Having a bad day!

[Gaining Strength]

I am having a bad day.  It is the first whole bad day in such a long time.  A real depression.  I am thankful that this is such a rarity but I wanted to share it with someone.  I am feeling sad that I cannot (have never been able to) call my mother or father for a conversation about something, no anything, in my life.  I feel  that huge sense of aloneness and exhaustion that comes from being a single mother or a mother in a lonely, unsupportive marriage.  I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. 

It is Halloween and I want to be upbeat and looking forward to the celebration for my little one. 

This will pass - and pass soon.  And I will erase this tonight or tomorrow but I just wanted to have someone in my life to share the dark stuff, the down stuff.  Thanks

[gjazz]

I hear you GS.  I woke up this morning to one of my father's hate-filled e-mail screeds, a long list of why I (along with everyone in "my generation," not sure how he defines that) am worthless.  I deleted it after ascertaining the gist so I can't give you the whole scoop.    I can only tell you it ran to many paragraphs.

Hang in there.  Go out tonight and mingle with the other parents while your little one loads up on the sucrose.  Enjoy the costumes and the kid's spirit.   I loved Halloween so much as a child I had nightmares every year I'd missed it.  Hmmm...now that I think about it I still have those nightmares, just not about Halloween!   Clearly I enjoyed being someone else for an evening.  You can too, if you like.  Go out and have fun.

[ann3]

Hi GS,

I know how you feel.  Think it's part of the healing process, where we acknowledge the reality of not having the parents or support we hoped we would have had.  And you're right that the feeling will pass.

Yes, go & enjoy!

xoxo,
ann

[Overcomer]

Well, GS, are you PMSing?  I sometimes cannot deal with life.............it is weird...............my parents are out of town and I kind of miss them......what a change.  I feel freedom, somehow.....

But since I have been on the antidepressants, I really do not feel much of anything.  My drunken h (who was passed out by 642) was ranting and raving about never having sex..............don't want that either......

anyway, hope after trick or treating you will feel better.............

[Gaining Strength]

Thank you all.  After I posted last night.  I finished helping my little one get dressed and we got in the car and I announced to him that I he deserved a mother who was in a great mood for Halloween and that I was going to transform my attitude immediately and I did.  The evening was great fun - for him and for me.  We had 3 events to attend.  A trick-or-treat party at one of his school mates' house, then trick-or-treating and dinner at some family friends (the dad's birthday - we have gone for 6 years) and then an after party at another classmate's home.  All three were fun.

I got a little down driving in between and reminded myself it was that old stuff of feeling left out coming up but that we were not left out last night.  We were included.

Again before I went to sleep I worked to put my mind in a positive place of feeling loved and it made the night and morning much, much better. 

[gratitude28]

Just sending you a huge hug, GS, and lots of love. I totally empathize with your feeling. I was a bit down yesterday too. Maybe because of the holiday??? You are a great mom and a whole person now. And with that, it is great to see you can identify your feelings and realize they will pass.
Love, Beth

[Overcomer]

Yes, GS, sometimes we have to live vicariously through our children.  It is God's way of giving us a DO OVER!!!  I was very happy yesterday as my daughter who is a senior in high school won the state cheerleading competition for their division for the fifth year in a row.  My oldest daughter was part of that as well......I love cheerleading and love to live through them!!

[Gaining Strength]

Your daughter won the state championship five years in a row?  That's incredible!  Great for her!!!  I bet she will miss it next year.  Glad she had such a great experience.

[sKePTiKal]

Hey - WAY TO GO - GS!!!

I know this is all past, now, but I wanted to congratulate you on not letting the old feeling linger & make itself at home. You made a conscious choice - decision - and followed through on it and had a lovely time. That, m'dear - is power.

[Gaining Strength]

Thanks PR - I do believe that is the power.  The more it works the stronger it gets.  Thanks again.

[Overcomer]

Ok GS.............need YOU to prop ME up.............you always see things that I do not see.  So my mom has been back one day and called me and gave me the guilt trip.  What should we tell the staff???  I told her what I thought and who I thought should be in charge and she said she did not agree at all and I told her that is why I am leaving......because we do NOT see eye to eye.....then she gave me the song and dance of........well, we'll see how this all plays out (meaning when I come crawling back to her...........)  Guilt guilt guilt......manipulate, manipulate..................

I was so angry I called my brother and we vented our anger for a good hour.  Then he laughed and basically told me......it is about time you cut the umbilical chord with mom....

Oh, I cannot stand that woman......she pours it on THICK......and I bite......I BITE!!!  She pushes my button and I squirm.....good news is she didn't know she pushed my buttons.....I maintained my cool but when I hung up!!  Pow....I was so angry!!

[Gaining Strength]

She sucked you in by acting like it was no big deal before she went out of town.  SO you are sitting there going about your business thinking everything is smooth and then suddenly - GOTCHA!  She's pulling the guilt trip.

But here's the problem - it's not what she does to you - it's how you react!!!!! 

I do know that this is so hard to get.  But I also know that the day you do get it it will be like an explosion and suddenly you will be bursting with joy and you will be free.

[Overcomer]

My husband and I talked last night and we decided that if she even tries to "control" the situation, I will say, "I am not waiting until the end of the year.....you figure it out."  and leave........I told him I cannot stand eight weeks of her trying to control and manipulate, etc.   She just irks me. 

I thought while she was on vacation she might FINALLY realize where she was in her life and finally let go.  Boy, am I stupid.  To think that she for one minute would admit defeat??  Then my brother told me I need to tell my friends at the store why I left so that when my mom tries to spin it that I am unstable, etc. that I can nip her slander in the bud.....

But why should I have to??  I am leaving because SHE is such a controlling, manipulative person who I simply cannot stand..........it is not that I am unstable it is because SHE is a bitch....excuse my french.....

So even though I hate playing games, I figure I hold the cards here.  I will simply leave immediately if she tries to control me in any way!!!

[sKePTiKal]

Kelly: people have eyes... they see what goes on... EVEN IF they don't see everything, they have already formed their own opinions. What does it matter what they think - or if your mom can persuade them of bald-faced lies?

Your mom - like my mom - is NOT a normal person, is not rational - and appears not CAPABLE of rational thought & normal feelings. These people don't change, don't have epiphanies, don't realize what they do to other people. Many of those employees already have her pegged - but don't feel able to challenge her; don't have enough personal power being dependent on her for their own paycheck. They already know your side - some have probably already seen enough through their own interactions with her.

Do you have to tolerate it because she's your mom? Not one bit.

Draw your boundary in concrete (not sand) and stand proudly on your side of it: no doubt, no remorse or wishing things were different.... no secret hope that "someday" "something" will happen to make things the way you hope-want them to be (normal).

There is no truth to your mom's not-so-subtle implication, that you'll have to "come crawling back". Other people will see your strengths, your experience, your skills - for what they ARE... not for the faulty judgement of your mom. You need not fear that others will see you as she does... or treat you as she does... because not that many people are LIKE her, this way.

[Overcomer]

Thank you, PR......I agree.....I know the employees understand, especially those who have been around for a long time.   Mom is simply an egotistical narcissist who would rather through millions at a sinking business than admit defeat and close the doors.  Or she will try to sell it in some delusional fantasy that anyone would want to buy a business who only made a profit the year I was running it!!!!