Thanks Motherof2.
Yes. In and out of focus.
Is it possible to feel sorry for the worst kind of abuser?
My initial reaction is to reply: Anything is possible.
But then again, not everything is possible either, is it?
Which leads me to the next thing I want to talk about.
The best way to get over the worst kind of abuser I've been thinking about this and I think it's different for everyone (or maybe similar for many of us......I don't know). For me:
I think I had to find and examine and define my wounds. They weren't even clear to me. I felt abused by the worst kind of abuser but couldn't put my finger on it exactly or completely..... until I took the time to look for the scars and that made it all come back.......and allllllll the pain!!! Ouchy! Reliving stuff sucks!!
But it was necessary. Otherwise, I might well have spent my life carrying a bunch of junk I didn't even really understand, which would have caused me a lot more confusing, agrivating grief, in the end eh? I had to not only look and find the damage but express it. Kill the secret. Expose the abuser (even if that was only to a very few others). I had to be a victim for awhile, I think.
I had to feel sorry for myself. Grieve my losses. Give myself permission to feel hurt and used and abused and unfairly treated. It might seem silly but for me, I had to cry my woes and express my sorrow. Sometimes I wonder if I did a good enough job. Because sometimes, stuff comes to the surface and a lump gets stuck in my throat and I want to cry but nothing happens. I just feel a need. But it passes.
I think I had to believe and acknowledge that I was abused, even if no one else in this world could see it. That was really important. It was placing blame (putting the responsibility on my abuser) but hey......it would never happen otherwise. It helped me to lay the weight where it belonged. I felt relieved. I think I was carrying a whole bunch of guilt that wasn't mine. I know I feel much free-er now.
Next.....I had to somehow make up for what was lost/done/the damage. I think I'm still doing that. My abuser will never do it so in order to get over her, I think I have to do it for myself. I can do it too! I learned that!! A little at a time. I'm making up. Building a new life. Getting my serenity back. Feeling happier and more like me (the old me.......I suppose). Soothing myself. Healing.
It's taking a lot longer than I had hoped.
I had to have empathy for myself, in order to heal. I had to stop asking "why?" and "how could she?" and start telling myself "It doesn't matter" and "I will be ok".
It doesn't matter.
It's her loss, in the end.
I'm fine but she's still sick and inhuman, stuck in her lies, still slithering and filling up with joy gained by her evil ways, unable to face the reality of being disordered, unable to budge.
How sad is that?
But I will be ok. Evenually.
The worst part of trying to get over the worst kind of abuser was facing the reality that she is not my friend. She was not trying to help me and she wasn't being nice. She was not trying to do good but rather to cause harm and inject poison. She hurt me on purpose.
I had to spit out the syrup and plug my nose so I couldn't smell the flowers. I had to stop letting her fool me (and maybe those were the first things I had to do.......I think they were, so this is out of order but who cares?). Trying to come to grips with all of that was another piece of being abused. Another loss. More to grieve. It just makes me think it must be easier when there are bite marks and scratches and bruises, even though those are surely deeply painful, they are at least......clear and obvious. There is no doubt about what went on. There's no syrup to clean up. No confusion (or at least, not as much?).
I have more to say but I should probably stop for now.
Sela
