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Help? Severing ties? N-dad troubles in the present day.

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ListNewbie:
Thanks for sharing your story, s. This was especially helpful to me:


--- Quote --- I don't miss the stuff but I am mourning the loss, especially of the relationship I thought I had with my n-sis. I still love her very much and I am having a hard time accepting that I probably won't see any great change in her behaviour.
--- End quote ---


I think one of the problems I'm having is that I *do* love my n-dad. There's nothing in our present day contact that I'd miss, but there's the history of how I used to see him. Although I don't hope anymore that he'll change, I still hold some slim tendril of hope that he's not utterly devoid of feeling for myself and my brother. He, unlike many of the N-parents the other folks on the board had experience with, invested his nar behaviours in looking psychologically perfect and spiritually saintly: which means that there were times when he'd say the right things or do the right things. You just couldn't relax into it though: if you went "off script", he couldn't respond empathetically. It's like he learned the hallmark card version of love, and couldn't go beyond that.

Anyway, hearing your process, your struggle, and your bravery helps.

ListNewbie:
Sorry, I just figured out that every time I answer someone, it pops this up to the top of the board again.
 :oops:
I really am a ListNewbie... Sorry!

flower:

--- Quote from: ListNewbie --- It's like he learned the hallmark card version of love, and couldn't go beyond that.
--- End quote ---


Like that description, ListNewbie.  :) It sounds so familiar.

That's okay you can pop your thread up to the top as much as you want. We are all in this together.   :)

Anonymous:
Hi ListNewbie:

Thankyou for your kind words.  I noticed a typo in my post when I wrote about what if your dad had a deadly disease and then:

"Who knows what you or I or anyone else would do? There is much to consider but if it was a ly bug,....."

which should be:  "deadly bug".

The wonders of technology!  I have no idea how I managed to delete part of that word.  Sorry for the confusion.  

Regarding missing your n-dad you wrote:  "...but there's the history of how I used to see him...."

For me, it's that history plus the history of good memories, because there are a few of those too, times when everything seemed ok.

Also you wrote:  "I still hold some slim tendril of hope that he's not utterly devoid of feeling for myself and my brother...."

Thankyou for that.  I have to admit I have the same faint hope.    The info on n's states that n's are unable to love.   If that is true, it makes me feel better knowing I'm not the only one with such a false hope.  I need to work on correcting it, that's for sure, but how do I know what n's do or do not feel?  I guess it doesn't matter (thinking out loud now) does it?

You also wrote:  "...there were times when he'd say the right things or do the right things. You just couldn't relax into it though:..."

Yes.  Those are the memories I'm talking about too, the "right" ones, and yes, I could send her off the deep end, into a real fit, in an instant, by going "off script", as you put it.   As long as I agreed with her stuff and kept me to myself, everything seemed like it was ok, except for those "off script" occasions.

In my case, there weren't as many of those because I tried so hard to just be agreeable and conform to her requirements.  I did that because I know she has been through so much, growing up where we did, and because I love her.  Most of those things aren't as important to me as our relationship and feelings, that's the way I saw it.

In reflecting on that, I see how I allowed her to have so much control and how intolerable it was for her, once I stood up to her, because I was sweating the big stuff.  That caused her outrage--my rebellion.  I blame myself for allowing her such power in the first place, but I am only human.  I only wanted to have a loving relationship with my sister.  I only wanted some kind of closeness with her and I knew that wouldn't happen if I wasted energy arguing over every detail of "the script".  

Your description helps me.  Thanks NL.

s

Anonymous:
For crying OUT loud!  I mean LN.

Sorry about that.

s

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