An apology for the last 39+ years.

[Izzy_*now*]

Well! My sister wanted to read my 'Accident File'--a year in the life of me, of 40 years ago JUNE --Just a name (but please tell me if you think that is being .....whatever, as in defining my life? Accident File)  PULEEZE?

She writes flowery, inaccurate fantasies about our family life and asked to see my file. She is a teacher. I just attached, as was, to an email and sent. Then she never replied.

Today I received this from her and have yet to reply.  I am not on the computer long
I just realized that I had never responded to this message.  This is a great document!  You wrote it (in my humble opinion) very well and it is remarkably informative for someone who has never had to do what you have had to do.  Your “plain language” works well.

I regret that my role in your recovery was not more substantial and I have no excuses to offer for, as I have said before, I have little memory of why it didn’t happen.  I suppose we were wrapped up in our own needs at the time for we had no income and were used to “doing without” and I can only guess that not going to visit you was the equivalent of doing without, without thinking of your need to have us come.  We never got to Wes and Sandi’s wedding for that reason.  I do remember caring deeply what happened to you.  I know that I could apologize for the next thirty-nine or so years for the past thirty-nine or so years but it can’t change what I neglected to do, so I can only go forward attempting to be more “there” for other people.

My thank you response to her kind words will include that snail mail cost but a nickel back then and words of comfort or questions, as she's NOW asking about this latest, are what I call taking an interest, showing support, getting involved and now an email will cost her nothing.

You don't have to go easy on her in your replies. I am interested in the file name and how she has now responded about this, included:

but your last break didn’t heal quickly or well, so slow is better than not healing properly. This shows she knows nothing about my lack of pain/pain areas. This is a pain area and I will bet I could still be a slow healer, but that the pain that drags me down on this is still underneath the non-painful breaks....shows lack of knowledge over all these years.

A welcome home for me from her was waiting, when I came home:
If I don’t hear from you soon, I shall start phoning again to see if your did, indeed, get home.  If you are home, how did you get there – taxi?  How are you getting groceries and so on?  Are you in a lot of discomfort?

If I can even turn her around a bit from the prissy little prick, it will be worth it for all her 6 grandchildren's sakes.

Love Izzy


Edit] "Oh my", says I, "Did i really write that?" 

[lighter]

Yikes, Izz.

I read it this way:

Sister, (teacher, really? ) is asking you for details and offering no excuses for her egregious failure to lend the simplest assistance when you truly needed it.

The flowery edit on your family history...... how frustrating is that to take?  I should think you need all your energy for healing right now and..... she's not offering anything helpful in that direction, is she?
 
It's like she's asking to read the details of some high profile tragedy, she missed out on, cause she didn't have to money to purchase STAR magazine that month, due to lack of funds.  So she lost out. 

She doesn't see that she failed you...... that she earned an F and has done nothing to heal it.  Continues to do nothing. 

Equating her lack of presence at the hospital, with missing a wedding?  Very odd response, IMO.

You're patiently extrending yourself to her.... why?

Maybe you'll get answers you've thirsted for near 40 years?

Maybe her Grandchildren will benefit?

You're a wonderful soul, Izzy. 

I'd like to know......

How does she think you got home from the hospital and where does she think your groceries are coming from?

She wants details.... might have to actually make a phone call to get them??  

She doesn't know she's supposed to be one of the people who takes you home....

 and stocks your pantry.

I'm so sorry ((Izz))......

how're you feeling?

 

[Izzy_*now*]

Hi MO2

 I regret that my role in your recovery

It's 40 years ago, and cannot be changed, but she writes family stories in sections the same as I write toward my book, in sections. I happened to mention the Accident File and she asked if she might read it. In it were many references to her failure and this is her apology.

Living 2000 miles apart, she would ask those questions being that she is not around to see what happened. I think this is all she can come up with.....no money. She had my daughter and I was paying her, her 2 girls and mine shared clothing. Money from me would have paid for gas.

See what I posted to Dawning. Sis fits in the, "I will converse with her" and that is why what my daughter has done is also still on the list of "I will converse with her" And I do this to have 2 family contacts, unemotional, and not be the total drop-out! (snob/recluse) In that way, the others have done worse than she (Sis).

