Beth----I would like to hear about your relationship with your H?

[Ami]

How do you fight ?
How do your insecurities from YOUR M effect your H?
Do you want him to mother you?
Do you replay FOO patterns and see him as your M or F?
How does that work?
How do you resolve it?
 Your relationship has always been an inspiration to me.
       Ami

[Ami]

I think it is really hard to be in a relationship when you have so many needs ,yourself. I was humilated when I wanted to meet my own needs for  respect, integrity, honor , trusting myself etc.
 So, I looked to the outside to meet them i.e relationships.
    Ami
 

[gratitude28]

Ami,
I only have a second, but will come back to this this evening.
I had huge issues in the beginning, and, of course, did not realize it as I did not know my problems then. I used to accuse him of various things, much in the way my NM did with me. I always wanted to know what "was wrong" is he wasn't jumping for joy over any thing. I definitely had huge insecurities, and I am now still putting them to rest.
Like I said, I will explain more soon, but have to run to get the kids at school.
Love, Beth

[Ami]

If you could talk about the beginning of the relationship,it would help b/c I am there with a person who sounds like your H, a very special person.
 
      Ami

[gratitude28]

Well, as long as you promise not to die of boredom, I will try to remember things and see them from that perspective and from this perspective (and I may confuse them).

The first night I met Rufino was at a bar. I was sitting by myself watching people and he and a friend came over to say hello. I was VERY young, just to explain my actions... We talked about this and that - about the problems in the city, about his work and that he had travelled. I offerred to drive him home (can you imagine??? And I was the most cautious person in the world. But don't be stupid like me - I am just pointing out the nice vibe I got from him). When we were leaving, the girls with his circle of friends all said what a nice guy he was. I did drive him home... and that was it. He tried nothing. He called me for about a month and we finally went to dinner. He never even tried to kiss me - took me home early because he knew I had to work. He was such a gentleman (i thought he was a bit of a dork at the time, but he grew on me fast because of his humor, intelligence and respect for me). When he kissed me the first time, he asked me first if he could - imagine???? So things kind of progressed and then after about half a year or more, we decided to get married. I think I just knew that he was honest, respectful and kind.
Soooo... we both come from dysfunctional backgrounds... there was bound to be some adjustment. I would say it came at about four years of being married. I was a very angry person when it came to my family. And I had great stress whenever I had to be around them or deal with them. He had an alcoholic father who was not very nice during that period, and who was downright awful when they were kids. So we had some patterns that came up - I had a habit of pestering him all the time to tell me what he was thinking. If he wasn't in a mood to chat, I thought he was mad at me. Now I know that men just don't always like to chat - at least not the way we do. But, having had that cue from NM for so long, any silence meant disapproval.

I'll pick this up in a sec... afraid it will get eaten and I will have to start over...

[gratitude28]

H also had some problems with seeing me as simply a person - once we got married, I was a WIFE and that scared and confused him. He had never seen a healthy relationship and did not know how to keep it that way. He treated his mom the way I wanted to be treated - with humor and fun. At some point, I noticed this and said to him that I did not understand why he joked and laughed with her but treated me soberly. So things changed once we could see that.
He caught himself being jealous of some of my successes. I was angry at the time.
I had so many weird cues in my head and so many responses that were not to him, but to my NM.
I think making a committment to each other and not wanting to repeat our parents' mistakes allowed us to see these things and open up to one another.
We have never been cruel intentionally. We "fight fair." We don't bring up past mistakes or misunderstandings. We let things go. We don't count who has done more for whom. I think we have an appreciation now for what each of us puts into the relationship and we both do things to please the other (even if it's something as silly as putting gas in the car - for me- or me taking the dog out for him at night).

I would say the most important lessons I have learned are to:

Notice patterns that come from outside influences.

Be careful of how you talk to the other person when angry (screaming at him inside your head is OK, but wait until you cool down before actually talking about things).

Not bringing up the past (in a bad way).

Doing little things for each other and not expecting payback.


So.... Ami, you said there is someone??? Are you and your husband separated? Do you want to share more?

