Job Advise

[flower]

Kelly,

I understand that your dilemma is hard and scary - stay with Nmom or leave and disrupt your life.  I was dependent on my parents for years.

Of course only you can make that decision. A question we can ask ourselves in situations like this is: What is the cost of staying dependent on Nparents?  Is the inheritance and financial security -- which could go away -- and aren't guaranteed -- worth what you are paying in untold and unaccounted  ways. I now know what they mean by "there is no free lunch."

Need to jump out of that burning house and save my life! But you know, whenever I talk to my 17 year old daughter about my mom she tells me to get over myself and stop whining!! Unfortunately I think she is a carbon copy of my mother!!

I know that it is stereotypical for teens to rebel, but I heard alarm bells at your daughter's words. Does she see your mom as the head of your family? Maybe she sees everything, life style, etc coming from grandma. Grandma's money might mean security to her too. Grandma may be golden to her.

I was in  this type of  dependent position for many years and it isn't easy and wasn't easy at first to break away. But things have come to light as we continue to break away.  My son told me that grandma told him, when he was young, to obey her and to not obey me. This explains a lot of his behavior through the years.  It is too late, and I can't turn back the clock on everything.  My daughter's self esteem was ruined by my Nmom's doubt. Ngrandma was covertly abusive to my children.

But, we are starting to heal and things are getting healthier and better. I'd say it has been worth it for us to break away from N grandparents.

Maybe your mom is less destructive than my parents.

Best wishes for your precious family.

[kelly]

My mom is great to my kids.  Oh, my 17 year old sees a bit of her "methods" when I am out of town and she has to stay with gparents.  The kids love me but they do see grandma as their "sugar mamma."  Grandma buys most of their clothes, hair cuts and pays for their private school (which I wouldn't care about and she knows it so she doesn't hold the tuition over my head.)

Thanks for ALL the insights.....it helps!

Off for awhile!

Kelly

[kelly]

My mom is great to my kids.  Oh, my 17 year old sees a bit of her "methods" when I am out of town and she has to stay with gparents.  The kids love me but they do see grandma as their "sugar mamma."  Grandma buys most of their clothes, hair cuts and pays for their private school (which I wouldn't care about and she knows it so she doesn't hold the tuition over my head.)

Thanks for ALL the insights.....it helps!

Off for awhile!

Kelly

[kelly]

Another thing I am noticing about most of the people in the forum is that they have already made the leap - or at least some of you.  I realized after reading the last couple of posts that I am scared.  I am so scared.  After my last bad experience, I am even more apprehensive to make a move.  But the mere thought of spending just one more day working with my mom makes me sick.

So guess what I did yesterday?  Bought two lottery tickets.  I have never bought a lottery ticket in my life.  So I am hoping beyond hope that some miracle happens and I win so I can just walk away without looking back.  I even daydream about putting money into the business so it can thrive.  Isn't that sick, stupid behavior?  Like I think I am going to win?  But I guess it gives me hope.....................................

And yes, my daughter thinks my mom is the head of the family.  EVERYONE thinks she is the head of the family.  Everyone goes to her to bail them out of financial situations.

Yesterday I noticed that she had bought a couple of self help books and I thought, "Do you think she is trying to understand herself and better herself?"  Well, that was shortlived when I found out she bought them for my cousin and his wife (who are having marital difficulties and are (guess what?) living in her basement.)  Yep, she's trying to "fix" their relationship like she tried to fix mine.  It doesn't surprise me.  It infuriates me!  And are they so stupid to fall into the same trap I fell into twice?  Well that shows you what I call myself - stupid!  And the rest of the family (for the most part) are stupid, too!!!

Even my brother who has totally gone the opposite way of what she wanted, goes to her for money.  His business was experiencing some down times so he put her on the board and asked her to underwrite some loans.

Well, the more I read, the more I write and the more I pray............gives me the courage to make a move.  I am going slow, making sure that everything is lined up - all my ducks in a row, and then I am gone!  Help me, Lord, and let me win that lottery!!!

[Anonymous]

Hi Kelly,

So guess what I did yesterday? Bought two lottery tickets. I have never bought a lottery ticket in my life. So I am hoping beyond hope that some miracle happens and I win so I can just walk away without looking back. I even daydream about putting money into the business so it can thrive. Isn't that sick, stupid behavior? Like I think I am going to win?

