How does we NOT let people take advatage of us?

[Dawning]

Hi all,

Does anyone have any good links to web pages that point out how we can not let people take advantage of us?  This is still my weak point, but now I pretty much only have to deal with it from 5 (maybe 2) of my living relatives.

Again, I return to this board for some stability.  Very briefly - I moved back to the U.S. one and a half years ago after 17 years abroad.  My significant other and my bio-family were of no support whatsoever except my mother, to some degree.  I have since let go of the guy and that was positive but letting go of my mother is difficult.  I am her only daughter and she is 67 years old now and dealing with aging issues.  I live on one side of the states and she lives on the other. 

The problem is that my family has not been supportive of me EVER in my life.  I grew up very vulnerable due to circumstances beyond my control.  My mother, in particular, continues to try and take advantage of this and she sometimes succeeds although I am very good at forming boundaries.  It is almost like she wants to create vulnerability in me and I ask myself, "what would she gain by doing that?"

I have no strong community in the small town where I live and a precarious job situation.  Realizing this, I have taken steps to move myself in a direction of more stability and will go to a large state Univ next week and look into grad programs.  I am seriously focused on creating options in my life.  While my mother has me to take care of her, I have no kids.  Therefore, it is up to me to change my life (I did that by returning here, essentially feeling like an immigrant) and trusting my instincts>thinking to the fullest degree about  where I see my life going and who is really there to help - and not just pretending to be.

Now, my family NEEDS me to doubt myself, question myself and sink to a status of nothingness when I am around them.  The only way out of this, as I can tell, is to maintain my boundaries and express my thoughts clearly when I talk with my mother on the phone and not physically join them for any event.   I told mom that, actually, not one person from my family called me when I lived overseas for 17 years and now there is incredible pressure on me (from mom) to call them.  I sent all 5 of them an email over the holidays last year with my address and phone numbers and still they will not call.  If this were a friendship type relationship, I would be finished with barking up the wrong tree.  Relationships are a two way street.  I spent alot of money calling my relatives when I was gainfully employed overseas and now I have to be frugal about my money.

I am in a very vulnerable position now which I am turning into a powerful position.  Last night, towards the end of the conversation, my mother (very strategically) mentioned that my aunt will be staying with her next week.  She also said the following,
"I spoke to *** a few days ago and she said, 'tell Dawning I love her.*  I was going to suggest that she call and tell you that herself, but I didn't."  Me:  "well, I guess you have to ask yourself why you didn't suggest that but why tell me about it?"  Mom: "tell you about what? I didn't say that."  And on and on it goes. 

She further suggested that I needed to be the family hero.  I told her that I have a lot on my plate right now and that I don't have it in me to be the family hero.  I spoke to her well and concise but she was still angry that I haven't let go of my hurt and moved on.  For me, letting go of my hurt and moving on largely entails not putting myself in positions where I might get hurt based on what my gut instinct tells me.  I have suggested several ways where we can all come together as an "Us" and she still says that everything is on MY plate.

In a nutshell, I feel that my family is always trying to set me up to feel worthless and bad about my life.  They do this by taking advantage of my natural inclination to want to do what's right even if it means being the family scapegoat.  I may be able to reach out to them in the future but first I have to feel much more stable internally and externally in my own life.  They take advantage of my weaknesses and try to rub salt in the wound, lately with their indifference.  How do we stop this dynamic from making us sad and depressed?

I have done so much in the last year, the weeks, the last days to create options and remain optiministic and empowered through my faith and my friends.  And, 99% of the time, when my family gets involved, I lose my sense of self-worth and personal empowerment.  It almost seems like some kind of weird logic and that scares me because it implies that I am stuck with this scenario.  I don't need this dynamic in my life now when I am moving forward.  But I feel that I can't escape their manipulation, hurtful words, never-ending pretense and utter indifference (esp with my cousins.)  It is my mother and aunt who I think are intimidated by any success I may have.  And I am scared because the little girl in me wants to give them my failures as proof of what they need to believe so they will love me.  And I don't need to do that!

I refuse to move into sadness and depression.  I'm just pissed that they are so ruthless in their behaviour towards me - and always have been.   If we picked our parents/family before we were born, then I must have been very, very careless in that regard.

Also, I don't think I would have gotten this far if I didn't feel the love and support from my friends, my neighbors and board-posters on the Internet.  It makes their behaviour all the more mind-boggling.  What kind of family doesn't wish the best for everyone in it?

Thanks for listening,
Dawning

[Izzy_*now*]

((((((Dawning))))))

If I could express myself, this is my life. I am now almost 70 and I have looked after me and have put everyone else, in particular my family, 4 siblings and even my own daughter, on the toxic list, to ignore at will. The exception being one sister, one brother and my daughter when they ‘behave’ about me.

My eldest sister at one point (2002) said she felt I was the family scapegoat. I was, but no longer
http://www.scapegoat.demon.co.uk/undoing.htm
is a link for you to check out and try to relate there.

