torn

[seasons]

Hi friends,

My oldest N sister I can't seperate from and I know I have to. The latest.....

She calls me in a panic, and tells me her son robbed a bank this summer and turned himself in on his own two months later. She tells me this in a few short minutes because many people will be coming to her home.

WE hang up, my stomach is sick.

Is it true?

I look on line for over an hour finally I find him on most wanted. I am shocked!!!!!!!!!!!!! He is 28 years old on mental disability. Suffers also from Gambling addiction.
I do not know the truth about his disabilities because he was coached before he had tests done by the state to determine if her was able to work.


I decide to call her at 11p.m . to tell her I found him on line in a video, she answers the phone and pretends it's not me, she say hi, sounds really up,  and says, all is well I'll call you back in 10 minutes and hangs up on me as I am trying to quickly tell her what I found.

Now I am thinking the detectives are at her house, why else would she be acting this way. ......... Wrong.... it was her oldest daughter.

She calls me back and told me she lied to her daughter and said I sometimes call late at night and that I didn't know what happened with her son yet. LIE!!!!!!!!!
And that she was going to call me back and tell me.

When she called me earlier her daughter had left for a quick run to the package store to get wine and Baileys for my sister. No people were coming over. LIE!!!!
She didn't tell her daughter she called me and told me, she lied to her daughter about nothing, my niece knows I am the only one she would call.



During this whole mess, she has the audacity to tell me how she tells my niece that I have many (God only knows how many diagnosis I received) anxiety etc. problems. That she is hurt but told her daughter she has great patience with me and that we still love eachother.

My sister actually told me, her daughter said if it was her she would have no patience with me if I were her sister.

O.K. This can't be true??  Her daughter should know the truth, her mother is ill, she has said it herself.

IF it is true, her daughter is a full blown N like her mother.

At this point I am done. I know with all my heart my sister is sick, full blown N, a compulsive liar, sociopath tendencies. When I think I have found space/ more nc wham she needs me again.

I'm sure you can hear my frustration, I did talk with her that night when she called back and thats when she told me about my anxiety problem and her daughters comments that I stated above. I bit my tongue as I so wanted to tell her where to go.

I hung up trying to be a supportive sister and in the middle of a tragedy she still is an N to me.

Now I feel like I am back to square one.
I feel empathy.
Confused about my nephews real diagnosis.
Scared if he is incarcerated.
Scared if he is not punished, would he do it again....is he capable of hurting others or himself......
Sad for my sister, trying to imagine how I would feel in her shoes, if possible.

Next day my sister calls crying  hysterically because her son was held for the weekend until bail was set for Monday.
My sister says how sorry she is, that I have been there all these years, decades really, with her terrible misfortunes. That she has put me through so much and is so sorry.
But that she needs me.
Pleads that I stay by herside.

His next pre trial hearing is next month, then what, I don't know.

I need to separate from her, yet their is always a family emergency to draw me back into her web.

Any thoughts as she has no regard for me, her rudeness, cruelty, slander, and insults are off the charts.

With appreciation, seasons

[Izzy_*now*]

Frankly, seasons,

I would have as little as possible (the best being nothing) to do with that sister.

Instances that you declared are insane, and for you to NOT assert yourself, and straighten out the lies, is cowardly....but...that would be if your sister were not an N.

An N? Well you could assert yourself and point out her lies, and what the truth really is.... until the cows come home...and she will never listen, change and tell the truth.

Double-check on line re her son and see when he went on the Most Wanted list. If it has been 5 years????? then she is letting you know 5 years too late.

Better still, don't do that, as that is prolonging your agony..................... I was making a point there....let it all go...forget and ignore and don't allow anyone to make you sick to your stomach....that is masochism!


Love
Izzy

[seasons]

Frankly, seasons,

I would have as little as possible (the best being nothing) to do with that sister.

Instances that you declared are insane, and for you to NOT assert yourself, and straighten out the lies, is cowardly....but...that would be if your sister were not an N.