Maybe those lottery tickets are symbols. Hang on to them. As keepsakes. As symbols of you making an investment in yourself, your future. You most likely won't win. Don't be downhearted when you don't. Instead, turn those tickets into what they are - symbols of a dream you want to make happen. Buying them made a statement. Maybe your unconcsious made that statement? Like 'get me out of this life, it's making me ill'. It can be good to listen to your unconscious.

And scared is good too! It signals change and change is great! Scared is an appropriate feeling, I get scared all the time. Much better than being stuck in the anxiety-ridden status-quo.

[Singer]

Being around an N sucks the life out of you, the YOU out of you.  

You are SO right about that. I think I've spent most of my life thinking that by winning a few crumbs of my Nmom's approval, or by not bringing her wrath down on my head, I had accomplished something. And that took the place, in my deluded head, of actually accomplishing anything.

I have been trying to figure out my father, who was a gentle man, and how he could have tolerated all he did from my mother, and I realize that it might have been that false sense of accomplishment. His goal in life was to keep her safe and comfortable because she had convinced him that his value as a human being depended on just that. And all he got for it in the end was her rage because he couldn't do it anymore.

Well, that was a little off the subject but I've been reading this thread with considerable interest. Kelly, you have a difficult choice ahead of you and I hope you can work it out. Loss of that sense of security is hard enough, and made harder by the fact that your Nmother is providing a sense of security, real or not,  to your children as well. Which might make you the bad guy if you rock the boat. But I can tell you from experience that no one is going to thank you if you don't. They might just think you've been a fool.

Like I said, I know from experience  

Singer

[Jenocidal]

What's more important?  Your sanity or your materialism?  I would find a new job - not tomorrow - but now!  Do not sacrifice another minute of your life to that psychic vampire.

[Anonymous]

Hello,

wrote a super long post and lost it, darn!  So I'll respond to some earlier posts.  Agree that sanity is more important.  however, we all do what we believe we need to do to survive.  Kelly may feel her survival is tied to her mother's largesse.  

It is scary to realize the enormity of the challenge Kelly has.  It shows a lot of courage to face up to it.  It doesn't count as courage if we're not scared!  But make a long term plan, Kelly, get a financial mentor or whatever support you need and create smaller steps to make it doable.  Reward yourself every step of the way.

Hopefully you will see a path to independence with some planning and outside encouragement, K.  People admire independence and courage.  You will admire yourself!    That is the key to releasing yourself from your mother's "golden handcuffs".  If you have a plan, it will be less scary.  It may not happen overnight, but you can do it if you start with doable steps.  Eg start saving some of the big pay, invest in your own real estate (without help from your mom!!).  etc etc.

Good luck.  Seeker

[kelly]

Scary?  The more I think about it the more scary it is.  I had my job interview today and it wasn't right - AT ALL!  But at least I made the step.  Have a couple more resumes out there and am hoping for a follow up phone call which will lead down another path.  No path is workable unless it is the right path.  My head is spinning thinking about it all.  In a way I feel sorry for my mom.  I know she will freak if I leave again.  But I won't leave again unless it is right.  So I guess I just bide my time and hope for more encouragement from all of you.

Most people I know will NOT understand, afterall my Nmom is so well thought of in our community that everyone will think that I am the one with a problem.  I guess that is what makes it the hardest.  The fact that from all outward appearances I am the one who has a problem.  But no one around here realizes that the problem with me is her.  For all of my decisions to break away, there will be another person who feels sorry for poor old Kelly, the lost child!!!  (Adult!)

Lord, help me to persevere until the right thing comes along!

Kelly

[Wildflower]

Hi Kelly,

How are you doing?

Maybe those lottery tickets are symbols. Hang on to them. As keepsakes. As symbols of you making an investment in yourself, your future. You most likely won't win. Don't be downhearted when you don't. Instead, turn those tickets into what they are - symbols of a dream you want to make happen. Buying them made a statement. Maybe your unconcsious made that statement? Like 'get me out of this life, it's making me ill'. It can be good to listen to your unconscious.

