Overcoming

[Gaining Strength]

[With apologies to Overcomer for borrowing this word.]

I came online this morning to write about something helpful that another single mother said to me last night.  When I logged on I found a PM that encouraged me to shift from negative thoughts about my progress to positive thoughts.  So I went to "Today's Hurdles" to write and thought - No - I'm not going to write about hurdles anymore.  I'm going to write about what I have overcome. Let's all write about things we are overcoming!!!! 

My mother decided to give a Halloween party for my son last night. (That meant that I gave a party - which I love to do.)  It was great fun.  We invited 20 and 11 showed up. Perfect number.  I planned some really fun games and had theme food (wine for the mothers).  The boys had a fabulous time (and so did the grownups.)  I was saying to one (single) mother that I am not very organized (I sent some invitations quite late and didn't get somethings thought out until last minute.)  She said, very firmly, "I disagree.  If you were not organized you would not have had these games planned with prizes for each.  The boys have moved from one activity right into another seemlessly.  That takes real organization.  You are just one person doing it all by yourself with no help. You have decorated and prepared food and prepared a series of games for an hour and a half.  You need to look at what you accomplish with absolutely noone to help you.  THAT takes real organization."

I woke up this morning - wanting to get to church for my little boy to sing in the choir.  I was tired, my son has not gotten up yet  - (never slept this late before) and I thought about what Julie said.  I gave myself a break.  Suddenly I feel a real shift.  I have been asking too much of myself.  It began so early in my life when NOTHING that I did or would do would be enough.  That is a very heavy burden to carry throughout a life - nothing you do will be enough.  If nothing I do will be enough - why start?  THAT has been a significant contributor to my paralysis and house woes.  I think this shift will help me in every single way, in every part of my life. 

What are you overcoming?

[Overcomer]

GS:  It is perfectly ok to use my word................that is why I chose it because I was so tired of being a victim.  I wanted to say to my self, "Self?  You are overcoming this!!!" 

A long while ago when my mother again insinuated that "all I do is...................fill in the blank..................not enough for her.............." I realized......all I do?  ALL I DO?  ALL I DO IS GET UP AT THE CRACK OF DAWN.  GET MY KIDS UP.  CLEAN HOUSE.  LAUNDRY.  DRIVE KIDS.  ATTEND FOOTBALL GAMES AND CHEER COMPETITIONS AND GROCERY SHOPPING AND WALLPAPER PEELING AND TAKING MY AUTISTIC TEENAGER TO HER FIRST DANCE!!!  PLUS WORK!!

OK< JUST SO YOU KNOW.......you ARE organized.  You have to be to be a single parent.  Then we beat ourselves up because we are not perfect.  We bought into the lie that our parents perpetrated upon us....................and that is what it is      A LIE!!!!!!!!!!!1

I am overcoming the legacy of being a costar in my mom's show.  I just got the leading role in the Kelly Show!!

[gjazz]

OC: I have a similar issue.  A few days ago I tried to really listen to what I tell myself and the truth is, it's a constant silent tape that runs through my head saying: notgoodenoughnotgoodenoughnotgoodenoughnotgoodenough.  And as you say, it's crippling, because you feel defeated before you even try.  All I ever see are the shortcomings.  So that's what I've been trying to overcome, not very successfully so far, but identifying the goal is the first step I suppose.

[Hopalong]

This thread is like a drink of water.

All 3 of you have nailed, nay battered, nay POUNDED a piece of unawareness I just coincidentally have been honing in on in the last few days.

At the end of the week I was so exhausted I called in sick. I have been working VERY hard at a busy place that has no lunch break (unless we add the time to our day, which I can't do...it's already until 6pm), worrying about my mother (whom I didn't visit this weekend at all, so there Will Be Guilt when I go tomorrow), in terror about my brother, trying to sort out all the financial things, dreading the hearing in December that will likely resolve whether or not I'll lose my home or be forced to have my brother intruding and taking over again, dealing with a vulnerable and sometimes verrrry painful back, supporting my daughter emotionally (we talk almost daily now, and that's a 90% joy, 10% drain) and sometimes financially, falling for and losing The Gardener, and being lonely.