An N? Well you could assert yourself and point out her lies, and what the truth really is.... until the cows come home...and she will never listen, change and tell the truth.

Double-check on line re her son and see when he went on the Most Wanted list. If it has been 5 years????? then she is letting you know 5 years too late.

Better still, don't do that, as that is prolonging your agony..................... I was making a point there....let it all go...forget and ignore and don't allow anyone to make you sick to your stomach....that is masochism!


Love
Izzy

Izzy thank you for being frank with me. I appreciate your thoughts on the situation.

Speaking up for myself with her is fruitless. Last time I tried and even mentioned the loss of my dh nephew this summer, she replied I put that into consideration as she was tearing me apart.
The only thing she would hear is my telling her I've had enough of you and slamming the phone.

I am on the verge but then doesn't she win again? Make all of her slander against me look true. Her sister (me) tells her off, when her son may go to prison. I feel like I would be perceived as wicked or evil, falling right into her plan to destroy me.
 I guess thats what I have to get over, others perseption

• .....that is masochism

    Is that what I am?

.I would have as little as possible (the best being nothing) to do with that sister

I needed to hear that from one who understands narcissism.

She is a cancer survivor/remission for 10 years. Has used that as sad as it sounds for her weapon against me. Now this.

I know better, if it were someone else I would say run for your life.

ox seasons   I can do this, she is sick and it is not my fault.






[/list]

[Izzy_*now*]

Hi again, seasons

You are only a masochist if you love being beaten black and blue, physically or mentally.

That's what Ns do---she is beating up your mind with a baseball bat and you smile and say "thank you for paying attention to me."

Okay! That is a little harsh, but does it ring a softer bell than I hit with the bat?

Okay, allow me to get into some one-upmanship here.

...a cancer survivor for 10 years? She ought to be grateful, but is she still talking about the whole 10 years to everyone?
.. me 39 years after a car crash I am still in the 'chair. People see it. Something new happens, I say it here and nowhere else.

Haw Haw Haw I win!

Tell her that if she doesn't stop talking about her cancer, it will come back to haunt her, that she is jinxing herself, for the 15th anniversary of it...... and that is a known fact from a gal you write to on the Net, who knows all these little 'sureties'. like if you believe that you must always put on your right shoe first, you will end up with a broken back and if you sing in bed, you will forever have the voice of Donald Duck (the males will sound like Daisy) for the rest of our life.

I do not want to divulge more of my secrets. I will end now. Kick her to the curb!
Love Izzy

[Hopalong]

My sister actually told me, her daughter said if it was her she would have no patience with me if I were her sister.

That's just MEAN.

Kids, even old kids, will say anything in private to a parent they're trying to show solidarity with. What she did was pass on hurtful gossip. Intended to hurt you, and it did.

And you clearly have love for your nephew, and probably your niece, and in a nutshell, your sister stinks. You got mad just because you're still trying to figure out why the roses smell like methane. When you stop being curious why it makes no sense, you'll move away from the source of hurt.

When my brother came after me it made me very sad for a time that in fracturing my life, he also broke me apart from his wife and kids, whom I have loved and cared about. But after a bit, his attacks were so brutally sabotaging of my emotional health that I had a big sigh and realized...yes, he did break apart what was left of the biofamily.

It's broken in such a way that if I try to pick up the pieces, it will cut me.

Finally, I am pulled all the way back, deep inside. I won't be shocked by his meanness again. And I will be exposed to him no more than is required of me by LAW. Never again.

You know, a sibling is somebody who at one point rented the same motel room. Same sun, same moon, same parking lot. And if they're great, you meet them by the vending machine over and over and get into a nice routine. Playing cards in lawn chairs for a few decades, telling old family yarns.

But if they're not great, you just get back in your VW and peel on outta there.

There are so many roads, Seasons. The moonlight calling. Birds in high currents showing you miracles of wings. Leaves turn color and fall and make humus. Seedlings grow. Streams flow.

