Help figuring out my husband's diagnosis.........Dr. G maybe??

[SilverLining]

My reason for believing a label is useful is that it gives you a way of understanding and relating.

I agree  RC.  The challenge for some of us is the inability to ever get an "official" diagnosis.  My father at 75 years of age is not going to go for any evaluation.  My siblings are in la la land.  My mother displays her own brand of self absorption, which often operates in collusion with my father.  Other than the validation and support I've gotten from this board, which has been wonderful, I'm on my own.   And I find I'm still  uncomfortable with labeling my fathers condition  a "genetic disease" because that tends to imply I should put up with his behavior (endure the abuse?), since it isn't his fault.   I may be particularly sensitive to this aspect because they used his problems as an excuse for his behavior even during my childhood.  They just didn't have the sophistocated diagnoses back then.    

I guess I'd the say the labeling is helpful to a point.  But figuring out how to relate with the person is still a matter of personal choice.  As Kelly stated, the bottom line is whether we can put up with the behavior or not, regardless of how it is labeled.    

[Hopalong]

Hear, hear:

figuring out how to relate with the person is still a matter of personal choice.

That's liberating.

Sometimes getting stuck in the studying (about the labels) is another way of being unloving to ourselves.

Hops

[BonesMS]

My reason for believing a label is useful is that it gives you a way of understanding and relating.

Neurotypical : you can expect behaviour change as a possibiilty.  It could be a waste of time, it may not be worth wishing for but that's another issue and another diecision.  You can expect someone to offer you respect and consideration and not to mess with your mind (eg gaslighting)

AS : behaviour change is not a possibility. They think differently.  When they are 'horrible', it's the way they are built and you don't have to take it personally.  When that person is indifferent to whether or not you're around, you'll know it doesn't imply that they don't care.  (If I died, it wouldn't make a jot of difference to my Aspies! Here today, gone tomorrow - what a gift!!)  You can reach behind the behaviour to someone who has no idea why you are reacting the way you are!  You can learn to communicate logically and without metaphor so as to reduce opportunities for confusion or misunderstandings.  ('Pull your socks up' is one of those confusing metaphors)  You'll learn to be precise in evaluating and communicating what you want.

I'm going to give an example here.  BonesMS - I hope this is OK with you.  I want to express some of my feelings : I was having some negative thoughts and feelings because you seemed to completely ignore my contributions.  It was as though I didn't exist.  I felt elbowed aside because there is an expectation that the preceding post will be built on, not ignored if you want to agree or say the same thing.  But the instant you said that you suspect you may be an Aspie, I viewed the situation completely differently.  My growing feelings of resentment and irritation disappeared in a flash. I now 'get' the interaction and I don't have an issue about it any more.  And you have my sympathies re coping with NTs! 

Thanks for understanding, Rosencratz!

One other thing I forgot to mention that Aspies may tend to do...I know I tend to do it...perserverate.  It drives NTs CRAZY!

BonesMS

[rosencrantz]

haha - but not once they UNDERSTAND!!   And if you can all have a sense of humour about it.

And..you know what...it's a GLORIOUS feeling to 'understand'.  It's tough getting beyond what AS does to you as a child when the parent has remained undiagnosed but once you get there - there's absolute JOY in understanding.  JOY and serenity.

And that's what has made my mother's care home's reaction to my understanding of my mother so difficult to accept : their refusal to validate something joyous and their determination to destroy it.  (This refers to something I'm working through in another thread).

BonesMS - Thanks for allowing me to express my 'self' in relation to you.  And for receiving my understanding.  That gave me great joy.

[Overcomer]

Ok, so I know my mother is clearly a N.......and now I am beginning to believe that my husband actually has a mild case of AS.....wow.....my daughter (by another father who probably also has a different form......but I am almost sure...............case of AS!!) has autism.  High functioning but not high enough to ever be "normal," meaning she will probably always live with me or in some type of group home....

