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Help? Severing ties? N-dad troubles in the present day.

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Looking in:

--- Quote from: ListNewbie --- I'm guessing that the level of my conflict about this issue is why you're saying I'm not ready to sever ties.
--- End quote ---


That's what I meant . A person will know when he/she is ready. The determination should be there.  The old programming by the N will come up to harrass the ex-victim most likely with all kinds of feelings though, but it won't deter him/her from the purpose to hold to the boundaries and the actual enforcement of the boundaries.

bunny:

--- Quote from: ListNewbie ---My most true self says to me: "Get the hell away from this man, for your kid, if not for yourself."
The worried side says to me: "Yup, and then you'll be just as narcissistic."
The worried side is supported by well meaning friends and family, who see breaking ties with family members as self-wounding and somewhat immature.
--- End quote ---


It isn't narcissistic to decide that a severely disturbed and destructive person no longer gets access. It's reasonable. You could never be as narcissistic as him, anyway. He sounds mentally ill. If friends and family see it as self-wounding and immature, hopefully you can tolerate their disapproval.

Re: your aunt. Being a psychologist doesn't make her more knowledgeable about her own brother. She's biased there. And psychologists can be just as nutty and f*ed up as anyone else (often more so). Give her only the credence she deserves and no more. It's a waste of time to convince her of anything. She should have been paying attention a long time ago, and she chose not to. It's okay to keep wishing she'd be convinced but realistically it seems unlikely.

bunny

nassim:
Hi Listnewbie,

you said:

Then, whatever I decide, it will be clean, for me.

ListNewbie.

I've cut off contact. But it will never be clean. You don't have to announce it or anything. You can just decide little by little to decrease contact and maybe do nothing for a long time. Say you've been busy even if you're not. You can be pretty low key about it unless they're in your face alot. Get some technology (for phone, etc.) to help you screen calls and such. I decided one day I'm not Pavlov's doggie and don't have to answer the darn thing if I don't feel like it  :)

Good luck. One thing to keep in mind is that you have to not be afraid to look like the bad guy. You know you're not the bad guy anyway. Let others draw their own conclusions since you don't have any control over what they think anyway.

Nassim

Moonflower:
...

Anonymous:
Hi ListNewbie:

My n-father never expressed a moment of remorse in his entire life.  He wore a suit cutting the grass and even, when he went hunting.  He was very intelligent and behaved in a number of odd ways,  as well as quite violently.  I cut all ties with him for about 11 years before he died.  He was pathalogical and stalked me until the police finally had a little chat with him (back when police were allowed to just stop by and have a chat with a person).
After that, I received sporatic somewhat      , sometimes frightening phone calls, mainly in the middle of the night, and always thought it was just him trying to upset/provoke me.  I kept record but otherwise, did not react.  I never saw him again.

The phone calls continued after my father passed away.
I quit all contact with my n-sis (who sometimes denies there was any abuse in our childhood household--?????) about 3 years ago.  The phone calls have so far stopped, once I moved to a different town, and sent the telephone security people to investigate, after the 1st call at the new house.  They had to agree that this could not just be a coincidence and I don't know what was discovered about who was calling.  I highly suspect it was my n-sis who did this all along but I don't know.

The effect of severing myself from those harmful relationships has been a relief, in many ways.  I don't miss the       stuff but I am mourning the loss, especially of the relationship I thought I had with my n-sis.  I still love her very much and I am having a hard time accepting that I probably won't see any great change in her behaviour.   She sends messages to me through other family members, and is doing a good job of making me look like the bad guy.  I can't be bothered arguing about it all.  I usually let those comments pass by without absorbing them.  I know what is true and what is not and my n-sis does not speak much truth often.

You mention a physicall illness vs. the mental illness your father presents with, and mention that you love him and wouldn't cut him off if he were a quad.   True but if he had a contagious desease that would harm you and your family, would you then?  (Who knows what you or I or anyone else would do?   There is much to consider but if it was a     ly bug, we
would probably all run like hell, right?)

My advice is that if you decide to cut all contact, prepare for the worst and have your plan ready.  The chances are the worst won't happen but if it does, at least you'll be prepared.  What others think isn't important.  It's what is best for you and your family (children) that is priority.   I made a sudden decision to end contact with my n-sis in order save my sanity.  You have the advantage of planning ahead and doing things gradually, if you choose to.  Who knows what thing is best?
It's gradual or cold-turkey n-quitting, I guess.  

I tried setting boundaries and limiting the relationship for a very short time.   That sent my n-sis into a ruthless rage and a destructive rampage.

Hope things work out for the best for you and your family.

s

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