Next, your friends, family, sig/other, ANYONE, who will treat you with control, disrespect, as though you are crazy, not with appreciation in any way, whatever, think about them carefully and think about yourself carefully re each relationship.

Those would come up lacking and who will not change and ‘mesh’ with you in all ways, go NO Contact.

I have done this! and I am far, far better than I ever was. Think now! I am older than your mother and you still have time.

Assess what you will and will not accept, and cut that to the quick saying that that is not you and you have boundaries in that area. Please stop crossing. If the response is negative, NO Contact.

Google “Being Assertive” and choose a good page to read.

If that person responds with enough insight into how you are feeling he/she will take another tack with you and you might give that person a chance.

“An unexamined life is a wasted life”____Socrates.

Examine every area you can remember and if anyone says you are living in the past, tell them you are examining the mess that was your life, because it is time for you to live……before you die!

(I emailed my eldest sister about a problem and her answer was to “live life like you golf”. HUH? I didn’t respond and she emailed mailed “eerie silence” I emailed back “BOOGA BOOGA” and that was it__ no fights and no further contact. Another sister I emailed to ask her why she did such and such, when I was about 28, and how was she ‘reading me at the time. She went into a 2 page tirade, that it was all me and that I had 500- 50# pails of shit in my life--- and about finding the Lord”. I responded with, “Wow! you must always have had a mad on about me!” No more contact. My parents are dead. My brother has never wronged me, other than to follow the crowd, and we are in contact with particularly funny jokes, telephone at Xmas and birthday. The sister I share with is one who is willing to accept and we are okay. Read my post of a 39½ yr apology!)

I have learned that my daughter is acting like a immature martyr in the stories she is telling her friend about me, to boost herself and lessen me. I write common sense to her, and if she wants to ignore me, go ahead, as I think she has overstepped. The best I can say is that she NEVER wanted to hear exactly what her father was like, yet she is telling her friend what I am like and nothing meshes. I was told that she told her friend that I would send her into the liquor store, when she was 8, to buy for me. Let’s get REAL here~ What government store would sell to am 8 year old? She has lied!!!! She said I left her alone to go drinking and her baton instructor had to drive her to the bar to find me! Another Lie! I remember that well, again about 7-8 and neither she nor the Instructor knew where I was. I was at a bar on the West side, as her classes were on the West side, and I was about 5 minutes late picking her up. I KNOW that is when I apologized for being late. I had met a friend and time slipped away but I was on my way as classes ended. I am VERY disappointed in my daughter. I write to her the truth)

My ex boss hanging around trying to control and always better me would call, await the beep after the message then crash down his receiver. Then this past Xmas I was surprised to come in the door to hear his voice on the phone, leaving a message, and saw that he was calling from his sister’s…..different actions there. No angry hang up. I called him on it .asnd then the other things...and now we are done!)

I’m sorry that this is about me, but you wrote your message for me to fully understand and I can commiserate!

Please tell me if this helps!

Love
Izzy

[Dawning]

Thank you Izzy.  Everything quoted below _does_ help and I sense your difficult road to wisdom and assertiveness.  Thank you for sharing with me.  I like the 3rd paragraph, in particular.  I'd like to sound off now:

Control - that would be every single person in my family.  Everything on their terms.  My father's abandonment of me goes truly unexamined by him.  Incompetent!  Incompetent fool!  I've noticed most people who are incompetent have control issues or vice-versa.  Like, which came first - the chicken or the egg.

Disrespect - you are right, NO CONTACT.  If I have heard, "I love you," or my personal favorite  " I do love you (but - written in between the lines is - I love you so much for allowing me to disrespect you then I have heard it a million times!  Love and respect (and support) would not allow someone to see a family member suffer and remain totally indifferent and - worse - haughty.

As though you are crazy - I played into this one for a long time.  The tragic comedian, I was.  But, boy, have I sobered up.  This incompetent bunch of relatives doesn't like that one bit.

Not without appreciation in any way - I don't even know what that would feel like.  But, I do have good instincts.  The only people who seem to have appreciated me were the folks in the country where I once lived and I like to think that they appreciated my competence and efficiency, which are values highly held there.  I guess I will find appreciation if I stay focused on the path and trust my instincts.

Whatever - indeed.

Thank you again for posting.  I'll come back to this post later and re-read it.  I'm glad you are out there and want to share with us.

(((((Izzy))))))

If I could express myself, this is my life. I am now almost 70 and I have looked after me and have put everyone else, in particular my family, 4 siblings and even my own daughter, on the toxic list, to ignore at will. The exception being one sister, one brother and my daughter when they ‘behave’ about me.

My eldest sister at one point (2002) said she felt I was the family scapegoat. I was, but no longer
http://www.scapegoat.demon.co.uk/undoing.htm
is a link for you to check out and try to relate there.