It is scary to realize the enormity of the challenge Kelly has. It shows a lot of courage to face up to it. It doesn't count as courage if we're not scared! But make a long term plan, Kelly, get a financial mentor or whatever support you need and create smaller steps to make it doable. Reward yourself every step of the way.

I just wanted to chime in again and say this is such great advice (lots of great advice here, but these two bits really hit me).  I'm sorry about the interview today, but the important part is that you've taken a step in the right direction.  Even if it takes you a while to get it right, if you're making plans (maybe you and your H can work together on this), it's a step in the right direction.  Until the day you can finally break free.  And maybe there are some small, subtle ways you can slowly minimize your Nmom's contact with you and your family.

In a way I feel sorry for my mom. I know she will freak if I leave again

I think I know how that feels.  I mean, it's your mom, right?  And of course she'll be upset if you leave.  But why will she be upset?  Is she missing YOU or is this really all about her?  If you can, try this.  If she's anything like the N's in my life, she may throw fits if you pull away even just a little.  And if she does, watch her.  Listen.  What you see may help steel you against future fits and remind you that the only person you should be worried about right now is you.  Especially that little lost Kelly.

I know all this stuff can be overwhelming (you shoulda seen me in April ), but take heart that you're worth it.  Your family is worth it.  

Take care,
Wildflower

[kelly]

Want to cry with all the support.  Just want to say that every one of you who have given me these words of encouragement have really helped me cope with all this angst.

I want an easy fix (the lotto winning!)  I want to pray to God to get me out of this mess.  Although my parents shoved religion down my throat, I still have a basic belief in God.  But then I start thinking if I give money to the church, then God will get me out of this mess - almost like "buying" his blessing.  Then I feel foolish for thinking I can manipulate God.

Part of that comes from the "brainwashing" I received all my life.  And I do believe it is brainwashing.  Why else would my cognitive mind KNOW something is true but my subconcious mind still recoils at the thought of it!!

[Anonymous]

Hi Kelly,

I can understand this completely:

everyone will think that I am the one with a problem.

This DID happen to me.  And I survived it.  My NSIL spread vicious lies about me and my family all over the place.  Actually did me a favor in that people knew I would have nothing to do with her anymore, once things blew up in her own house.  Time was on my side.  In hindsight, I wish I was calm enough to sensibly answer nosy questions.

In your case, I think time is on your side too.  If people ask you what "the problem" is, you can simply say, I just need some breathing room, or I want to spread my wings a bit more, or whatever feels natural and truthful and not hurtful.  It doesn't necessarily have to be a reflection on your relationship (although Ns always take it this way).  

In truth, you ARE the one with a problem and you are trying to solve it.  What's wrong with that?

  Seeker

[Anonymous]

I had my job interview today and it wasn't right - AT ALL!

Kudos to you for going to an interview! Job interviews are like blind dates. You just have to get through them and with experience they're easier. And I met my H on a blind date...you never know what's around the corner.  

In a way I feel sorry for my mom.  I know she will freak if I leave again.

My mother has freaked at several things I did. And I mean FREAKED. Guess what, she got over it. Ns always do.

One thing is that your salary/possible inheritance symbolizes "maternal caring" to you, so of course it's hard to separate from that. It seems like you are the unnatural one to turn your back on the only mothering you can get out of her. But if you get a new job, she'll still be your mother and I actually think you will still have a relationship.

And if you don't find a better job, there may be ways to defuse the relationshp with your mother and make it far less dramatic than it now is. I don't know how often you see a therapist but that makes a big difference.

bunny

[kelly]

Well, unfortunately my 17 year old keeps coming into the room when I am posting and I am sure she has figured out by now how to find this forum - which means my thoughts expressed here will now have to stop...because now I know someone can read this....................so no more opportunity to vent to a bunch of strangers that can support me....and no place to cry and complain and whine..........................another example of my voicelessness.  Another opportunity for my voice to be heard - SQUASHED.  Stolen by you, daughter!!

If anyone would like to continue you could give me a message in my INBOX!  Kelly

[kelly]

Oh, by the way, I haven't figured out how to log in and get you to know who I am.  My username is kellydckm, but I have been posting under Kelly...............Inbox for more advise if you want - to keep you-know-who from reading it!