A big step forward today.
I went to a business meeting. This is another area of my life where I am 'unheard'. I have been taking slow painful steps to make a difference, to work on the people concerned, to make myself known for who I really am (not colluding with negative impressions and assumptions) - but nothing seems to change. People don't change, however willing. I've been through 'explanation'. 'confrontation', sharing, suggesting, patience, opting out and then self-defeating anger. This has been going on for years. I get knocked back, knocked down, ignored. My misery and depression had reached the lowest point and I intended to leave it all behind because I just couldn't take any more pain. (It's more complicated than just a 'job' but I'll protect my privacy if you don't mind by not going into detail)
However, I discovered that two people feel the same way I do. One also had expressed a desire to walk away. The other was shaking with passionate rage, frustration, anger...disappointment - and enumerating the many things that *I* have felt. Wow! It's not just about me and my inadequacy and neediness and expectations which are too high or inappropriate!!!
There aren't any 'N's here - or at least I don't think so. It's not about internal politics. There are good hearts, good intentions - fear, sensitivities, investments at stake - maybe even gender makes the difference. People work hard - but perhaps at the wrong things. And also give the impression that the best people aren't listened to and are undermined in all sorts of subtle ways. (No, there *really* isn't 'N'-ism at work even tho it may sound like it.)
Anyway...I made really good intelligent contributions to the meeting - I'm well capable of doing so but I'm amazed that I did. I didn't 'sweat' or have 'buzzy hearing' before speaking and it was only quite late in the day (and I'd had to wait for a while before I could share my thoughts on this occasion) that I started to shake before I spoke. I have a brain so it's natural that I should have opinion but I was contributing, making a difference. I even managed to remember what I intended to say - I managed to keep my thoughts in my brain long enough to finish multiple sentences!!!
I'm not sure I remember a time when i could do that in a group - a roomful of people - if I wasn't actually chairing the meeting!!!! And, between stress, menopause and medication, I didn't think I had (would ever have) a functioning brain any more.
What made the difference? Working hard at making one person understand me perhaps made a space in which I was allowed to speak without getting blown back (too often anyway!). And for once I only had to drive fairly locally so I didn't arrive totally stressed out.
But...d'you know what...when I told my ('estranged') husband two days ago that I wanted out (I wasn't seeking permission, it was a statement of fact and nothing to do with him or his life) he said 'don't worry, I'm sure we can all live on my pension'. That is probably the kindest, kindest thing anybody has ever said to me. With all the difficulties we have faced, in our opposite corners, with fear and misery and misunderstandings and all the rest - and knowing his 'issues' about money and debt...it was the very last thing I would have ever expected. 'His' money never even crossed my mind!!!!!
i do realise, realistically, that it probably meant a kind of status quo for him that wouldn't actually be very healthy for me - but that's the nature of AS and not evil intention.
But what matters is how it impacted on me : what a kind, kind, kind, kind thing to say, to offer.
It reminds me of a time when a therapist said 'I wouldn't do that because I know it would send you into a spin'.
[Well, I think she would and she did say something in particular - can't remember what it was all about now! - but what matters is that she was able to have the WISH not to. And I didn't realise until this moment that it means I am sent into a spin by things because I know someone wishes to create the 'spin'. It relates to my mother's manipulative behaviour towards me. I am stunned and slightly confused - will have to think some more about that!!]
Anyway - that was probably all very boring and irrelevant, but...I just wanted to share that something very positive happened today. I functioned!!!!! And seeds have been sown that will really will make a difference.
Unbelievable. (Oh, and I also practiced having 'happy' thoughts all the way to the meeting - can't say I really succeeded but I did keep stopping myself from catastrophizing and being too miserable and depressed - just maybe it made a difference!?!)
