I cried again----gettin' good at it, 3 times in 9 months.

[Izzy_*now*]

It seems to me, in these 3 score years and 10, allotted to us,  that I will have lived in April, that I recall so little crying on my part. I believe anyone still here will remember, but I will recap.

When I was little, very much so, I now believe that my sensitivity was so high, that to feel the physical and emotional pain and hurt that took place around me was unbearable, so I stunted  many of those feelings and just put them away.

I recall crying for lonely a few times after leaving home and before I met Joe, 1961, as I so wanted someone to love me. That took place 4 years later and we had our daughter 4 years after that. I shed some tears for us when I left him, a few here and there, for her missing her daddy, and a few here and there after the accident, in hospital 1969-70.

I was 52, in 1991, when her then-husband, the N, banned me and I cried, but stopped. Then in 1992 had an all day jag that would be my final cry until last year, 2008, March 30, and I was 68.  The Movie ‘Eight Below’ just tore at my heart and I cried for an hour, from ˝-way through to the end. About 3 months later was “Pay It Forward”, that was worth about a half hour of sobbing, at the end.

Now a 3 hour movie has done it to me, all choked up for 2˝ hours, tearing up and crying 3 times.

I saw this movie before. Before I had begun to work on me and see what I was facing.

Oh the friendships, the loyalty, the good in people, the love, and all this acted so well on screen that I  could feel so much more. This, of course was opposed by evil, but that is our World.

The movie, of all ones I would not have expected, was ‘The Green Mile’, a screen adaptation of a book written by Stephen King.

Can you imagine? 

It received so many nominations (which is something I never took note of before.)

“I want it to be over and done with. I do.
I’m tired, boss.
I’m tired of bein’ on the road, lonely as a sparrow in the rain.
I ’m tired of never havin' me a buddy to be with, to tell me where we was comin’ from, or where we was goin’, an’ why.
I’m tired of people bein’ ugly to each other.
I’m tired of all the pain I feel and hear in the world every day. There’s too much of it.
It’s like pieces of glass in my head, all the time.”…. John Coffey, The Green Mile


Love Izzy

[lighter]

The Green Mile was a very sad movie, Izz.

I can imagine it touched many sad places in your life..... how wrenching to see, the most innocent and vulnerable among us, scapegoated and injured.

Esp when you've been so vulnerable and injured, yourself.

(((Izzy)))  Glad the tears are finally coming.

Lighter
 

[Izzy_*now*]

ah, lighter

....then you understand,.... of course, you would, being you.

How 'out of touch' with feelings I was in not recognizing what I was seeing, when I saw it the first time.

...then I began to wonder, ...1999 the movie was made. I was already here with the N. I did not see it in a theatre, so it would be on TV and I would have had to be alone, so after I left him would be 2002, and when it would have come to TV.

I must still have been in a double shock to not see the empathy, the support, the understanding, the intuiting of another's thoughts, bigotry, lack of bigotry and on and on....after all..... it was a Stephen King idea!! Horror!

Oh No. That screenwriter was magic, as were the actors.

xx
Izzy

[lighter]

It's like the blinder's have come off, ((Izz.))

Light

[Mike25ca]

Emotionally

Pleasure = Anger

Happiness = Sadness


My friend has kids 3 and 4... watching them go 'through the motions' really showed me how the process of life works.. you try something.. you get hurt... 'cry' then you get over it and laugh...

Over the years I learned to stay silent and 'robot' like with my emotions. But seeing this opened me up, I balled for 1 hour straight then immediately I smiled... was kinda cool.   Only problem is when u cry like that you'd like someone to hug... that feeling of no one there.. will stick with me for a while yet. 

Now amongst the other issues I face... i.e. trust issues, voicelessness... seeing how at 25 yrs old my decisions have shaped me up till now hinders certain aspirations.. but slowly you work through it.

The one thing iv learned

If you have a problem with someone's actions or behaviour.....it's because your dependent on them acting a certain way that satisfies a particular idea/ideal in your mind... when in fact if you could provide yourself with the resources..... you'd simply drop whatever that problem is.

If you have confidence issues, self worth issues.. getting a job, girlfriends... having a life... easier to get bitter and depend on these ideals... stop yourself... and learn independence... regardless of the costs..  challenge all your beliefs that may or may not be yours... Socratic is the best method

 

[Ami]

Dear Izzy
 I am glad you are crying. Tears are healing. I still have not really cried after Scott's death. The wound was too deep for tears. People cried at his funeral but I had too much grief to cry and I still do.
 I am waiting for the time when the frozen grief can thaw. I don't know if it will ever happen . I may go to my grave with it.
  Stephen King understands the human soul.            Ami

[Izzy_*now*]

Hi mike

I was surprised to see my older post come up.

You: "I learned to stay silent and 'robot' like with my emotions."
Me: I believe I began very young to recognize whatever was "bad for me" and I dissociated from that emotion. I knew if wasn't good, I knew who made the remark/beat me whatever, and being very sensitive, I turned it off like a light switch.

So many years later I wonder what was wrong and cannot figure it oput and didn't until the last year or two (time goes quickly when you are having fun crying!)

My parents are dead but I have No Contact with 2 sisters and I realize that I don't even miss them. I doubt they miss me and I had moved 2000 miles away from them.

You:  If you have a problem with someone's actions or behaviour.....it's because your dependent on them acting a certain way that satisfies a particular idea/ideal in your mind... when in fact if you could provide yourself with the resources..... you'd simply drop whatever that problem is.

Considering my family, I see that--ok I was not dependant on any of them being a certain way--for me it was, "With which do I have something in common?" i.e. and can I live without them. So I did this and put all toxic people on the "other side of the fence". I am not offended not missing them at all, but have another sister with whom I email and a brother--- they have in them, the ability to at least try to understand and be compassionate, (as I had wanted, but didn't know, all my life)and my sister has experienced much what I did, and we are talking about it now~~ She did not put as much importance on an action, or lack thereof, as I did, as she is less sensitive, is married with kids and grasndkids. Happy! Content!

I suppose I could say I might have depended on parents and 2 sisters to never be straight with me, about me, about themselves, so we "never knew each other". So yes! Great!

Izzy

[Izzy_*now*]

hi Ami
Well I haven't cried since I saw that movie in January, not even when the car hit me. Now here is something to remember. I didn't cry either when Dad was beating me. Turned off the switch.

As frustrating and painful as this has been and still is, I become frustrated and I let out a ....like whine, like .....I'm going to cry, but as Mike says there is no one to hug me and feel sorry for me so why bother crying.

Are you still with husband?

Izzy

[Hopalong]

big tears need big tissues...

for you, Izz:

http://www.christojeanneclaude.net/wt.shtml

love from

Hops

(let it flow...)

[sKePTiKal]

Hey Mike - welcome -

it sounds like you've discovered scripts & roles... and how they're not necessarily YOU at all. Yes, we do have to question our assumptions  - even about ourselves - don't we?

[Ami]

Dear Izzy
 After Scott died, my H truly had a conversion to Jesus. He repented from a true heart about how he had treated me.The abusive behavior stopped.
 He offered to give me a godly divorce,which would be a divorce where we would split everything equally and part as friends.
 Thank you for asking, Izzy.       Ami