You sound like my husband! In fact the whole relationship sounds very familiar. There are times, reading this thread, when i could believe you really ARE my husband!! But I see that you are not.
I forgive my husband because I know he has Aspergers - but I can't live with him any more without being driven insane with frustration.
What I say next is not meant as criticism to heap coals on the fire, but simply observations/perspectives you may not have thought of...
- You expect your partner to be interested in the things you are interested in - even when she says she's not. And if she's not, then she isn't co-operating. Hmm? There's something missing here for me in this kind of statement but I always find it difficult to put my finger on exactly what it is.
- MY husband would wait to clean up until AFTER I'd cleaned up. And then it wouldn't get touched again for weeks or months until i got stuck in again and then, a few days later, he'd do it again. It used to infuriate me. It's clean and tidy cos I've just done it! And he's doing it again! Sooo frustrating!
Could NOT get him to do it when it needed it - only when it didn't need doing!! LOL
- You say : "She was upset because I tore out the landscape in the front and she liked it" Did you care that she was upset? Were you able to empathise with her feelings? Were you sorry that she was hurting? I remember my husband destroying my lovely rosemary bush - I loved looking at it - loved the shape of it but one day he decided to 'prune' it and ruined it (in my eyes). I was really upset about that bush. Something precious to me had been ruined by someone else who hadn't thought to ask me - who didn't know how I felt or why I felt (and why didn't he know?). It was the only bush in the garden - and he never 'gardened'!!! I still feel the pain of that event.
- You take responsibility for a number of things and yet it also seems that perhaps you don't actually do/finish a lot of the things you say you will. I truly wish you lots of luck in doing and finishing the projects you have just declared you will start - I am sure it will make a lot of difference to your relationship if you do finish them. I hope you find a way of 'project managing' that enables you to start, make progress and complete the tasks.
- I notice in your blog that you say : "I never really thought about how sets were made or what went into making them. I really thought it was sort of like a kit, it comes with a script and a set. And then the set just explodes itself onto the stage. I never realized there was so much work involved. So I was a bit shocked when I saw the set. It was complicated, and I was a bit in awe of all the work involved. I'd heard stories, but I still was sort of under the impressing sets just built themselves."
I thought that was a very interesting perspective and I just wonder if it's a metaphor for other things in your life. Perhaps you don't know or understand exactly what your partner does? (And perhaps vice versa)
- Clearly she's worried about money (and she's doing something about it even if she's moaning about having to do something about it). Are you worried, too? If not, how is it different for you if you both have the same 'pot of money' and the same 'expenditure'?
I know that my husband seems wilfully determined NOT to change his half-full attitude. Surely, it's a decision anyone can make : to choose to think in a different way? I know that Aspies really can't because they get stuck in a groove and that's about how the brain works. But anyone else can choose to ask themselves 'what's perfect in this?' and find an answer to that question, however much they are rebelling against doing so.
They can also ask themselves what they are gaining from a difficult situation they don't want to change - and perhaps the answer is it's just pi**ing off their partner.
There's a great book called 'Games People Play' which has a great deal of insight into all this and is fun to read. Things like 'Now Look What You Made Me Do'. Is the lecturing parent in her bringing out the rebellious child in you? Or is the rebellious child in you bringing out the lecturing parent in her? Don't let all this get too far embedded or it will ruin your relationship.
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is something useful to look out for - it's far more effective than looking deep into the past for this kind of thing. And, just supposing your relationship seems so familiar because there's some of the Aspie stuff going on, it's FAR safer for your mental health and well-being.
Good luck! And apologies if all this seems a little far-fetched or not quite what you're hoping to hear. No offence intended.
