Author Topic: The wounds I face today  (Read 2248 times)

Gaining Strength

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The wounds I face today
« on: December 08, 2008, 09:45:03 AM »
lMy greatest wounds plague me each and every day.  They can be reduced to two: rejection and "not enough".  But what ever words I use to describe them nothing comes close to conveying the profound pain and that pain leads to indescribable loneliness. 

The rejection is so profound that I expect it whereever I go and in whatever I do. But the "not enough" issue is far more complex for me.  It is tied to my father's perfectionism.  It is not possible to describe it in any meaningful way but in part it is always sourced at his own feelings of inadequacy which he projected onto me and which my mother echoed in her own defensive needs to focus his projection away from her and onto me.  He would demand something be done by me but not give me the resources to accomplish the task and then with a silent, jaw clenched rage begin condemning and raging at me for my inadequacy. (This is where that article about the drs. hit me so hard.)  There was no end and no solace and no place to run to for protection.  It was about things small and large.  And it has truly crippled my life.  The pain of it is indescribable.

 I know that what I need is someone who can just care about the pain of it and who can listen about the mundane, day to day aspects and then offer encouragement. I have so often longed to get that encouragement from my mother.  Oddly enough I have never tried to get it from her because I have always knows she couldn't provide it but none-the-less I have longed for it.


I see myself as doing very well on the healing path.  I have ways to deal with the rejection.  I know what it is and when it happens and have thought processes that I use to help me through them.  They no longer do their great damage unconsciously but have emerged fully into my consciousness.  That part is good but the accompanying pain is still HUGE!!!

But this "not enough" part is still a poison pill.  I am certain that it will not be for long because the progress I have made is enormous.  The "not enough" is the paralysis, the shame, the self-hatred and on and on.  It is the thing that has kept me down and outside of the rest of life for so long and completely immobilized since my husband died.

On the other side of the "not enough" is a very full life that I want to get to now.  It is the life I would have had had I had a loving family.  When I get there I will be able to earn the money that I need to pursue the life I have always wanted.  To be able to purchase the books I love to read, the conveniences that make life easier, the functioning home, the clothes but most of all the travel - the outdoors trips with my son, the gifts I have longed to give family and friends, the simple things that I want to do and cannot without money.  But most of all the expresssion of who I am  and that emcompasses all that I have just listed and more.  That is what is on the other side of "not enough."

lighter

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Re: The wounds I face today
« Reply #1 on: December 08, 2008, 10:19:01 AM »
(((GS)))

Your focus to heal and overcome will certainly keep you on that path.

Lighter

Gaining Strength

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Re: The wounds I face today
« Reply #2 on: December 08, 2008, 12:39:45 PM »
Thanks for your encouragement Lighter.  Encouragement is what has been sorely missing in my life.

gjazz

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Re: The wounds I face today
« Reply #3 on: December 08, 2008, 01:05:18 PM »
I think part of the key to moving on is reaching out, and just writing down what you feel.  And you are doing that, GS.  It's a sign of healing.

teartracks

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Re: The wounds I face today
« Reply #4 on: December 08, 2008, 02:24:04 PM »



Dear GS,

I read your post twice.  I hear your pain.  I feel it.  That you have to bear up under the injustices poured into you by your parents angers me. 

As you know, I have suffered tragedy that came out of nowhere.  Nothing I had experienced before prepared me for what to do next.  I have, and still  wrestled my own demons resulting from childhood abuse.  I was not prepared for that fight either.  Out of it though, it seems reasonable to think that I'd at least be prepared to offer up a truly meaningful, helpful, soothing, even life changing response to you today.  The odd thing is that from both sides of the coin, I felt and feel such a disappointing and depressing sense of inadequacy.  I do want you to know that I hear you. 