So the question is........Can I live in a world that is somewhat "normal?"  I have always been with men who have addictions or disorders.  If I were to divorce this man, wouldn't it seem plausible that the next man I meet and fall in love with will also be screwed up in some way and I will not be happy????  Is it true that I can never be happy?

I watched the movie, Made of Honor...............a cute little love story.  At the end of the movie there was a song.......Stop crying your heart out........they also played it at the end of Butterfly Effect.  I was melancholy all day yesterday.  Sad, because I have never had that kind of love which is all consuming.......he loves me......I love him.  I cannot get enough of him.  He cannot get enough of me.

I want that love.  I want to be in love!!!!!  I do not think I will ever find that.  I look for it in all the wrong places.  Some old friends used to sing that song to me.....

[SilverLining]

So the question is........Can I live in a world that is somewhat "normal?"  I have always been with men who have addictions or disorders.  If I were to divorce this man, wouldn't it seem plausible that the next man I meet and fall in love with will also be screwed up in some way and I will not be happy????  

Seems to me knowledge of the pattern changes the pattern, whether you decide to leave or stay.  Stay with him and the knowledge of the AS tendencies can change way you deal with his behavior.  Leave and you will have a better understanding of where the mistakes were made in the past.  

FWIW the way my mother seems to cope with my (probably) AS father is by getting her emotional support outside the marriage from her group of friends and associations.   I'm not sure if this is a conscious effort or not on her part, but it has become pretty clear to me what is going on.  In a lot of ways they seem more like roommates than a married couple.  They've been married for over 50 years so I guess it's a workable solution.  In the end, it always comes down to what a person can live with.  

[rosencrantz]

You're right SilverLining - and your example is right too (about finding the care you need in your social life - my life fell apart when we moved to somewhere where I was isolated and no longer belonged to women's groups, was no longer active in the local community and never got past being an 'outsider')  You can stay or you can go.  I decided to go.  'Gave' myself cancer to force the issue!!!  (Much better to make an honest decision tho' -  and not scare yourself half to death first!! )

Your daughter need not be as dependent as you think.  It's 'developmental' - so she may take longer than most but people with AS can live (semi-)independently.  Believe she can do more than you think she can and I'm sure she'll surprise you.

As far as future relationships are concerned - it's not easy to avoid falling into the same hole.  I feel the same way.  I thought I was SO choosing someone NOT like my  mother.  And in most ways I was right.  But there were things I had no idea about.  And I find that I'm still attracted to men who have AS.  GROAN!  Well, they're so NICE!!!  And they feel SAFE.  But I know I'll want MORE - as time goes on.  I'll want a closer relationship, not just a respectful intelligent intellectual one.  I'll want delicious  sex, not functional sex.  Am I willing to accept/put up with less than I could have when i don't even know if it's out there for me?  Well, I'd rather not keep constantly being faced with disappointment and frustration.  Since I moved on, I do have moments of calm which I never had before.  Until my latest catastrophe (which only arrived in my life because of my mother) I actually had HAPPY moments!  For no reason at all.  Like normal people probably have.  Wowowowowow!   

I don't think I want that kind of all-consuming love you mention.  I've always picked up men-with-a-problem but I think I've experienced the all-consuming kind - it makes you very vulnerable.  As long as you don't mind the crash at the end of it, why not go out to experience it if you've never experienced it.  (You could have an affair!!)

We have only one life.  If it's what you want - it's probably what you need.

Me...I want sensible love.  But I don't know what possibilities are out there.   Maybe 'sensible love' is Aspie love.  Maybe they are the only men who are loyal and don't play games.  But I've already said that I want more than that.  It seems that once you're in this loop, there's no way out. 

[BonesMS]

haha - but not once they UNDERSTAND!!   And if you can all have a sense of humour about it.

And..you know what...it's a GLORIOUS feeling to 'understand'.  It's tough getting beyond what AS does to you as a child when the parent has remained undiagnosed but once you get there - there's absolute JOY in understanding.  JOY and serenity.

