our relationship could have dissipated long ago.  We just keep talking, and things keep getting better and better because of it.

Love,

tt



   

[gratitude28]

Izzy,
we do what we learn to do. And all of us are still learning how to deal with people normally. You couldn't think outside of what you knew. I think it is great that you told your daughter that you wish you had thought to call her. I think the two of you will have a great opportunity to understand one another as you share these realizations.
Love, Beth

[lighter]

You had a bit on your plate, Izz.

I wish your family had thought to comfort your child....  with her mother's voice.

Or comforted you with hers: (

So sorry, dear Izzy.

Light

[Izzy_*now*]

Thanks all

My daughter wrote:

you know, the thought's never occurred to me either, and therefore it does not feel like a hurt.  In fact, as I try to think back to what I believed when I was a kid, it occurs to me that a long distance call was not something that someone made daily or even weekly.  Perhaps that's why it never occurred to me.
 
so, don't give it another thought.  I don't.

Well I guess every day would be a nuisance, but once a week? 2 weeks? But if she means , as an adult it never occurred to her, then all is fine!

Izzy

[lighter]

Did her comments bring any comfort to you?

Lighter

[Hopalong]

I love her response, Izz...

she's saying...Mom, I don't want you to feel badly or punish yourself. There was no crime!

that was a loving answer.

xxoo
Hops

[Izzy_*now*]

Hi lighter

Yes I did feel good after she replied. I like all her emails now.

and thank you Hops

It's nice that she wrote right back so I wouldn't stew about anything.
The past has passed now.

Love both
Izzy

[teartracks]

(((((((((((((((((Iz and daughter)))))))))))))))))))

You're beautiful!

Love,

tt

[Izzy_*now*]

99999999999999999999999  teartracks 999999999999999999999999
oh
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((  teartracks )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Thank you
Izzy

[Gaining Strength]

I haven't written here before.  When I first read your "realization" I tuned into the pain of it and had to go away.  Even now I have only read the last few posts, enough to know that your daughter never thought about it.  Thanks for that.  I don't think it was possible for you to think of it Izzy.  You were consumed with healing - if not consciously then unconsciously and your body and mind were extremely stressed.  A brain under stress does not function in the same form as a non-stressed brain.  It is not a rational brain.  You can't judge yourself on that.  You had way to little support.  You needed and deserved support and love and encouragement and didn't get it.