Hi Ellie,
Another thought:
reading the part that says they will probably never change was the most depressing moment of my life.
I agree this is a pretty hopeless moment. But like you say, it does help in a way, because then it makes it easier to re-focus on oneself and one's own growth v. continuing making it all about the N, which is just more of the same if you think about it. The expectation of changing one's own behavior is more realistic and empowering.
Seeker
For what it's worth, in my experience, the more I have learned about psychology in general and the way human beings interact with each other, the more peace I have found.
What Seeker said above is very true. The reality is that no one can change anyone else (except by force such as cults, terrorists, dictators). But once I really thought about how much power I actually did have, that is, I could choose how I responded to people who have tried to manipulate or control me or throw me off balance, it really started to put things into perspective for me. I always grew up believing that my parents knew everything and were always correct, and if my perception of something difered from theirs, then I was the one who was wrong...because that was what I'd been taught all those years. Old habits do die hard, but once one steps away from that kind of limiting belief, it opens up doors that previously one might never have imagined.
My entire journey into examining my life and issues was triggered many years ago when a friend refered me to a psychotherapist (as I mentioned in a diferent post). It didn't all hit me at once. Another friend was seeing the same therapist, and this guy hung on her every word and pretty much "assigned" her the responsibility of making him better, which to me doesn't seem very healthy. That friend also discussed his situation with me, and said he was dealing with "narcissistic rage." And as I looked back over our relationship, a lot of things started to add up. I continued to do a lot of reading. I examined a lot of my history and relationships with friends and family, etc. and I found I have tended to be an "N-magnet." Then I realized that tendency of mine started right there in the home with my parents, and I have over the years tried to get them to do some reading or look a little more closely at their lives...but it doesn't do any good, since they claim they believe there is nothing wrong with them. Getting to a point where I can accept that really feels good. Not that I'm happy about it, and when I think about how messed up I have been through a lot of my history, and where a lot of those issues originated, it can be pretty depressing. But the good news is that I am able to make efforts to improve my life and my own attitude and how I relate to other people. The thing that has helped me the most is reading and learning. My family always was pretty isolated, socially, which does not bode well for recovery, since it removes or at least seriously hampers the ability to make comparisons with the way other people function. The best advice I could give anyone sufering with some of these issues would be to make a serious effort to maintain perspective, talk things out with people and read as much as you can. I found Dr. Phil's books to be an enormous help in particular. That may not be everyone's cup of tea, but I was really impressed with this guy's ability to cut to the chase and tell it like it is.
Hope that helps.