And that's what has made my mother's care home's reaction to my understanding of my mother so difficult to accept : their refusal to validate something joyous and their determination to destroy it.  (This refers to something I'm working through in another thread).

BonesMS - Thanks for allowing me to express my 'self' in relation to you.  And for receiving my understanding.  That gave me great joy.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Rosencrantz))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Bones

[rosencrantz]

Gave us both great joy by the look of it. 

[Overcomer]

Well, something stops me from doing that.  I guess my morals are in the way.   But if I found that love I would act on it.  Right now I am broke with him.....I would be VERY broke without him.....thanks for all your input...

[rosencrantz]

broke as in 'short of cash' or 'broke' as in 'broken spirit'?

[Overcomer]

short of money......i am ok with him.....i just stay away from him when he bores me...

[JustKathy]

Hi Kelly. I can’t begin to speculate what the problem might be, but two things on your list describe my husband perfectly.

3.  He doesn't like to answer the phone or door.  He gets mad at people for calling.

4.   He doesn't want people to come over even though we have an awesome backyard and pool.

His pattern of watching television is also the same as my husband’s. Very short attention span, constantly flipping channels. Movies and drama bore him. He’ll watch the same dumb comedies over and over, but if I turn on Law and Order, he’ll leave the room.

My husband will not answer the phone or the door. He acts like he’s afraid to – doesn’t know what to do. Honestly, I don’t know how he lived before caller ID. When the phone rings, he looks at the name on the caller ID and whines like a baby, “It’s the hair salon. What should I do? I don’t know what to do.” To which I respond, “You answer it.” Most of the time he sits there staring at the phone until the machine picks up, then makes excuses for not answering because the machine already picked up.

He also doesn’t want to socialize. Doesn’t want to go to anything we’re invited to, and doesn’t want any friends coming over to the house.

I’ve talked to my therapist about this, and she believes he has social anxiety. He also has some OCD going on. Like your husband, mine is also fixated on one band, has every CD they ever released (imports, remixes, bonus tracks . . . sometimes 5 or more copies of the same album). Knows every worthless piece of trivia possible about them. On and on.

The big difference between your husband and mine is the drinking. Mine has maybe one or two beers on the weekend, but I’ve never seen him get drunk, so I don’t know about that part of it.

If you could convince him to go to therapy with you, it might really help. I know that’s easier said than done. My husband (I’m guessing many men) has a real problem with therapy. He thinks therapy is for women, because women like to talk about their problems. I DID get him go to some couples therapy with me, but we didn’t get anywhere. He wouldn’t talk, and in some cases lied to the doctor. He didn't want her to know that he had problems, and she ended up telling me I was wasting my time, because you can't help someone who doesn't WANT to be helped.

Therapy only works if the person is aware that they have a problem, and is willing to admit that they need help. That’s the hard part. If you can get him to see a doctor with you, it would probably give you some answers, but getting there is half the battle.

[Ami]

Dear Kelly
 I think the love you are talking about must come to you. I have it with Bill. I have never had it before.Maria had it with one person. I think it is once in a lifetime or never.
 However, the pain of living in our own skins is always there--great love or not. The NM robbed us of security and self esteem and even the perfect man can not remedy that.
 He can help but our climb up is solitary.
 That is where I am. I am so insecure from constant badgering and haranging from my NM. She wanted to snuff me out and almost did. She hated my identity worse than anything.
 My greatest dream is to love myself. I would chose this before an external love. For me, the external love helps me to love myself but sometimes I am appalled at how far I have to go to have simple respect for myself.
  I think God gave me this gift . Three  months after I met Bill, Scott died. 
 God is the answer. He will show you the way if you reach out to Him and surrender. My way was unconventional but God is so much more than anyone can ever know. His ways are higher than ours, as you know.
Love to you,   Ami

[Lupita]

have you consider the possibility to be alone with your children? In peace? With no man in the house? Just curious. Yousiad that the next man would be another with addictions, why do you have to have another?