This may be a stab in the dark regarding your father, but I'm wondering if he wasn't a bully type way before you came on the scene.  I'm picturing a young man sitting in the highschool cafeteria  or at recess practising and perfecting his craft way before you came on the scene.  By the time you came along, if there had ever been any, his conscience had been seered so completely that he had absolutely no sense of how to treat those he should have loved...you his little girl.  Instead he held his family encapsulated inside his 'bully kingdom'.  I think I'm remembering that your father was an educated, professional who was finally diagnosed a year or so ago with a specific disorder, maybe narcissism?  Sorry, my memory is foggy.

Anyway, in my own shakedown re abuse, when my wounds finally healed enough, it helped to back up and patch together what little I could gather of the history and life experiences of  my abuser.  Theirs was not a pretty story either.   It was years before the deep, abiding pain abated enough that I had the emotional energy to look at what might have caused my abuser's actions.  As I said in a post a month or so ago,  I can't change what was, but I can say unequivocably that it's not all right with me that it happened that way and I don't believe there will be a time when it will be! 
 
I don't recommend it, but I did self therapy.  Even so with the most skilled therapist, I don't think my healing process could have been significantly speeded up.  The kind of healing I needed took time and lots of it. There was a time when I thought the pain I felt might be my lot in life, but something stronger and saner sprung up in me and caused me to pursue healing with a passion.  I'm so glad I did.  GS, the pain you feel is not your lot in life.  You can heal and I know you are working your plan for healing with everything in you.  No one, not even you can expect more of you.  During the times when it feels like you're making no progress, healing quiet and thorough is going on deep inside.  You will get there.  Let it happen, be patient and know that  many here understand the difficulty of your path.  We're walking with you.

tt

PS

The serial bully:

