Walking backwards.

[Lupita]

I had a fall down. In church I made a sceene. I cried and yelled to everybody.

What happened is that I am th organist and choir accompaniest in a traditional church where everybody is very old. So, they are good people but they are very picky and jusgemental.
So, they pay me very little, and I go only for the love of playing sacred music.
And they critizice me a lot.
The choir director constantly puts me down.
So, after one year of very well detached, I got to a point, I guess not really well detached as I was thining I was, I exploded. I yelled at the choir director and told her, "You play it". And I left.
Right before the service. During the service I was crying all service.
At the end, one member of the choir came and told me he and his wife loved me and he wanted to take me out fo rlunc. I accepted and cried some more. After that I sent e mail to pastor asking him for a break right after the Christams cantata.

My point is that althoug they are very annoying, I did not act professionally. I did not act as an adult. I was a teen ager. My head was boiling.

Thank God, these people are good and they do not hate me. They did not fire me or anything. They want me to keep playing for them.

Thanks to the Lord for that.

I had a huge step backwards in my growing, but it will be better.

Thnak you so much for listening.

God bless you.

[Ami]

I don't really think it was backwards ,Lupita. You stood up for yourself, even though it was more of an emotional outburst than you wanted. I think it was good.      Ami

[Lupita]

You know something Ami? I think you might be right!

I did not express my problem in the correct way, but the fact that I did not swallow it and suffer inside and I made a sceen it is a step forward.

Next time I have to assert my self in a more mature way.

But you are right, I asserted my self. I protested. And they know I am not wrong.

Thank you for the validation.

[Ami]

Lupita,
 You know ,in movies, when a character has had ALL she can take and  lets  go. That is how I see what you did. In the past, you would not stand up for your own value . You would let people step on you ,forever, and take it all  inside.This time in  some place inside you, you feel that you ARE worth more than abuse.
 I am proud of you, Lupita!                Ami

[debkor]

Hey Lup,

Aw, your pot just boiled over is right.  It happens.  They frustrated and hurt your feelings over and over till the pot boiled over.
Telling them to do it themselves and walking out, so what. 

I don't see backwards either.  I see forward and feeling's not being buried, emotions flowing out of your eyes down your cheeks. 
That Lup is normal.  I see that as growing. I see a huge step forward, You cried!  This had been going on for a long time and just happened to be that day when maybe, everything bothering you, boiled over..not just their nagging...and your tears flowed out.
It happens Lup.  We are human.  Professional or not...We are not machines.  We have feelings.

They also have some things to think about.  I would go over in my head and my heart of pain and my nagging that caused someone else to Cry.  The pressure Cooker...did I cause so much pressure on this person that they boiled over into Tears.  Was I being insensitive to them, etc. 

You acting like A teen ager and not a professional?  Oh I don't know about that Lup.  I have had tears escape least and not when I expected it to.  It's feelings that sometimes are hard to control. 

You were hurt and the tears came.  You are not a machine. You are not made of stone.  Even though you detach sometimes being around people (elder or not) meant or not, annoying or not....we leak out our feelings...

I say better to leak them out then to become hardened from them and fester with those feelings that ARE TRUE hurt feelings...and something that you love and hold so close to you...your music... something you enjoy intensely...

It just boiled over..from trying to stay detached from your emotions (I think).  Try not to suck them in.  They hurt your feelings, they frustrated you, and they may have to take responsibility for hurting you too.  I know I would.  I would have to look deep inside myself to see why and what have I done to make this person feel so upset...What did I take part in...to make this happen.

There are two sides to the street.   

Lup  you seem to worry that if you explode and show emotions and loss of control of them, show you are very hurt, that people will hate you.   

Your not Stone, hon.  Your are so very Human and showing that you are, that is all.  Sometimes we get so caught up into things and so intense that we forget others have such feelings and when they cry...we are reminded...we went to far and possibly hurt them without intentions of doing it...but we do it. 

I think this is what happened with all of you.