Love, Beth

[Ami]

Dear Beth,
 It seemed like you grew up with each other rather than ate each other for lunch. You each must have had something,individually, that allowed you to be stable enough to grow, together.You each must have had a little core of health,within each of you  you,on which to build.
  I think I have a little spot of health inside me.
 How do you function, together, on a daily basis?
 Are you kind to each other, generally speaking?
  Do you ever snipe each other ? Do you take your bad moods out on each other? Do you ever feel like you lean on him too much b/c you never had a M to lean on?
 I really appreciate your input ,Beth. It is nice that to see a relationship that works !
       Ami

[gratitude28]

Hey Ami,
Thanks for your kind words.
I was thinking about something I do with H that is related to my NM. I often assume he is "mad at me." This is a really dumb thing - it usually has nothing at all to do with him, but more with some innate fear I have of doing something wrong. Even yesterday, when he took time out of his day AT WAR to call me, I was worried that he didn't talk with me for a long time because maybe I annoyed him. I am sure there are times when I do annoy him, but 95% of the time, it is my own problem - nothing to do with him.
There are a lot more things like this that I am trying to remember to tell you. Things that maybe you will be able to see in yourself.
We don't snipe at each other much. There are rough spots when we might. I have felt very angry with him at times, and he with me. We usually go to separate spaces until we are over the harsh anger. I think neither one of us wants a repeat of what we saw in our families.
I also think that there are longer time periods as you move along in a relationship when the person annoys you, or is just fine for you. I have gone through a longish period where I had a hard time seeing the good in him. But it was a reaction to something I was upset about with me. I got a book then, and read up on relationships, and it helped until the feeling passed.
I think that a relationship that has gone through so much and for such a long time creates a sepcial kind of love that is hard to explain to anyone - much like childbirth is impossible to describe.
I will try to think of more of my habits that are related to my FOO.
Are you doing OK???
Love, Beth

[Ami]

Hey Ami,
Thanks for your kind words.
I was thinking about something I do with H that is related to my NM. I often assume he is "mad at me." This is a really dumb thing - it usually has nothing at all to do with him, but more with some innate fear I have of doing something wrong. Even yesterday, when he took time out of his day AT WAR to call me, I was worried that he didn't talk with me for a long time because maybe I annoyed him. I am sure there are times when I do annoy him, but 95% of the time, it is my own problem - nothing to do with him.
There are a lot more things like this that I am trying to remember to tell you. Things that maybe you will be able to see in yourself.
We don't snipe at each other much. There are rough spots when we might. I have felt very angry with him at times, and he with me. We usually go to separate spaces until we are over the harsh anger. I think neither one of us wants a repeat of what we saw in our families.
I also think that there are longer time periods as you move along in a relationship when the person annoys you, or is just fine for you. I have gone through a longish period where I had a hard time seeing the good in him. But it was a reaction to something I was upset about with me. I got a book then, and read up on relationships, and it helped until the feeling passed.
I think that a relationship that has gone through so much and for such a long time creates a sepcial kind of love that is hard to explain to anyone - much like childbirth is impossible to describe.
I will try to think of more of my habits that are related to my FOO.
Are you doing OK???
Love, Beth

Beth
 I love this post. I do the SAME thing. I always ask "Are you mad at me?"
 I am doing OK.
 I love to hear how you get along with your H.
 Having a deep love that works when we have NM's is an achievement, an accomplishment.
 I think you must have a part of you that is healthy enough to sustain a good relationship,over time.
 I hope I am blessed with enough self  to do that, too.
        Love   Ami

 

[gratitude28]

I think you are and will be. You seem to have learned so much about what "makes you tick." I think the changing point for us is when we can recognize thoughts that are not our own - thoughts that reflect someone else's misplaced feelings projected onto us. That has been the most healing for me.
And I do feel tougher lately. Dealing with my NM, is, as my good friend says, like water off a duck's ass I have been letting it roll off... hope I can keep doing so. She is as awful as always, but somehow I am not internalizing it.
Love, Beth

[Ami]

Dear Beth
 I am really enjoying this thread.
 I hear what you are saying that a key to sanity is recognizing what are your thoughts, old FOO patterns and s/one else's thoughts.
 That is a very important point to a healthy life.
  Thanks for your posts, Beth. I may ask you some questions,in the future if that is OK.       Love  Ami