The Pop

[Gaining Strength]

That's really an amazing grieving experience you've shared.  It reflects exactly what I hope to have gone through when either of my parents die.  The grieving of a parent, especially one who never accepted the true parenting responsibilities, is a complicated and indepth process. I admire the way you have been through it.  Thank you for sharing your experience.

[sKePTiKal]

Mostly, I dealt with more anxiety over this travel than I've had about anything - in a long time. Especially about seeing my mother. It was a good opportunity for me to "test" the work I've done the past few years....

... but I was very afraid. Afraid that I wouldn't be able to follow my T's advice and not tell my brother what I'd remembered... afraid that my emotions would erupt and I'd try to hold my mom accountable for things that I'm sure she doesn't remember - or isn't conscious of - about herself. None of that happened. Even though I was totally freaked out about being around her. And except for the lingering traces of long-ago anger, I found myself feeling a mixture of affection, pity, and frustration for and about her, instead.

The whole thing with her following me outside while I smoked is a reader's digest lesson in itself. All about boundaries. All about my need to more firmly enforce them with her - and if her feelings are hurt by this; if she can't understand - it's not my problem. I'm not being unfair, mean, or anything else she might want to guilt me with. She is the one who doesn't respect boundaries and doesn't understand emotions or how people process them. No one else pushed me like she did. And it's funny: I noticed the rise in resentment coincided with my using smoking as a means to "escape" her... like I resented having to resort to this noxious habit (wasn't exactly craving one at that moment)... just to be allowed a few minutes of time to myself.

That's a big link, I think. I'm reading Alan Carr's book - the "easyway to quit smoking". He talks about the brainwashing involved in smoking... and that connects with my own experience of brainwashing. It's interesting that he encourages one to smoke while reading the book... I'll let you know if I finish it and really do quit!

[Gaining Strength]

Your work on the resentment you felt concerning the smoking is very interesting to me.  I am learning that it is precisely my resentment that keeps me locked in to people and stuff.  I noticed that I resented fixing dinner the other night.  It actually was quite a revelation. 

I have just had my eyes opened to a whole other issue that has been in my way and it is a resentment about some responsibilities like cooking dinner (not providing dinner).  Not sure what that is about but something from my childhood.  Anyway, my point is that I am spending more time plunging the depths of areas of resentment as I believe they are a big clue to powerlessness for me.

[sKePTiKal]

LOL!! I'm laughing with you, not at you, dear...

I have resentment about fixing dinner, too. I was the main cook in my FOO, and through 4 kids and 2 husbands. Hubby #3 cooks very well - when I can persuade him to cook. The running joke in our house, is that we need a mommy to give us "after school" snacks and fix us dinner.

And I think that's the core of my resentment about cooking - that need to walk into home and be taken care of. When I'm relaxed, no time pressure, no fatigue at the end of the day - I enjoy cooking. I'm a fairly accomplished baker. Have been trying to see dinner time, as an opportunity for self-care and creativity; to try to work my way through it. It helps, that my hubby does his part most of the time - we work in the kitchen together. Maybe your son's old enough to start helping - so it'll become a shared time instead of a chore. My daughter & I used to connect, while cooking together when she lived at home.

Then, too, I believe that the quality of attention and care put into the meal actually creates additional "nourishment" - not so much physical, but metaphysical. So when I just nuke something out of hunger - it's empty calories in more ways than one and doesn't really satisfy the need to "have a meal"... the reconnection and enjoyment of coming home and sharing food. It's an area I really still need to work on.