So when I got that tired I spent two days refusing to work. And tonight I told my daughter I was going to take 2 five-minute breaks during the workday to walk around the parking lot to ease my back and such.. and I said to her, like it was a huge discovery: No matter what is happening around me or in my life, My Health Matters.

What stuns me is how long and laborious a process it's been to lead me to that conclusion.

love and thanks,
Hops

[ann3]

Great post, GS.

notgoodenoughnotgoodenoughnotgoodenoughnotgoodenough.  And as you say, it's crippling, because you feel defeated before you even try.  All I ever see are the shortcomings.  So that's what I've been trying to overcome, not very successfully so far, but identifying the goal is the first step I suppose

Gjazz, you said it.  I think if we can overcome this & celebrate what we do do, celebrate our accomplishments, be able to SEE what we do as accomplishments, we'd all feel better & be happier.  Plain & simple.

xoxo,
ann

[CB123]

This is a really important thread, Strength.  I'm so glad you posted it...I imagine that even people who dont respond on the board will be challenged by what you have written here.

I think one of the things that keeps this kind of "I'm no good" thinking alive is that we all are in a constant mode of figuring out Who I Am.  And we think that we we DO is the clue to Who I Am.

If I have a messy house, then I am A Person Who Always Lives in a Messy House.

If I have trouble with organization, I am A Person Who is Unorganized.

If I am late to work, I am A Person is Always Late.

So, every "failure" becomes a brand on my forehead.  Oh, no!  I'm not organized today?  That means I am going to have recognize myself as who I really am: A Person Who Is Unorganized. 

For me, the only way I could break that cycle was to refuse to label myself.  Today I am unorganized.  But it's not who I am.  This weekend, I did not visit my mother (Hopsy), but I am NOT A Person Who Leaves Her Mother in a Nursing Home and Doesnt Visit Regularly. 

I think that the "oh, no!" that we feel when we are unorganized, or over-extended, or struggling with finances, is that we are sucker-punched with the thought that this is who we ARE.  The person we are.  The flawed, unable-to-be-fixed, person.  And all we REALLY are is tired.  Or late.  Or preoccupied.  Just like everybody else.

Is this our black-and-white thinking rearing it's ugly head again?  There are two kinds of people in the world: organized and unorganized.  People who are late or on time.  People who are financially responsible or financially irresponsible.  We desperately want to fit into the "good" category, because to do otherwise is to be in the "bad" category.  We don't allow for a middle ground that says that we are just human beings. 

Anyway, that's the way I have dug myself out of this pit of despair.  I am still incredibly sensitive to what I think OTHER people are thinking about who I am.  I have a long, long way to go...

Love
CB

[Ami]

I think it is so sad that we have such a hard time honoring and valuing ourselves. I think we are all people who should love ourselves and treat ourselves with kindness.
 It is a distortion how we see ourselves.
  Ami

[sKePTiKal]

GS - this revelation is what I was trying to express in the "courage" posts... that if we have the courage to see the possibilities, the positives in us and our life, then those completely enable and empower us to deal quickly, effectively, and most significantly - ONCE AND FOR ALL - with the things we've identified as our inner "issues" or "struggles".

It also lets us see that we are NOT what we were told we were; or what we believed we were... due to the horrible circumstances of our childhood. I've been revisiting the book, "Surviving the borderline parent" again. And one of the things that hit home this morning, is that our awful childhoods have helped us become strong, sensitive and empathetic, and able to overcome - more easily - the usual struggles of life; though we often don't recognize it ourselves. I went looking for stuff on self-sabotage - and while there wasn't a specific chapter anywhere dealing with it... the whole book provides a lot of important information and reminders. Mine, today, was "Core Beliefs"... just like realizing that you ARE organized, you had a core belief that you weren't. Happy Surprise!

[Gaining Strength]

Judgment - Overcoming judgment.

Here I am.  I have been on this journey all this time to arrive right here - at the final gateway - overcoming judgment.
I have cleared away many obstacles to find this gate that must be transcended.
My father projected on me the judgment from both of his parents.  He selected my unconsciously because I was a female.  He developed misogynistic attitudes because he longed to connect to his father who was a misogynist and because his mother was harsh. 
My mother projected judgment on me because she was afraid of my father and felt beholdened to him so unconsciously echoed his judgment of me.  She was angry about her lot and therefore jealous of the possibility that I might escape the prisons that bound her.  She made sure that would not happen and has reveled in my failings.

