Greetings to all. Like just about everyone else I have ever known, I grew up in a "dysfunctional family" (as if anyone can really define "functional"). Over the last several years, I have been trying to figure out just how in the world I got from "Point A" to where I am today, and how to get from "here" to where I ultimately want to be (wherever that is). I've become very interested in the subject of psychology and I have become quite adept at being able to recognize and identify "personality disorders" and other quirks which I have felt I had observed in people around me (friends, family, co-workers, etc.) but ultimately, my question came back to: where do I fit in to all of this? What is/are my problem(s)? What is it going to take for me to quit falling back on old habits and patterns of self-sabotage? I apologize if this seems rambling and confusing, but I suppose in many ways, it is.
At this point, I would describe myself thusly: I strongly believe in truth, in treating people around me the way I would like to be treated, and doing my best to contribute something positive to the environment around me, in the naive hope that it might get passed along to others and maybe even come back to me eventually (you know, good karma).
Unfortunately, for much of my history, particularly my childhood and my dealings with my immediate family right up to the present time, I feel like I was surrounded by "un-reality." And at this point, what I seek to do is figure it all out and try to make something positive out of it. I know people who blame their parents, boss, significant other, friends, etc., for every problem or obstacle they've ever encountered in their lives. In fact, I know I frequently have tended to do the same thing myself, but I believe this is counter-productive and only serves to perpetuate those problems. I believe in personal accountability and claiming ownership of one's own life and responsibilities, because that's the only way anyone is going to improve their situation. Point all the fingers you want, but it isn't going to make anything better.
I first sought counseling almost a decade ago, and the immediate catalyst (though this was only one of many issues I needed to address at the time) was a particularly painful breakup with a significant other. At the time, I literally lived in the proverbial "parents' basement," from which I eventually "got a life and moved out" (as William Shatner once suggested so eloquently). I talked with some friends, one of whom gave me a phone number for a therapist (and it turned out a lot of my friends and acquaintances had been or were seeing the same therapist). I called this individual and left a message to be called back. She called and talked to my father, who presumed to speak for me (as he tended to do) and told her that I wasn't interested. So I called back and made an appointment, and continued to have weekly or bi-weekly sessions for the next year and a half or so. Even though my parents were very vocally critical of my seeing a therapist, I continued to go. My mother, who has classic narcissistic traits, would say things like "Why are you paying someone, when I could straighten you out for free?" She also frequently claimed that I shouldn't go to a "shrink," since she thought I would have to reveal this information on job applications, etc., as if it were some kind of negative stigma. Though both my parents can be extremely negative and discouraging (in fact, tenaciously so), I managed to stay on course until my therapist more or less "retired" and moved away, but in that time, I believe I didn't really have a handle on what my real issues were and I was at the time still very much in the "victim" mode, failing to see the role I myself had played in a lot of my issues (and I like to believe that I have made a lot of progress in that area in the ensuing years). Our discussions never really progressed beyond a "surface" level and I don't believe I ever really got down to the nitty-gritty of how I'd gotten to the point where I was, how the process actually worked, and more importantly (rather than pointing fingers or calling names), how to break the cycle and move forward into a more positive and fulfilling existence.
After my therapist moved, I really didn't pursue any serious counseling, though in the last couple of years, I did make contact with a psychaitrist who prescribed some medication for me (for symptoms of ADD); my "internal jury" is still out regarding whether or not ADD is a "phantom disorder;" I was told I had this when I was a toddler, and of other people I've known who have been labeled that way, I note a lot of similarities in their family backgrounds and childhoods, but I also can say that since I have been on the medication, I feel more focused and more "together," so it seems it's been doing whatever it's supposed to do, so I won't argue with that. However, I am much more interested in dealing with the reality of my issues rather than trying to escape from everything with drugs, and I'm really not interested in being an "Elvis impersonator," thank you very much.
I have become quite frustrated in sessions with this psychaitrist because any time I have tried to initiate a serious discussion about any real issues, his response is something along the lines of "we have a pill for that," and that's not what I'm looking for. After having spent a year in sessions with a counselor (not a psychaitrist) I feel (as I mentioned earlier) like I never got down to the bare bones of what my actual issues were, but in the years since, I have developed a strong interest in psychology and social issues and I frequently can be found spending long hours at bookstores in the self-help and psychology sections, since that stuff fascinates me. I've gotten to a point where I believe I have a basic understanding of where I'm at, and where I've been, and how I got here. Where I've been having difficulty is in staying focused and moving forward in as positive a way as possible. I have lived on my own for the last six years (having been far too dependent on the family for far too long, which is still an uphill battle), and that has helped me enormously (especially in maintaining perspective, since I can describe my parents as living in an "alternate reality," and I now recognize I once lived there myself; if a twisted misconception is the only reality you've ever known, breaking yourself of it can be quite a challenge). I realize I've been rambling and I haven't gone into a lot of specifics, but I feel I've blabbered on long enough with this, and this post really is just an introduction...but I'll be bringing up some stories later, if anyone's interested...even if it only serves for us to remind each other that we're not crazy and we're not "the only one" who's experienced things like this...
Have a great day!
