GS - I really understand what you've expressed. Each one of the 3 nutrients: competence, autonomy, and connectedness rely on and support the others. Like a 3-legged stool, if any one of the legs is missing or weak - the stool isn't functional anymore. It tilts, wants to collapse.
I haven't been able to find a linear dependency in these 3 though. In other words, connectedness isn't proportionately affected by just competence or autonomy, in some sort of recipe or equation. Rather, I'm seeing that all three are necessary simultaneously and that perhaps the TYPE of competence, autonomy & connectedness is more important than the amount. It's clear to me, that for connectedness to occur - all involved need a level of autonomy (boundary of "me" - "you")... and some competence at expressing oneself. It seems a paradox - but isn't - that in order to feel connected, one must first be clear on the separateness of autonomy. How can I be connecting with you, if I don't accept... don't acknowledge... that we are two people completely independent of each other? That we have our own thoughts, feelings, lives, looks?
That seems to be a prerequisite to me, to being able to say - I understand what you've expressed here. But it hasn't always been that easy for me. The weak leg on my stool, was not allowing myself connectedness... because I didn't have a sense of either my own autonomous boundaries... or through my very negative attitude about my competence. Seems like a closed loop system, doesn't it? With lonliness & isolation reinforcing my negative (and incorrect) beliefs about my own abilities and worthiness of a relationship with anyone... so I'd do just about anything - including sacrificing my basic boundary of self-determination - for that feeling of connectedness. In a way, it was cognitive dissonance that helped me glue those 3 legs back on the stool in the proper orientation.
Had to go look it up, again: cognitive dissonance (wikipedia's version) is an uncomfortable feeling caused by holding 2 contradictory ideas simultaneously - including attitudes, beliefs and
awareness of one own's behavior. (emphasis, mine)
Cognitive dissonance is at play, when one is being gaslighted. I knew what had happened to me, despite all the various ways my mom lied about it, covered it up, made excuses to doctors for my psychosomatic symptoms. I knew it wasn't a good thing to simply "forget" what had happened; I didn't want to; I fought it tooth and nail until finally I gave in so completely to my mother's unrelenting denial - that unwittingly I gave up too much of my boundary of my SELF, for the relief of connectedness. The relief was real, as was the struggle. Even during the long fog of dissociation, I was fighting for the right to my self - my memories, my feelings, my thoughts (what I call the chronology of the trauma) and maybe more importantly,
the right of deserving connection at the same time, as being autonomous. With my mother - it was either/or. If you insisted on being independent, you didn't deserve to feel connected.
She controlled me through denying me my autonomy - not physical freedom. No, I could come/go as I pleased - just leave me a note saying where you are and when you'll be home. At 14. She controlled me through denying me the right of connectedness (just leave me alone...), and competence (can't you do the 1500 things I expect you do; can't you be a parent -of my mom- at 14?? Even though I denied you that right, after the trauma??) and autonomy (you won't remember it right...).
Ah, I love the smell of abuse, in the morning. Damn it.
Been thinking a lot about attachment, lately... usually, we think of all the deficits we have because of a lack of warm, nurturing, healthy attachments (connectedness). For me, it wasn't so much the deficits that were the issue (I found enough to sustain me elsewhere; other people) ... as it was, the NEGATIVE attachment that got in the way. I expected - had learned - that relationships meant giving up my own sense of self; of being everything to/for the other person. I suffered an injury to my self, as a consequence of participating in that kind of negative attachment. Love hurts, in other words. Couldn't be anything BUT that, in a relationship with my mother. The validation through invalidation effect.
So like any sane person, I avoided connectedness... even in my closest relationships. Warily afraid that "it" would happen again... and contributing to the fulfillment of the fear... because I could only see the negative in things and myself. Those were the rules in the negative attachment world. Every ray of sunshine had an evil, black, rotten core that "would gitcha, iffen ya didn't watch out".
And it was proved true, so many times... repeatedly... like chinese water torture.
GS - I'm hungry for news of how you're doing and what you're thinking about these days. Even little mundane daily things. I was so happy to hear you've conquered your upstairs! The technical glitches that have made access to the board more logistically difficult for me, remind me that my connections to you are important to me, also. So feel free to expound on what you're thinking about, regards relatedness. I need to see this from someone else's eyes, experience, and words. Things aren't always so clear, when observing and thinking about oneself, in "splendid" <and that's sarcastic> isolation.