-is a convincing, practised liar and when called to account, will make up anything spontaneously to fit their needs at that moment
-has a Jekyll and Hyde nature - is vile, vicious and vindictive in private, but innocent and charming in front of witnesses; no-one can (or wants to) believe this individual has a vindictive nature - only the current target of the serial bully's aggression sees both sides; whilst the Jekyll side is described as "charming" and convincing enough to deceive personnel, management and a tribunal, the Hyde side is frequently described as "evil"; Hyde is the real person, Jekyll is an act
-excels at deception and should never be underestimated in their capacity to deceive
-uses excessive charm and is always plausible and convincing when peers, superiors or others are present (charm can be used to deceive as well as to cover for lack of empathy)
-is glib, shallow and superficial with plenty of fine words and lots of form - but there's no substance
-is possessed of an exceptional verbal facility and will outmanoeuvre most people in verbal interaction, especially at times of conflict
-is often described as smooth, slippery, slimy, ingratiating, fawning, toadying, obsequious, sycophantic
-relies on mimicry, repetition and regurgitation to convince others that he or she is both a "normal" human being and a tough dynamic manager, as in extolling the virtues of the latest management fads and pouring forth the accompanying jargon
-is unusually skilled in being able to anticipate what people want to hear and then saying it plausibly
-cannot be trusted or relied upon
-fails to fulfil commitments
-is emotionally retarded with an arrested level of emotional development; whilst language and intellect may appear to be that of an adult, the bully displays the emotional age of a five-year-old
-is emotionally immature and emotionally untrustworthy
-exhibits unusual and inappropriate attitudes to sexual matters, sexual behaviour and bodily functions; underneath the charming exterior there are often suspicions or hints of sex discrimination and sexual harassment, perhaps also sexual dysfunction, sexual inadequacy, sexual perversion, sexual violence or sexual abuse
-in a relationship, is incapable of initiating or sustaining intimacy
-holds deep prejudices (eg against the opposite gender, people of a different sexual orientation, other cultures and religious beliefs, foreigners, etc - prejudiced people are unvaryingly unimaginative) but goes to great lengths to keep this prejudicial aspect of their personality secret
-is self-opinionated and displays arrogance, audacity, a superior sense of entitlement and sense of invulnerability and untouchability
-has a deep-seated contempt of clients in contrast to his or her professed compassion
-is a control freak and has a compulsive need to control everyone and everything you say, do, think and believe; for example, will launch an immediate personal attack attempting to restrict what you are permitted to say if you start talking knowledgeably about psychopathic personality or antisocial personality disorder in their presence - but aggressively maintains the right to talk (usually unknowledgeably) about anything they choose; serial bullies despise anyone who enables others to see through their deception and their mask of sanity
-displays a compulsive need to criticise whilst simultaneously refusing to value, praise and acknowledge others, their achievements, or their existence
-shows a lack of joined-up thinking with conversation that doesn't flow and arguments that don't hold water
-flits from topic to topic so that you come away feeling you've never had a proper conversation
-refuses to be specific and never gives a straight answer
-is evasive and has a Houdini-like ability to escape accountability
-undermines and destroys anyone who the bully perceives to be an adversary, a potential threat, or who can see through the bully's mask
-is adept at creating conflict between those who would otherwise collate incriminating information about them
-is quick to discredit and neutralise anyone who can talk knowledgeably about antisocial or sociopathic behaviors
-may pursue a vindictive vendetta against anyone who dares to held them accountable, perhaps using others' resources and contemptuous of the damage caused to other people and organisations in pursuance of the vendetta
-is also quick to belittle, undermine, denigrate and discredit anyone who calls, attempts to call, or might call the bully to account
-gains gratification from denying people what they are entitled to
-is highly manipulative, especially of people's perceptions and emotions (eg guilt)
poisons peoples' minds by manipulating their perceptions
-when called upon to share or address the needs and concerns of others, responds with impatience, irritability and aggression
-is arrogant, haughty, high-handed, and a know-all
-often has an overwhelming, unhealthy and narcissistic attention-seeking need to portray themselves as a wonderful, kind, caring and compassionate person, in contrast to their behaviour and treatment of others; the bully sees nothing wrong with their behavior and chooses to remain oblivious to the discrepancy between how they like to be seen and how they are seen by others
-is spiritually dead although may loudly profess some religious belief or affiliation
-is mean-spirited, officious, and often unbelievably petty
-is mean, stingy, and financially untrustworthy
-is greedy, selfish, a parasite and an emotional vampire
-is always a taker and never a giver
-is convinced of their superiority and has an overbearing belief in their qualities of leadership but cannot distinguish between leadership (maturity, decisiveness, assertiveness, co-operation, trust, integrity) and bullying (immaturity, impulsiveness, aggression, manipulation, distrust, deceitfulness)
often fraudulently claims qualifications, experience, titles, entitlements or affiliations which are ambiguous, misleading, or bogus
-often misses the semantic meaning of language, misinterprets what is said, sometimes wrongly thinking that comments of a satirical, ironic or general negative nature apply to him or herself
knows the words but not the song
-is constantly imposing on others a false reality made up of distortion and fabrication
-sometimes displays a seemingly limitless demonic energy especially when engaged in attention-seeking activities or evasion of accountability and is often a committeeaholic or apparent workaholic
Responsibility

The serial bully appears to lack insight into his or her behaviour and seems to be oblivious to the crassness and inappropriateness thereof; however, it is more likely that the bully knows what they are doing but elects to switch off the moral and ethical considerations by which normal people are bound. If the bully knows what they are doing, they are responsible for their behaviour and thus liable for its consequences to other people. If the bully doesn't know what they are doing, they should be suspended from duty on the grounds of diminished responsibility and the provisions of the Mental Health Act should apply.

tt

PSS  the Mental Health Act should apply.  I believe the Menatal Health Act referred to here is a part of the British system




« Last Edit: December 08, 2008, 03:12:33 PM by teartracks »

sKePTiKal

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Re: The wounds I face today
« Reply #5 on: December 09, 2008, 06:26:04 AM »
I don't know if this will be useful or not... but here goes. I'm going to share how I'm dealing with old/current pain.

In one way pain is a good thing, because if I didn't care about myself, didn't think I was important enough to be treated with respect, decency, caring - then how other people treated me wouldn't hurt, would it?