Her questions were on a Welcome Home mail awaiting me here. I think she was "digging to see" if JOHN was more in my life than an addle-pated Treasurer.

I am doing fine and having fun with my burlgar alarm. I am tired and will leave for now. I also told sister there would be no more epistles, as there would be only tiime for healing.

I also believe, as off the wall as it sounds, that family was afraid, family was ignorant, family never understood the severity, in spite of Mom in w/ch, but Mom had Dad, and just look at the strength and toughness with which I have dealt with life. Not one of my siblings had had to face hardship, and I doubt could comprehend surviving, if they did, and might even admire me too much, at the risk of being egotisical. Not Ego, Neccessity

Any comprehension?
xx
Izzy

[changing]

Hello Izzy-

Pitiful, pitiful, pitiful!!!
The excuses, the ignorant posturing about your "plain language"- you are smart, savvy, and insightful, and write just like genius revolutionary writer Britt Haddon did         ( except better!!!) Your sis just doesn't know you- you condition, your talents, your desires, your life...that's really the point, anyway...She may be trying to blunder her way back into your life...It is a harsh thing, to look back and see what you might have done, may be too harsh for her to look at head-on...

This feels familiar to me. When I met with my mother as an adult after she abandoned me in my childhood, I got a similar response from her...I would have appreciated just her support and acknowledgement of the truth, nothing messy or Jerry Springerish, but just starting from the mutual stipulation that she did not know me and I did not know her... instead she had to make unfounded judgements, like " I'm not strong like you" ( how would she know???) in order to justify her choices- I think it unnerved her that I was not angry or confrontational. She had not bothered to call or write or visit when I was growing up (and did not provide me with her address)- it would have been easy and inexpensive to do so...But she was not interested in having anything to do with me when I needed her. When I did see her, it was rather like the reunion between an adopted child and an unwilling birth mother...

But at least your sis is reaching out. It is so very hard to say "I'm sorry I failed you... when I look back I wish that I had done better" maybe even harder to think it without one's self-protective mechanisms blurring the painful truth... The woman is CLUELESS about marvelous you!!!

You have come so far Izzy Deer, against so many obstacles... Hope you have a lovely Easter and Mr. Bunny brings you happiness, fun, yummy treats and no rotten eggs like that letter!


Best,

C.

[lighter]

I understand that she (your sister) never learned to do better.....

that she may never learn.

This is the sister that slapped your dear child's face, when she cried for her mama, right?

What kind of teacher must she have been all these years?  ::shudder::

::sending you healing vibes and strength::

You're the swan in a family of ducks.

[changing]

Oh Izzy-

This sister slapped your baby's face ...and you are suffering now from your accident and contending with this subcretinous email of hers...the picture is even worse than I imagined when I first read this topic -I didn't know about all that had happened, including your recent accident, when I first responded in abysmal ignorance. I'm afraid my temper is getting the best of me regarding your mistreatment at sis's hands, so I will just say now that I admire you even more than ever... Please feel better, we want you in fine fettle for your upcoming birthday!
You illustrate the saying about the eagle not being able to fly when she is penned in with a bunch of turkeys; some of these folks who have had the pleasure of your company act as if they have tiny turkey-brains ( I have heard that turkeys are especially stupid birds)...glad you have extricated yourself from their Turkey Mentality Trap and can fly free!

XXOO,

C.

[Hopalong]

I must be very weird but I read genuine contrition in your sister's letter.
Not gracefully put or anything, but I thought she meant it.

I thought she was saying she was just clueless, overwhelmed, pretty darn useless.

I can so understand how bitterly you felt the absence of your daughter after your accident,
and that this sister had her -- rightly or wrongly -- would take heroic forgiveness to...well, to forgive.

I think I hear her saying, I feel helpless to earn your forgiveness, there is nothing RIGHT I can say that will make it all right.

I guess the only thing that could help you have a sister, going forward, if you want her...

is if you truly released the wrong.

I'm not saying you should. Just that I think it's how we work.

Forgiveness is a sticky wicket (I'm signed up for a CLASS because it's so hard)
but I think it gives us peace.

love,
Hops

PS--I think you NEED a sister who will try to help you. Would she try, if she thought you were giving her another chance?

[Izzy_*now*]

Thanks changing
Love it

I can say, for my living alone away from them, "How could this eagle fly, living around you turkeys?" Yep~ That's for the family.