I feel the pain of all of that.  I feel the bounds of that judgment but I also get these windows of relief from them and I am focusing on these windows of freedom so that they will grow.  It is precisely the judgment and condemnation that have kept me bound.  I am getting insights of how it feels for that to let go.  It takes extraordinary work to hold on to it.

It is coming very soon.

[Gaining Strength]

I have a fear - each and every day - a fear of moving acting following through on the  tasks at hand - a paralysis - cannot move.

The source - is now clear - it is the judgment and condemnation that was meted out from birth, perhaps conception.  Now I can use my 4 step technique on it and will chose to give myself only a handful of tasks that must be accomplished day by day.

[sKePTiKal]

on a whim, I googled overcoming Judgement... here's what came back from a "spirituality" book review:

To overcome judgement, means practicing forgiveness, which in turn means developing compassion.

Not sure that I'm 100% in agreement with this as a technique for the kind of judgement you're talking about; but I do know that being able to forgive stops "struggles"... and helps foster self-acceptance and compassion. It's a key component for me, in "letting go".

[Gaining Strength]

Another shift - I wrote that last week my therapist showed me that I established a resistance to my father as a survival technique as a child.  That was a powerful revelation at the right time.  Today after I posted here last and began reviewing the 4 step process I was hit, like a bolt of lightening, by the understanding that my father's judgment/condemnation which I encorporated into my very being IS the thing that I resist with all my soul.  I think about the accumulated foot stuff on the stair and cannot even face the vacuum and as that passed through my mind this morning suddenly I saw it.  My father's SILENT judgment, my resistance to do the thing that would remove that judgment = what I have long called paralysis. 

Now I see it solely as my resistant reaction to his judgment.  I can use Dr. Jeffry Scwartz' 4 steps to overcome this now.  I feel free though I expect work will be necessary but already I have been very busy doing things that have been waiting to be done for some time.  I feel that drive kicking in and as of a week or two can harness my anger and rage into drive and determination.  Now I can let go of my fear of paralysis because I have relabeled it "resistance" and finally recognize it as th only power I had over a very powerful father.  Now I can overcome that resistance.  I have waited so long to get here.

I will still have mother stuff to deal with but that will pail in comparison.  I have always known that she had only a small amount of power - all attached to my longing for my mother's love but even as an adolescent I saw through the facade of her so that is not a powerful bind like that of my father.

I feel actually joy for the first time in I don't know how long.  Now I am still in the tunnel but so close to the end that I can see the light reflected on my clothes.  I am near the light and nothing will stop me from reaching it.

[Gaining Strength]

Phoenix - I do agree with that and have been working on that daily.  On another site I was given a "prayer of forgiveness" that I will share here.  The more I did it the more I realized that while I do agree that forgiveness releases the resentment, this particular prayer has some stuff that I simply do not accept and so I won't be doing it anymore.  But I have been using a form of it and inserting my father where it says "anyone" and I believe that has helped release some of the blockage.

Thank you so much for caring enough to look into it.  That means so much to me.  I feel like I am on the verge of joining the human race.  It has been because I feel accepted here and because I have fellow journeymen to walk beside.  The true love I feel for so many here is something to behold - Thanks again - GS

[Hopalong]

YOU are something to behold, ((((((((((((GS)))))))))))))).

To be.
To hold.

You do deserve both.

love
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Now I can let go of my fear of paralysis because I have relabeled it "resistance" and finally recognize it as th only power I had over a very powerful father.  Now I can overcome that resistance.  I have waited so long to get here.

This is it - the way to break the "closed loop"! To stop the infernal constant continuation of the same old patterns. And all you need to do, to "overcome" is to practice choosing another action; emotion. Practice... knowing that some days will be better than others... knowing that you can't ever forget the secret of what kept you trapped so long... knowing that you can "do" from a place that honors your SELF... shows care for yourself... respect for yourself... compassion for yourself.

SPLENDID! I'm doing my happy dance for you, GS...