heading to court with Nbrother

[sKePTiKal]

Sunday:

today's the day to rest, gentle Hops... take it slow & easy and surround yourself with your friends. Call your daughter. Pamper yourself. You have much to be grateful for, in what transpired - due to your hard work, you know, in finding a way to successfully defend yourself. Time to let all the dust settle, arrange itself in the new pattern and catch your breath.

There's time later to dissect the situation, but overall I'm happily overjoyed for you!

I don't know about you, but one of my biggest fears about the abuse that I suffered was that other people simply wouldn't believe me - they'd believe my abuser(s) instead. Your courage in seeing this court case through, your courage in defending yourself is proof positive for me, that we will be believed and that justice isn't blind and deaf or tilted in favor of those who are acting unfairly or maliciously. Even though the final judgement is some time off, yet. The reality of the situation isn't something your brother could bullshit or twist around in his delusional fantasies of being so powerful. He revealed himself within the reality of the situation to all present, it sounds like.

Pity and compassion don't equal love, for me. Love speaks a language of mutual respect and appreciation of the other. Love boosts the other in positive ways, emotions, and connectedness. Cares about and for the other. (like gennulman's yeoman patience and attendance to your ordeal) Feeling sorry for your brother has to include the fact that he's already rejected love - from anyone. Maybe most importantly, himself. He'll stop at nothing, it looks like, to prop up his delusional image of himself. Don't let your guard down, just yet.

You also revealed yourself, Hops. More courage and maybe the most important kind. You weren't found to be wanting or in need of pity. In need of compassion for your long-suffering patience & forbearance, perhaps!

This is a victory on so many levels... I am so, so, so happy for our Hopsy!

:: doing my happy dance::

[gjazz]

Many years ago my NF got involved in some court action--he was suing someone, as usual, and decided I'd make a good witness for his team.  He told me what needed to be said, I told him I would not lie.  So he tried a little intimidation--put me in a room with a couple of his attorneys with notepads and they asked the questions and I answered them and was never called, and he had his hat handed to him.  To this day I am, of course, the reason he lost.  He's hugely bitter about it.  The fact that there exists an "Ns in the Courtroom" article interests me.  They are so used to beating and badgering and bullying people to get their way, they think a courtroom will be the same.  It's interesting to see pure law and logic operate on those who respect and understand neither, and who have no grasp of the fact that all will be treated equally (one hopes, I realize this is a bigger topic, but for the purposes of this thread) in court, the N (surprise!) will not be God in the eyes of the judge, and they will be seen for who and what they are.  Disturbed, lonely, and pathetic.  Just so glad it all went your way, Hops.  That you can have a little peace of mind now.

[Hopalong]

http://www.healthyplace.com/communities/personality_disorders/narcissism/faq78.html

It's been a pretty intense experience.

So right, Gjazz:

They are so used to beating and badgering and bullying people to get their way, they think a courtroom will be the same.

It's almost like a strange kind of naivete. I think also, it's their habit of manipulation, with the brighter ones. Even the very bright ones get tripped up usually at some point in their lifetimes. Because their thinking and their judgement is off.

My brother, with his disorganized bits of paper and vague innuendoes, keep leaning toward the judge confidentially as though he was talking "man to man" about the "poor messed up sister" and how things "didn't pass the smell test" and it came out nearly incoherent.

I did exactly what my lawyer said, and did not interrupt or react. And what I took from the article in that link was not to look at him. In four hours of testimony, I looked at him once. We were right across a table from each other because the main courtroom was being renovated.

Funnily enough, the judge came into the shop where I have my Saturday job. It was a little awkward but okay!

love and thanks (Amber, too...and so many of you--I was very moved by your joy for me. Thank you, dears. Thank you.)

love to all and more soon, and butt KICKED, Mud...(poor brother--I flip and flop in compassion and fury and I still am very very very clear about the boundary. This guy lied and stole and hurt me, really hurt me...and I still feel sorry for him but I am so relieved he will sooooon I hope be out of my life.)

love
Hops

[Izzy_*now*]

Again Hopsy

I am so happy for you.

Sometimes we just have to say, "No more Ms. Nice Guy". Mine comes from never wanting anyone to hurt as badly as I was as a child.

My assertiveness is picking up nicely, but the gang I have...well everyone is nice enough that there appears to be so little need of it, as far earlier in my life....but I will never become complacent.

I might have posted here before about eye contact.

When a car on a side street is trying to manoever onto your busy street, if you do not make eye contact with the driver, you can just keep driving and let someone else let him in. If you DO make eye contact, you are much more likely to stop and be the one to let him in.

I have tried it and it's makes the situation not cars, but people, to me.

Good for you on the no eye contact. "He was just a n old car trying to nose in, in front of you, expecting you to take pity and stop."

Atta girl

Love
Izzy

[axa]

Hops,

I am so pleased that you have come through this terrible time.  It has been a lesson to me to not give up hope.

Thinking of you with great softness

Axa

P.s. my pjs have little rabbits on them!

[lighter]

I understand that it's appropriate not to contact your SIL and family..... and you're certainly right. 

It makes me very uneasy that he went into court and babbled about having left his family, with the expectation of taking over your home.

Sending continued prayers for your serenity and safety.

Lighter

And Lighter...sad thing is, but necessary...I am not contacting his wife or child right now. I do not want to until things are really resolved, and even then, I have no way of knowing if my conversation with either would be confidential. They've been  under his dominance for a long time, and I don't know how good/bad/volatile/peaceful things are in their home. I think my calling or writing them would possibly agitate their situation.

love,
Hops

[gjazz]

I agree, Hops, it is a strange kind of naivete.  And another example of the strange, dysfunctional ego: the judge is the most powerful person in the room, so of course the judge will align himself with Me, the N, the Important One.  It's so odd.  But I'll bet judges see these people all the time.  These people who aren't used to demanding of themselves what they demand of others.  So they have stacks of papers all disorganized and/or irrelevant.  They thought all they'd have to do is demand, project, bully, insinuate---hey, it works with the wife/husband and kids.  It took me a long time to realize that emotion, not logic or thought, drives everything my NF does.  He SEEMS bright, logical and thoughtful, because he is, but those things are a means to an end, and the end is always rooted in confused, bizarre needs to control, hurt, blame, others in some unending, useless attempt to rid himself of those same feelings.  You can feel compassion for your brother.  But you can't heal him.  Only he can.

[sea storm]

Dear Hops,

I am so happy for you. Happy that you see your brother so clearly and dont feel so afraid of him and happy that you see how misguided and disturbed he is.  How wonderful that you had the Judge on your side and everyone could witness how puny and pathetic his attempts at ruining you were.

You are such a good and dear person.  From now on it will be easier.

Lots of love,
Sea storm