For a long, long time... I've been living inside a bubble: the self built on my mom's projections. I fully believed that's who I am & I would sock anyone in the nose, who disagreed with me. It was a strange deception I lived with, which afflicted me while providing "safe" cover; disguising my real self.
Last week, our campus had a two-day celebration for the inauguration of our new president. She's young; involved in women's issues and democracy; a political scientist who spent a year or so in Chile learning first-hand about the "disappearing". She knows survivors, those who are silent out of fear. Maya Angelou was the keynote speaker.
Maya spoke about being a light, inspiring each other through caring and education and told many amusing stories that illustrated how this characteristic enriches many people - even unbeknowst to ourselves. How we connect with each other through inspiring and caring for each other. But the most important thing she said (for me) was that this takes courage. Not hero-courage, not force, not throw yourself into the breach type courage. The courage to BE the light... to give what someone needs to fulfill their potential. She said we all stand on the shoulders of all who've come before us... as others will stand on our shoulders.
This type of courage, when I pondered it, is what provided my "pop". The courage to BE my self. To discard the attributes that were projected on me, that disabled me through sabotage, fear, and a belief that the only way I could be "safe" was to always hide myself... and only BE the projection. It's unknown territory - and the discovery process doesn't happen intellectually (at least not yet) - it's happening emotionally. I feel different - in myself. My experience of myself is different.
The "me" that was projected on me was just another of my mom's misunderstandings about people. It was a whole bunch of crap that reflected her own feelings & beliefs about herself. It was EASIER to accept this, pretend to be this, than to deal with her abuse for who I really am. Because that would take courage - and because my spirit was pretty well broken at the time - and through deception, coercion, and her delusions: I took the easy way out. That "easy" way turned out to be a cruel, bleak prison.
The pop wasn't completely sudden. I knew something big had shifted, lifted, changed right after Maya's talk. Didn't know what it was. It's taken most of a week for me to see that "I" am not chained eternally to those projected ideas and feelings about myself. It's been a struggle, too: so many of those projected feelings enlivened, fueled my habits... and it's odd how intense those get, when the freedom from them is within sight. I've been a miserable, neurotic mess packing for the beach, getting here, trying to relax.
Then, yesterday it all stopped; collapsed in on itself in it's own futility. Like a black hole - too much weight, too much gravity. I slept for most of 12 hours. And this morning, it's safe to be me - to want what I want, to feel who I am, to not feel like I must cloak it, hide it, or make it politically correct... because there isn't a blessed thing wrong with who I am. I'm safe: I won't be abused again.
I can go forth and live my life, fight my battles, shine my light - without apology, explanation, or excuses. Without hanging my head, too. I can laugh, love, and play - because if anyone feels pain because of it - that's their problem.
No more bubble; no more disguises; no more roles to play - except those that I choose for myself. Courage is a simple, quiet, unassuming sort of thing. Like the way plants bend toward the light.