At the end, one member of the choir came and told me he and his wife loved me and he wanted to take me out fo rlunc.

Thank God, these people are good and they do not hate me. They did not fire me or anything. They want me to keep playing for them.

You can show emotions have those Tears Flowing and still be loved.....no matter where or when....Your hurt and that is what they acknowledged...not the time or the place.

It's alright Lup.  Cut yourself a break.  It's not backwards. 

Love
Deb






 

[Lupita]

Your answer is so nice, so full of empathy, and sympathy, and so warm!

Thank you so much Deb for such a sweet answer.

God bless you!

You guys are awesome!

[Overcomer]

Lupita:  Here is an observation.........I could be way off base and if I am, I am sorry......but as I have read your posts over the past year or two I notice one recurring theme......and that is that you seem to be surrounded by people who pick on you.  At your last school you could never do anything right.  At this church they are always picking at your playing.  So here is my observation.....either you need to do a better job at picking things to do where the people are not so uneasy to please, or maybe you are hypersensitive.  My guess is you are overly sensitive.  Now, being a daughter of an N I understand this.  We are set up to feel less than and sometimes we exude "victimness."  What I suggest to you is to be the same sweet person you are but put a little pep in your step.  Put your shoulders back and walk in with confidence.  Look them in the eye, shake their hand firmly and act confident.  People take less advantage of a confident person than a defensive one.  Defensive people become easy targets....

My h is defensive and my aunt is defensive.  Take constructive cristicism with a frim..............did you mean to say "this?"  Ask them a question.  Clarifiy.  Don't make excuses.....then you won't blow up after they pick and pick and pick.............get into the criticsm..........when they ask you to play louder......be extreme and play LOUDER!!!  etc. etc.

Does that make sense???  I hope I didn't come off mean, didn't mean to.......

It's like when my mom never had anything good to say to me and finally I exploded..............now she doesn't dare pick at me!!!!

[teartracks]

Dear Lupita,

I personally have never witnessed complete harmony between music director, choir members and musicians in any church.  I'm glad you stood up for yourself, but based on my own experience, I'd say, take it with a grain of salt.  Impetuous people are everywhere, in everything, all the time.  Alas, even in church, maybe especially in church! 

Love,

tt

[Lupita]

OC, thank you for your  response, I respecfully disagree with you, but, I really appreciate the time you took to write and your good intentions. You are a very nice and good person.

TT, thank you for you r imput. You are so deam right. I have never been in a church where things were peaceful. Never!
Pastors are divas, choir directors are divas, and many choir memvers are divas.

But I ma happy that I asserted my self. I did not asserted my self in an appropriate way. But I did assert my self. I was assertive. I will grow up and the next time I will be assertive in a more mature way. But It was better than keep it to my self and go home and cry.

So, they were very nice today with me. Nobody critized me. Nobody.

Now, the lady who is the chair woman of the choir, she is a powerful lady in the church and she is an AH. Selfish B@%tch. But, there is nothing I can do but make her believe that I am OK with that.

Anyway, I am fine. And the day they want me to quit, i will. I do not need that job. I have my school job that is my priority number one. That job I need to keep. Not the church one. the church I do for the music but if it interferes with my capabilities I will leave it. Period.

Thank you fo rlistening.

Love you all.

God bless you.

[lighter]

Lupe.... have you done any research on asserting yourself?

I think making a list of appropriate ways to handle conflict in the future would help you react more calmly.

Glad to hear you're feeling better.

Light

[Lupita]

Hey!!!!!!!!  Light, I am so glad to hear fomr you!

NO, I have not done ay research on thet.

If somebody knows something I would be glad to share it with me.

Love to you all.

[Hopalong]

Hi Lupita,

Will this help?

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/assertive/SR00042

Here's an example from one of your posts, if it's okay:

Aggressive: You p***y.

Assertive: I feel angry when you ___.

You can type in Assertive vs. Aggressive into Google and get a lot of places to go.

Likewise, Boundaries in Relationships would be a good search.

love you,
Hops