Yes, it's important to acknowledge and feel the pain - especially if I've avoided it in the past. But once I've done that, I have choices about how I respond to painful interactions and memories. Once I've acknowledged that someone intruded on a basic human boundary and that they've caused me pain, I can spend time and emotional energy on the unfairness, the injustice, the abomination of the other person's behavior to me. I find that keeps me stuck in pain and hopelessness and passivity. Because in reality, I can't change what happened in the past and by continually zooming in on that pain and what can't ever be changed NOW... I'm not allowing myself to feel important enough to change what I can change in the present moment. There's simply only X amount of room in the emotional container, for me. If I'm feeling A, then I'm not feeling B... most of the time.

I can choose to do something else when painful memories or current experiences come up.

I can choose to remember that "it" hurts, because I care about myself. And I can be kind to myself - mother myself - and seek out this interaction from other people, too. I can choose to reaffirm my self... and feel that even though - with memories of experiences that can not be changed now - I can choose another path for myself, no matter how strange it might "feel"... to break the old pattern of zooming in on pain and instead express an emotional/mental "OUCH!!!!" and then find a way to "kiss it and make it better". This doesn't always require an interaction with other people. Even the tiniest, insignificant things can serve this purpose: a cup of tea... a moment of rest... even just a stretch.

The more I can manage that old pain, myself... the more I feel able to interact positively - with better boundaries - with other people. I don't need to "ask" for anything from others... or expect anything... and I'm not giving off painful or fearful "vibes" - which are picked up subconsciously in interactions with people. Because I allow myself to admit the pain, to not let it control ME... and walk away from it into other feelings... I find I'm able to have much better relationships - or at least connections - with all kinds of people - including the ones who've been difficult for me in the past.

And this brings me to the point, where I can see on the horizon - the ability to determine my self - self-determination. Because - for me -
I've found if I allow pain to overwhelm & control me... my thoughts and feelings about myself... I can't "do" anything at all about it and the spiral goes back to where I started. Maybe I've just dealt with it for so long, that I simply take it for granted now... it's like a fact of life that I can't change, run away from, or "fix"... pain exists - sometimes caused by other people; sometimes self-created. Pain isn't BAD: I choose to see that pain means I'm alive, I care about myself, and I'm important to my SELF. But, letting pain take me over is - in general - not useful at all.

But I don't have to choose to feel pain over other feelings. I'm expanding my "repertoire" and working with those other feelings. And the funny thing is - as I do this - I'm finding that things that would've been horribly painful in the past are now minor inconveniences. Like looking through a different kind of lens... the size and impact of things that once appeared close, looming, and huge are now far, faded, and tiny.

Don't know if there's anything in this that might help, GS... I hope so.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

teartracks

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Re: The wounds I face today
« Reply #6 on: December 09, 2008, 02:04:59 PM »




Dear GS,

"In our sleep, pain which cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart until, in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom through the awful grace of God."
Aeschylus

gjazz

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Re: The wounds I face today
« Reply #7 on: December 09, 2008, 03:24:52 PM »
GS: I'd ditto everything PR said here.  Others have not met your needs.  That's not fair.  Kids should have basic needs met, and by basic needs I mean not just food and shelter but emotional, psychological, love.  Maybe, one day, someone will come along who will make that loss obsolete, if such a thing is possible, but until then, the more you meet those needs yourself, the freer you'll be.  I think that's one of the hardest things, because those of us who grew up in such dysfunctional surroundings feel cheated.  We'd like a fair payback, a little consideration for all we've been through, some sort of tradeoff in the present.  And we feel we shouldn't have to provide that for ourselves, because again, that seems (and often is) unfair.  The catch is, providing emotional stability for ourselves is the best thing we can do to free ourselves of the past.  Sometimes I think if I feel joy or just allow myself a period of happiness I'm selling out somehow.  Like maybe doing so constitutes ignoring what has been so destructive in my past.  But....that's not true.  I'm entitled to joy, to (as PR put it) expand the repertoire.  To break the cycle of feeling hopeless and exhausted by it all.

sKePTiKal

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Re: The wounds I face today
« Reply #8 on: December 10, 2008, 07:25:05 AM »
Quote
Sometimes I think if I feel joy or just allow myself a period of happiness I'm selling out somehow.  Like maybe doing so constitutes ignoring what has been so destructive in my past.  But....that's not true.  I'm entitled to joy, to (as PR put it) expand the repertoire.  To break the cycle of feeling hopeless and exhausted by it all.