Seasons. They turn. They change. They're beautiful.

Sorry for the ramble but sending love,

Hops

[Gaining Strength]

Hops - that is just beautifully written.  You metaphor of shards of glass - OUCH - I can feel it.

Seasons - I know all too well the bitter pain of such sibling cruelty.  I am sorry you are suffering it yet again.  But - as odd as this will sound - I think you have a kind of a gift that your sister is so insensitive as to tell you these things directly.  She makes it clear - there is no hiding.  My brothers have, until June 2007, always talked behind my back.  I never knew what was said except by the effects but it was not nice - that much I know.

My heart is with you. - GS

[sKePTiKal]

Seasons: you can't save that family - or your sister - from themselves. You can't make it better - no matter how she pleads. She will only - if not now, unexpectedly - hurt you again.

Find legitimate for yourself about why you can't be available to her. Make her responsible for her own mess. Protect you SELF.

[seasons]

I know all too well the bitter pain of such sibling cruelty.  I am sorry you are suffering it yet again.  But - as odd as this will sound - I think you have a kind of a gift that your sister is so insensitive as to tell you these things directly.  She makes it clear - there is no hiding.  My brothers have, until June 2007, always talked behind my back.  I never knew what was said except by the effects but it was not nice - that much I know.

GS, I am sorry that you have experienced this kind of pain also. My heart goes out to (((you))).
      Yes, I agree my sister hides know evil thought from me. Sad how someone can be so cruel, actually feels unreal.
       Am I reading correct, that you have separated from them/ distance yourself from their abuse? If so, I am deeply happy that you are in a safer place.
      ((GS)) ox seasons

Seasons: you can't save that family - or your sister - from themselves. You can't make it better - no matter how she pleads. She will only - if not now, unexpectedly - hurt you again.

Find legitimate for yourself about why you can't be available to her. Make her responsible for her own mess. Protect you SELF.

Amber,
              What you have said I know in my head. I have excepted her illness. Yet, I failed when I fell back into my old pattern of being there with care and concern. Like an automatic reflex. What normal people would do for eachother. I know nothing is normal about this relationship.
                I realize she does not want my help. She wants to use and abuse, using this situation to lure me back, not for anything positive but use her venom I am so familiar with.
She is so good at her game. When I think I have figured it out, have read, educated myself, excepted the truth then Wham........she does it again and I fall for it.
Coming here to just let out my frustration, my dissapointment in myself, listening and learning I need to take my own responsibility is a great tool to direct me in the healthy direction.  Thank you for sharing with such honesty. ox seasons

[Gaining Strength]

Am I reading correct, that you have separated from them/ distance yourself from their abuse?

I "see" my father every couple of months but I have ZERO emotional attachment and I see him by bumping into him or when my 7 year old asks to see him. (Our backyard share a boundary, fortunately impenetrable by creek and thorns.) 

I quit having a relationship with my older brother a couple of years ago and then he met and married a charismatic woman a year ago and I reconnected until I received his poison again in August.  (How many times can I learn?) 

I see my mother but have created more "emotional" space and feel much less reaction to her now - thank goodness.  And my oldest brother changed dramatically after a lifetime just over a year ago when my father, then mother were hospitalized all at the same time our other brother was getting married.  Whew - a crazy time!!!!

I expect nothing from any of them and it is at time unbearably lonely but not a damaging as being "in relationship."  It is not an easy transition - and that is such an understatement - it is horrifically painful but I believe that pain comes from actually facing up to the repressed pain of the horrendous hurt they pour out onto our souls.  It is indescribable.

[seasons]

My sister actually told me, her daughter said if it was her she would have no patience with me if I were her sister.

That's just MEAN.

Kids, even old kids, will say anything in private to a parent they're trying to show solidarity with. What she did was pass on hurtful gossip. Intended to hurt you, and it did.

And you clearly have love for your nephew, and probably your niece, and in a nutshell, your sister stinks. You got mad just because you're still trying to figure out why the roses smell like methane. When you stop being curious why it makes no sense, you'll move away from the source of hurt.

