Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

chocolate and the delete button and Ns lack of remorse

<< < (2/2)

Anonymous:
Wow, as I read these postings it got me a little scared.  My 9 year old daughter is autistic and my mom is narcissitic and my ex-husband has ADD.  So I am surrounded by people with "issues."  But I would have to say that the worse one to deal with to this day is my N mom.  Simply because under no circumstances will she EVER admit that she is wrong.  One time when we were in a heated argument I told her that I wanted her to call a pastor friend of ours (the only person she has ever listened to...) and she said to me "you don't always get what you want."  She refused to call him because she knew he was going to side with me.

I have come to a revelation.  It's time to stop beating my head against the wall.  I will NEVER win.  So I just have to realize that there is no winning and go on with my life in silence around her.  I used to lash out (after I got my nerve after 40 years of control.......)  Now she came into work and asked me if I was going to say something to someone about their nose piercing, I said, NO and then just remained silent.  I am sure it drove her CRAZY!

Anonymous:

--- Quote from: Singer ---Which makes me wonder why I'm here telling tales on them.
--- End quote ---


This isn't telling tales (IMO), it's describing your family's dynamics so that others will understand you; also, so others in similar families won't feel so alone.

bunny

ListNewbie:
My Ndad's life has been about "copying" people's remorse. He will say sorry until he's blue in the face, if he figures it means you'll continue fighting with him: however, he won't admit error. It's always, "I'm sorry that your feelings got hurt ... " but it's never his fault. Somehow, he manages to make an apology into an accusation. If you pursue it, it becomes an issue of how 'misled' and 'immature' you are to have misinterpreted him.

At least in my Ndad's case, remorse isn't there. I finally saw it clearly when he was talking about a childhood pet, a bird, that he "thinks died because he forgot to feed it." When he was about fourteen. I remembered the guilt and lasting remorse I had when I lost a fish due to overfeeding: when I tried to empathise, my dad looked at me as if I were suggesting that tomorrow there would be no gravity. "Why?" he said. "It's just a bird." He has pets sometimes, although he doesn't care for or interact with them: he 'experiments', essentially. (Although not psychopathically - he doesn't go out of his way to cause them pain.) From the dog who he tried to make vegetarian to the bird he tried to teach a mantra to, they are objects to make theories on.

Yet, he's been a vegetarian for my entire life, because animal cruelty is wrong, and he can be moral and moo at people eating a cheeseburger.

Singer:
Hi Again,

EXACTLY what you and Bunny said...


--- Quote from: flower ---
I think we at the board don't think we are innocent of wrong doing.  The difference I see is that we want to grow and change. We share our stories to help one another.
--- End quote ---



--- Quote from: bunny ---
This isn't telling tales (IMO), it's describing your family's dynamics so that others will understand you; also, so others in similar families won't feel so alone.
--- End quote ---


I don't want to hide behind generalities and I hope others won't either. It was the details of peoples' stories here that allowed me to recognize what was going on with my NMother. The refusal to admit wrongdoing, the rage, and even things like the hours of one-sided phone calls.

I did begin to have a problem with writing it down. As my ex-husband used to say, "If you aren't going to do anything about it, then stop talking about it." But if everyone did that, it would still be a nameless problem, a vague sense of something wrong. So I came back, and will continue to come back because it has made such a difference in my outlook to know that I'm not alone and I hope others find that out too.

As you said, we know here that we're not innocent of wrongdoing. I raised my children much the same way I was raised and now I'm looking back and it makes me think I could have done things so much differently. But that's another story and hopefully they'll survive and move on. Hopefully we all will.

I have to go get something chocolate now.

Singer

BlueTopaz:

--- Quote ---On remorse... I have seen my N feel what appears to be remorse. But it is not out of empathy to those he hurt. It is remorse because a moment of honesty damaged his perfect self image.
--- End quote ---


Thanks for that, guest.  It really struck me at heart.  My X-N dating partner would should remorse as well, and I'd never thought about the distinction you've mentioned.  

Very interesting, and much food for thought for me....  

BT

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[*] Previous page