My bed is not made. I lay down a folded cotton sheet, have 3 bed pillows in cases, and 3 smaller pillows for inserting between my knees/thighs for turning/transferring.  I have 2 elastic bandages , one is to wrap around my ankle and pull with one hand, as I push with the other. The other is to stretch wrap the groin area to more firmness in swelling to prevent the pain of transfer.  These are my inventions and work well when alone. I  remove them after the transfer is made and it still huts but not the same as trying to move the leg flappping in the wind........and I have but one old blanket for the top.. one that does not weigh like a bag of cement.

Love
Izzy

Will note here.

No. This is not the one who slapped her face, is the one who had her and kept her from me

[Izzy_*now*]

Very interestin Hops,

I saw it as an apology too when I received it, an apology her way without going into it too much. Ii did however ask for input in case I had her wrong.

I believe she knows I am right and she is wrong...just a blunt statement...there is room for improvemt that might take 100 pages.

You see, she read my Accident file and in it I mention that she brought D only once, that brother came only once, that a girlfriend of 13 years came every week to wash my hair! Some difference eh? Different things like this are interspersed into the file, plainly written and on purpose because of subject matter (Does one say "A golden brown catheter reflected the sun's golden rays. as she walked the sandy beach, and it was gracefully swinging from her thong!)

As with many things, I can forgive, over time, but I cannot forget. You are right. Impossible here! I said something in the file about would have preferred an unsupervised visit.--

PS--I think you NEED a sister who will try to help you. Would she try, if she thought you were giving her another chance?

She might if we were closer geographically, but is certainly the only one I would ask for assistance, and accept. However her life just now is built around her work and her 6 g'kids, and I'm not down and out yet!

If I can even turn her around a bit from the prissy little prick, it will be worth it for all her 6 grandchildren's sakes

I wrote this, as I truly mean that I might find a redeeming quality in one of my siblings, and so far she is the only who will listen, argue, listen and learn, after my soul searching and not go off half-cocked.

Also her taxi and grocery questions were a feeble attempt at interest, but there are other things too. In my file I said how wonderful I 'could' have been if we had been a loving family and only family, no kids or spouses would gather with me and we would talk about this elephant that everyone was ignoring, and question...feelings, real feelings, plans, needs etc.....but we just weren't--maybe that one hit home? I have a feeling I had 'set her up' to ask to read the file and maybe she would learn something. I seldom think of the other two now. The eldest and her hubby, 73/78 just sold their home., so a thought ot two ran by and I didn't bother to catch them

Thank you Hops

Love Izzy

[changing]

Hi Sweetie-

That "sister"- what an infernal beastly vicious turkey-brained **##$@& fool !!! Hurting her own sister and young niece when they were vulnerable... As Mo2 said, she must have been a "teacher" worthy of a Dickens novel!

I  wish that I could help you with the recovery and housekeeping nonsense, you certainly should not have to struggle with any of it. The weasel that hurt you should be scrubbing your floors and washing your socks every day for the rest of your life...Are you permitting all of the social services, etc to help ( I hope so)-It is so hard to eat, attend to  basic bodily needs and functions, etc. alone when one is struck down by an accident, and the pain limits everything even further. Do you have a hospital bed? At least you can put the bed in different positions, etc- if you don't have one, perhaps the hospital social worker might get one dellivered to you. It can really help. How often do the nurses, physical therapists and home helpers come? You really shouldn't have to fend for yourself at all at this point...You might call your doctor toi recommend this and then ask your lawyer lawyer and have them refer health care practicioners and home help agencies to you- that person who damaged you should pay the cost anyway, and this way the items would hopefully be a part of the medical lien, also documenting your condition, etc- one less worry for you...I don't like to think of you being alone during this time- maybe a paid ( by the louse that hurt you) companion ( ask your doctor and lawyer- though I wonder if you would go for the loss of privacy) You should not be bothered with petty concerns like bedmaking, etc!

Please get every bit of help that you can, and mend nicely ASAP- your birthday is almost here, and you have to pose for pictures!!!!

Loving Thoughts to You,

C.

P.S. Have you tried Hulu.com? They have great TV shows and movies for free to watch- the laughs can help Deer!

xxoo C.