When my brother came after me it made me very sad for a time that in fracturing my life, he also broke me apart from his wife and kids, whom I have loved and cared about. But after a bit, his attacks were so brutally sabotaging of my emotional health that I had a big sigh and realized...yes, he did break apart what was left of the biofamily.

It's broken in such a way that if I try to pick up the pieces, it will cut me.

Finally, I am pulled all the way back, deep inside. I won't be shocked by his meanness again. And I will be exposed to him no more than is required of me by LAW. Never again.

You know, a sibling is somebody who at one point rented the same motel room. Same sun, same moon, same parking lot. And if they're great, you meet them by the vending machine over and over and get into a nice routine. Playing cards in lawn chairs for a few decades, telling old family yarns.

But if they're not great, you just get back in your VW and peel on outta there.

There are so many roads, Seasons. The moonlight calling. Birds in high currents showing you miracles of wings. Leaves turn color and fall and make humus. Seedlings grow. Streams flow.

Seasons. They turn. They change. They're beautiful.

Sorry for the ramble but sending love,

Hops
 
 


When you stop being curious why it makes no sense, you'll move away from the source of hurt.

Oh Hops, yes! I can see and feel that in myself. This is so profound, a key to unlock the door to freedom.

Gosh I bore myself just thinking of it all. I am so mad at myself, after all this time, all the information I have seeked out, gathered and absorbed, I still can fall so easily.
I wonder if deep inside, unconsciously, I was trying to find a spec of her that is not narcissistic.
Wouldn't I look more intelligent for falling so many times, if their were a piece of her that is not infected. I wish.


When my brother came after me it made me very sad for a time that in fracturing my life, he also broke me apart from his wife and kids, whom I have loved and cared about. But after a bit, his attacks were so brutally sabotaging of my emotional health that I had a big sigh and realized...yes, he did break apart what was left of the biofamily.

It's broken in such a way that if I try to pick up the pieces, it will cut me.

Hops your words filled with such truths, heart and warmth. Each and every word means so much, I need to read and take it in slowly.

You know, a sibling is somebody who at one point rented the same motel room. Same sun, same moon, same parking lot. And if they're great, you meet them by the vending machine over and over and get into a nice routine. Playing cards in lawn chairs for a few decades, telling old family yarns.

But if they're not great, you just get back in your VW and peel on outta there.

I needed that. Your words are poetry, filled with purity from your heart. I am touched by your generosity.

I feel very ashamed for not making it completely to the otherside, a place of health. I want it so badly.

Your amazingly wonderful, Hops. Truly blessed to know you. ox seasons

[Hopalong]

Aww, Seasons, thanks.
Lifts me up to have the feeling I lifted you a bit. A lot.

One more little thing? Would you trust me w/ a tiny "assignment"?

Go back through your post and notice every instance in which you talked meanly to yourself. Put yourself down.

Y'know? Go look for all the phrases, little or not, where you were doing that.

You can stop it. Just concentrate on that for a while. Steady. Slip, that's okay (not a reason to pile on more!)...just restart.

When you restart something often enough, one day you realize it's working all on its own.

Just humming along in the background, part of how you work.

xo
Hops

[Ami]

Dear Seasons
 I am with you as you struggle in this painful situation. People have given wonderful suggestions. I just want to say that I am rooting for you!    Love   Ami
 

[Ami]

How are you doing, Seasons?  Thinking of you.                Love   Ami

[seasons]

I expect nothing from any of them and it is at time unbearably lonely but not a damaging as being "in relationship."  It is not an easy transition - and that is such an understatement - it is horrifically painful but I believe that pain comes from actually facing up to the repressed pain of the horrendous hurt they pour out onto our souls.  It is indescribable.

(((((GS)))))

Thank you for sharing. As it is amazingly painful, I see an amazing woman who is climbing out of a big dark pit.
Inspiring to me, as I try and find myself. ox seasons