Wisdom, gjazz! what you wrote contains the essential step (I think): giving oneself permission to feel other things than the feelings associated with what can no longer be undone. Gradually, over time, those other feelings provide another place to look at, think about, and feel about what happened - a place (or a self?) more removed from the sadness, pain and frustration. Gradually, when the old pain or anger or unfairness comes up... those other feelings enable and empower us in some mysterious way... to acknowledge the pain in a: oh - that again way. I think (since it's so hard to KNOW) that these other feelings diminish the power of the old "trap" feelings... so that those old feelings lose their immensity, intensity, and control over one.

It's not like denying or avoiding the old feelings. I find myself still needing to acknowledge them, accept that they are real and now... but that what TT calls the "context" for those feelings are long past. Then using the other feelings in my "bag o' tricks" - my repertoire - and a mental scale of measurement for importance or significance NOW... I can set an internal boundary on the old, routine, reactive emotional habit and then choose to be, do, behave differently.

I really do think our abusive others conditioned, programmed us to accept misery as our only emotional life... simply for the motivation of "misery loves company". When I started to allow myself other activities and feelings, I felt very frightened and guilty and very much a fraud - a fake. It took a lot of practice and a lot of experiences of "nothing bad will happen - nothing bad did happen" because of my permission to be/feel different, to understand that it is true and real - we are entitled to ALL the emotions and developing a balanced emotional life freed me from being trapped in a prison of never-ending pain, anger & frustration. My "real" - not the miserable reality of the abusive other. In a way, the old reality was a form of defensive camoflauge for me...

it was a lot of baby-steps to walk out of that camo-reality. I made mistakes. I was awkward, unsure of myself... I needed a lot of reassurance and encouragement to keep going. Just like a child, you know. But that need was really, really real.

GS: what is on the other side of "now" you - is plenty. Plenty capable, plenty deserving and worthy, plenty YOU. The only limit on the "other side" is limits to your imagination. Getting to the other side requires knowing what you want, allowing yourself to want it and make a plan to get there. You've started your list... you're on your way. Just don't forget all those good feelings you owe yourself, when you take another step closer to your chosen destination. And don't try to take the burden of the old feelings on your journey - you won't need them and they'll slow you down.

We'll be here to cheer your reports of progress!  :D
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

gjazz

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Re: The wounds I face today
« Reply #9 on: December 10, 2008, 11:27:28 AM »
I really do think our abusive others conditioned, programmed us to accept misery as our only emotional life... simply for the motivation of "misery loves company". When I started to allow myself other activities and feelings, I felt very frightened and guilty and very much a fraud - a fake.

Yes, PR!  And when we try to break patterns with our Ns, they will fight and fight to keep those old relationship patterns solid.  It takes some determination and lots of time, at least in my case, it always seems to be an ongoing battle.  I don't know if this will help GS or anyone else, but I have a mantra: "I will not let him make a victim of me...I will not let him make a victim of me...."  Repeat as needed when N cannot be avoided.

Hopalong

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Re: The wounds I face today
« Reply #10 on: December 13, 2008, 12:34:31 AM »
Gjazz, Amber -- staggeringly wise posts. Stunning. And TT.

For me, something like the culmination of 2 years of dialogue here.

Thank you, and I hope so much it helps you, ((((GS))))...

love y'all,

Hops

PS:
YES!!!!
Quote
to break the old pattern of zooming in on pain and instead express an emotional/mental "OUCH!!!!" and then find a way to "kiss it and make it better". This doesn't always require an interaction with other people.
It's like a simple dance step in which you honor your inner child and with grace move straight to honoring your inner mother, your inner mother your OWN inner self mothering YOU.
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."