[lighter]

Izzy:

Hops could be exactly right, that your sister is reaching out, however imperfectly,in an effort to understand.

Is trying to understand.... the same as asking for forgiveness?  I honestly don't know.

Asking for forgiveness requires doing better,  by my definition, in the present.

There's no question of changing the past, that's not going to happen and is a waste of energy to think of.

I believe there has to be some basic minimum acceptance of responsibility, a will to make an effort in the present, beyond not alienating you if you speak honestly.

Perhaps an offer, even an empty offer, to extend help, wash your hair, make sure you have groceries...... proper care at this time?

Sister has to know you'd probably wave away any offer of help, you've been a pillar of strength and self reliance all these years.

Why not make an effort to change, if she truly regrets the past?

Something to think about.

[Izzy_*now*]

Right Mo2

We talk about people doing things because they don't know what they are doing, and might act, react inappropriately and not even know how much this can hurt another.

So your "I honestly don't know' is like she honestly didn't know. Now I have explained, she knows, yet feels an request for forgivness, on bended knee, is too much because of her 'ignorance'....meaning never knew.

I don't wave away every offer of help. I so often do though when I can do it myself. Back then, and now, are different! I accepted when offered if needed. Now I need.

Now they are all in Ontario and I am in BC---no popping next door with a bowl of soup! And this calls for professional, therapists, Insurance people, police, lawyers, and Wee Care is paid for.

Hops posted a lovely supportive and caring

Izzy, I am mentally in your apartment making you comfortable.

I don't know how but I am determined!

Maybe I'm putting a goldfish in a bowl (that you'll never have to clean) by your monitor to watch, soothing...

Maybe I'm singin' you country tunes about young jerks in cars who think the road is a paper plate for their piles of fries-for-brains...

Maybe I'm meditating with you, both of us OHHHMMMMMing so loudly the shingles lift off the roof of the building a few inches, flip over to reveal pink and blue and gold and green and purple and indigo undersides and then land again, so all the world at a single glance can see the truth that this building houses a magical, warrior, wonderful spirit who brings color and life and power and wonder to the struggles of every moment...

with admiration, comfort, love...you deserve so much more,

Hops

and your

Izzy.... the 85yo guy thinking you made up an accident?

That's just nuts.

::sigh::

Every tiny aspect has to have it's difficulties, doesn't it?

So so sorry....... I'm sure doubting your integrity was about the old boy too.... not about you.

You need all your energy for yourself, at this point....

it's their loss.

(((Izzy))) Glad to hear the pipes are productive.

Keep us updated and make sure you have good pain management and support.

Wish I was closer to you..... I'd have brushed out your hair and brought you floss. 

Your favorite ice cream too.

Because on paper, because of distance, you are "coming to me" to help. Do you see?

Love Izzy

[lighter]

Now I have explained, she knows, yet feels a request for forgivness, on bended knee, is too much because of her 'ignorance'....meaning never knew.

Love Izzy

Izz..... though she feels she shouldn't have to ask....  you could offer forgiveness still.

Is that pride?

Or more ignorance and lack of understanding on her part?

Does it make a difference?

I bet just finding some small amount of understanding, from anyone in your family,  feels better than what you're used to receiving.

If you do forgive her, it's for you, not her, anyway.

Rest and heal, Izz.

[Izzy_*now*]

Hi Mo2

Yes I forgive her now

The dynamics are such that with my dysfunctional family, I am finding out  for sure, something I expected just a bit back, and that is that I am not the only one like me in the family. Maybe I've been the smartest one all along re the dysfunction dynamics and wanting to do something about them.

The others are the same yet can hide within their families and appear to be all-knowing, just are 'at loose ends' as was she in that crisis.

She is the only one worth "working with, and she will try to come to a conclusion on a matter, as do I!.

I don't feel she must come on bended knee to apologize, but that she understands means more to me, as I FINALLY made a point clear, after all these years.

I expect she feels the same.

My brother is a man so I leave him out of these niceties, and the other 2 sisters, I am 100% certain would never reach the stage this younger sister has made, in understanding, without flying off and telling me to stop living in the past, or to live like I play golf! HUH?

Physiotherapist is on her way here!
xx
Izzy

[lighter]

I'm glad you can talk to this sister about the past.

That has to mean a lot, after all this time.