My whole family is riddled with N and coN people - you all know the picture. Anyway, here am I living with my daughter, just the two of us in our house, trying to maintain our boundaries, mainly against my family, but with others too. Not very successfully sometimes.
Then last weekend, one of the neighbours - new people who have been in the area about three months, had a very loud party, on a night when it was so hot we had to have the windows open. Although this house is some way from me, the noise was terrible. I did the adult thing, and when it got to midnight, I wandered across and had a word, and said I did not want to spoil the party, but could they keep the noise down because my daughter was asleep. They were reasonable enough, and said they would, and that they had children themselves. So I came back, and over the next hour and a half the noise got worse and worse. Shouting and screaming, doors banging, much louder music. I couldn't go back again, because they had clearly had a few drinks the first time, and would have had more by then. Brave enough to do that once, I think!
(Once before there was a noisy night like this, with very loud motorbikes revving up outside the house for hours, and making a terrible noise. I did not complain that time, because there was no thumping music.)
I am not very good with boundaries, as I am sure you can all understand, but in the end I got desperate and at half past one I called the police. There was a lovely WPC there, who told me she would report the matter to the 'party patrol'. They phoned fifteen minutes later, and arrived at the house shortly afterwards. They had to observe the party from my house for 15 minutes, and then decide if it was a nuisance. They did that, and decided it was, and that the people would be sent a warning letter, telling them not to do it again, or they would face prosecution.
My daughter and I got to sleep finally way after three o'clock. The shouting and noise continued until after 4.30, according to my next door neighbour. She said there was a fight in the street, but I heard nothing of that.
When I told this neighbour the next day what I had done, she was really pleased. Her husband had been doing the same as me, standing at the window cursing these people, and they were both pleased that the people have been warned against this. His reaction when she told him was; 'Nice one!'
So, finally getting to the point, yesterday my brother was here, and my daugher said, 'what will we do if those people make a noise again tonight, like they did last week?' I replied, 'if they make a noise, we will report them again.'
My brother replied with a kind of noise meaning no, and said, 'you really need to cut them some slack.'
I am left wondering what on earth this means? Am I too intolerant? Am I supposed to allow complete stangers to spoil a whole night's sleep for myself and my daughter, in order to be tolerant or neighbourly? And what of objectivity; the people who came to the house said it was a nuisance, so it is not just me saying this. Why would he protect noisy nuisance neighbours from
me?
This message is more likely to be from Nmum than from my brother, and I am trying to work out what she is saying here. I think the message is that I need to tolerate
her more, and allow her some more space, because of all the close family circle I am the one who curtails her behaviour. I listen to what she says, and if she tells blatant lies I politely correct them. Actually, she tends not to talk when I am there, although she never stops talking when I am not. Funny, that.
A couple of years ago there was a confrontation with mum, when she told me 'I'm supposed to be your mother!', and I replied 'Well, why don't you act like it then?'. She grabbed hold of my arm and pulled me round, and I said 'Let go! Let go of my arm!!' over and over until she did. My aunt was there and saw it all.
Later mum said she 'never touched me'. (She has a language of her own, and what she means is, she didn't hurt me. So to her, what she says is true. But if she is pretending to be human, and to speak English, then I in turn ignore her code, and follow the meaning of the words, to avoid crazy making. In English, what she said is a lie.) I said she did, and that my aunt saw it all. Aunt of course said nothing, just looked unhappy.
Dad eventually tried to make peace. He told me to let mum say what she wants, apologise to her and that it would all blow over in time. I never did apologise. That is what he does to keep the peace. I can't pay that kind of price.
So is she the one who wants some slack? (Hope that isn't slang for something rude!!)
Thanks for listening.
Cathy