Next, your friends, family, sig/other, ANYONE, who will treat you with control, disrespect, as though you are crazy, not with appreciation in any way, whatever, think about them carefully and think about yourself carefully re each relationship.

Those would come up lacking and who will not change and ‘mesh’ with you in all ways, go NO Contact.

I have done this! and I am far, far better than I ever was. Think now! I am older than your mother and you still have time.

Assess what you will and will not accept, and cut that to the quick saying that that is not you and you have boundaries in that area. Please stop crossing. If the response is negative, NO Contact.

Google “Being Assertive” and choose a good page to read.

[Izzy_*now*]

YW Dawning,
Read my posts. This latest crap tells me I am on a roll.

  Ha Ha

[changing]

Hi Dawning-

Just when I thought that I had finished with the reflection and the contemplation and the BLA BLA BLA- your post and Izzy's great reply show me that I have another 1,000 years of work to do!!! Interesting enough, I have been giving a senior lady working at my local store a ride home lately when I shop there. another person there told me that she heard her ridiculing me, my car, etc ( the car is often ridiculous as my Sammy dog slobbers on the passanger window almost daily, etc- he almost seems driven to slobber on it as soon as I have cleaned it, I have quilts on the sheepskins for the fur and pawprints, etc!) and she told me that she hates to see people take advantage of me, that my husband took advantage for years and that was enough for a lifetime, etc. This is a very nice lady and I know that I need to wrestle with this issue...

Izzy's thoughts on this are pure gold- no need to have interventions, beatings or brawls- just NO CONTACT! How civilized!!!! Her ideas regarding where to draw the line are also so incredible- this reduction of almost all possible NC offenses is pure genius. I saw a truly hilarious cartoon once of a guy being examined in a court by different wacky intergalactic creatures ( he as human) who pronounce him a "food animal"- we have been labled, socialized and conditioned to be "taken advantage of animals"- Izzy is so right, life is to be LIVED and vicious bloodsucking parasitical insects should not be given free reign in the name of "love."

I loved this interchange, Dawning and Izzy- Now I've got to go and scrub the car windows!!!

Oh, Izzy- loved your joke!!! How do you do it?

Best,

Changing

[Renatha]

Hi Dawning
I read your message with interest, as there are similarities to which I can relate. I'm a "bit" older than you - 56 - with 3 adult sons, but am now back for 2 years after spending 4 years living and working o'seas. I was told that during that time I had become "comfortable in my own skin" and it was one of the best times of my life.

I've returned to my own country, though to another city a long way from my family. Since I've returned, it has been such a struggle to hold on to my identity and belief that I am not "a waste of space". It has resulted in the loss of contact with 1 sister since I had to return as my mother passed away and was buried, and 1 son. My ex-husband could not even look at me 6 years ago at my eldest son's wedding, and I have no idea where he is now. It can become overwhelming that these 3 people who I feel I poured alot of love into the relationships, feel that I am such a bad person, they would rather not have contact with me. I guess the feelings mutual, though I find it incredibly sad, particularly with my son as I thought there was real love and caring there. That goes for my sister too.

Since I've returned, I have secured a good job, am part of a church community and have my youngest son (25) now living with me. I feel as if the 4 years o'seas was such a gift, though not without some minor challenges, and that now the real work has begun wherein I refuse to accept abuse, disrespect, judgments - or at least accept that others may chose to be like that but I don't need to take it on as a true assessment of my worth. Well, that's the theory, and knowing real love and acceptance through my faith has kept me strong, even though there have been some very challenging situations with a couple of people at church where I thought my head was being done in. Now at work, which has been my haven, there is a woman that has challenged me to the core, particularly when I arrived back after my mother's death and the falling out with my sister which was such a distressing and very public experience.

I'm not sure if this makes any sense, but it has been good to debrief but I think my message is that all these challenges show how strong we HAVE become - and assertive. Of course, the risk is crossing the line and becoming abusive! It goes on and on - learning, that is...

Renatha

[seasons]

Hi Dawning,

Sorry you have come back to such turmoil.

Disrespect - you are right, NO CONTACT.  If I have heard, "I love you," or my personal favorite   " I do love you (but - written in between the lines is - I love you so much for allowing me to disrespect you then I have heard it a million times!  Love and respect (and support) would not allow someone to see a family member suffer and remain totally indifferent and - worse - haughty.

[/b]

You nailed that one perfectly. I feel the same way.

As though you are crazy - I played into this one for a long time.  The tragic comedian, I was.  But, boy, have I sobered up.  This incompetent bunch of relatives doesn't like that one bit.

I have a place I've been reading maybe you would like to take a look.

http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.com/        sorry but that's what it's called.       seasons ox

[Hopalong]

Hi Dawning...

I looked for you, found this one, hope it helps:

http://serenityonlinetherapy.com/basic-human-rights.htm

love,
Hops