My N sister srikes again...

[janisty07]

   I have been trying so very hard to not react to my N sister and her antics...  But "our" mother 76 yrs of age just cannot accept her as being sick, she just keeps trying to reason with her and lets her get the best of her all the time. 
I am so afraid that my sister's behavior towards "our" mother will end up being the death of her.  Our mom just cannot, or maybe will not accept the fact that my sister (her daughter) is just sick!...... 
I am in probably going to loose my house to foreclosure, and it is a mentally exhausting, nerve wrenching experience to be going through.  To find out today that my sister is "thrilled" to hear this may be happening is just gut wrenching for me.  I know there isn't any love lost between us, (by no fault of my own)....   I've tried and tried, she has made it clear that she hates me, and "HOPES I DROP OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH"... Knowing that someone is getting off because of my  pain just makes me sick...  She told my father this morning when confronting for some of her hurtful comments that she had made to "our" mother, By the way, AT LEAST IT ISN'T ME WHO IS LOOSING THEIR HOUSE!!!"  and then she laughed.  I don't know how  to deal anymore.  I try to ignore her hurtful comments, and pretend that they don't bother me, but of course they do...  I have a 10 year old son, who I love more than my own life....  Hearing that my sister is saying these things hurts me very badly.   

[Ami]

Dear Jan
 I wish I could make it better. Your sister sounds like a nightmare. Your M sounds clueless.
 You are hurting b/c you want a family who loves you and sees you.
  It is  sad . N's destroy.They tear you apart .
  I understand (((Jan))).     Love to you, Ami
 

[janisty07]

Thank you so much for your reply..  Any encouraging words from people that actually get it mean the world to me..  I know it's not healthy for my mother who I cherish~ and who my heart aches for because of my n sister's treatment of her (all of us, actually, but especially my mother because no matter how much I try to explain just how sick my sister is to my mom, she does not want to accept her daughter  being sick, and still thinks there is someway that she can get through to her.  No matter how hard I try to be there for my mom, I constantly fail when it comes to being able to divert her attention away from thinking about my N sister, and my mother's
only grand daughter who my sister has kept away from her since all of this has started.  She cries every day of her life.  I want to comfort her and tell her that everything will be alright, but deep down, I know it won't be. What really concerns me is that my mother is getting up there in age and this will end up being the death of my mom.  If nothing else she will die from a broken heart. 
Dealing with a N sister is very tiring.  It has taken it's toll on my mother and my father's health.  I am at my wits end having to deal with it, but it is a part of my life and my family's life.  Some days I wish I could just move far away from it all, and allow my sister to be the center of "our" parent's universe. 
Thanks again to anyone that can share their experiences of dealing with N's...... It really does help..!

Love & prayers,

Jan

[mudpuppy]

janisty,

Your situation sounds very similar to mine.
Do everything you can to keep your mother from turning on you and your son, because that is your sister's intent; to isolate and ostracize you entirely from the rest of your family.

mud

[JustKathy]

Jan,

I don't have any real advice for you, but let me tell you, I TOTALLY understand. I just came back to this board after a lengthy absence to post about an issue of my own, and decided to read some other posts first. The N in my life is my mother, not sister, but the behavior is exactly the same.

With your house, wow, do I ever get that. All of my life I have been very successful and have had nice homes. Pretty middle class, nothing "high end," but still better than what M ever had, and she has HATED me for it. I have owned maybe 10 different homes in my life, and M has never set foot in a single one of them. She has refused to come inside. At one point, my father came to visit, and M sat outside in the car. All I ever got were remarks about me "not deserving to have a nice house."

Well, a few years ago the tide changed on us, and we lost all of our money in real estate. We aren't going into foreclosure, but we used our life savings as the downpayment, and the house is now WAY underwater on the mortgage. Oh my, M is DELIGHTED. I no longer speak to her, but she has sent hubby several emails asking if we're going to lose the house. She's jumping up and down at the prospect of it.

As for your mother accepting your sister's illness, it's probably a matter of won't more than can't. My father has known for 40 years that my mother has issues, but has chosen to put his head in the sand. My therapist thinks that he simply doesn't know how to deal with it, so pretends everything is okay. It's a coping mechanism.

Again, I don't have any answers for you (though sure wish I could help). Just want you to know that everything you said hit home with me. What you described is textbook N behavior. You are NOT alone in this.

K

[janisty07]

Thanks for your post.  It means a great deal to me!  It helps me to sort of put things in perspective.  I know how hard it's been for me dealing with a N sister all of these years.  I see what it is doing to my mother dealing with a N daughter.  I can't even imagine having a N mother.  I've been trying so hard to understand where my sister acquired the N behavior from???   I have noticed that my mother is a bit self centered.  But I don't think that it could be the reason for my sister being the way she is.  I mean, she has two daughters and I do not feel at all like me N sister does.  What makes one daughter such a narcissist, and one not???
I guess this will be a life long struggle for me as well as my mother, trying to figure my sister out?

Thanks again,

Jan

[Hopalong]

As sad as it's been to see the end of my family this year,
I see primal locked-together 'til-death-us-do-part family duels
and realize I should be on my knees grateful

to have it gone.

The grip is so fierce and the embrace is so engulfing.

Makes me angry for you and wish I could YANK you away from them...

Hops

[rosencrantz]

Ooh - I saw echoes in those words about hoping you drop off the face of the earth.

I'm now renting my home and the landlords are completely insane!  Arrived unannounced one day shouting that I was too expensive and I should find somewhere else to live.  They decided to deal with their dilemma  I knew nothing about by complaining about all sorts of minor things. I defended the fact I hadn't changed a light bulb because the medication I was on for cancer  made me too wobbly to get up on a ladder to reach. This gave them the opportunity to shout "Why don't you hurry up and die".

Blimey!  Was I in shock!!  I was also frightened because I didn't want my subconscious listening to any negative messages - it's far too obedient!!! 

The interaction preyed on my mind for a while but then one day I managed to get a grip on it.  Most of the people in my life deal with things by being 'passive aggressive' - really insidious - you can never exactly put your finger on what's going on and you can't 'prove' what they're doing either - it's just a case of 'oh I forgot' etc etc etc

But hey - my landlords - they're something else.  They are in-your-face-plain-ugly-NASTY! 

I never knew people could be like that.  But hey - they ARE.  And they're like that to most people - and I think they're like that because it's the only way they know how to deal with their own fear (and guilt and resentment and all the many other feelings they may have)

It's not the way I deal with people.  It doesn't help me deal iwth them any better (I'm still scared of their impact on me!)

They are ignorant, ill-educated, insensitive - and must have had a pretty rough childhood and family life to act the way they do - and not even care about it.

Are they N?  Is there some AS at play?  I really don't know.  Somewhere, maybe.

But do they have a happy life?  Absolutely not.

Do I care?

Absolutely NOT!

It sounds to me that the foreclosure is a blessing in disguise - you have a great excuse to have your wish and move far, far away (you can say it's where living is cheaper, whether it is or not) and not have to keep facing the impact of your sister's ridiculously childish behaviour.  Take the blessing with both hands and KNOW you can build a better life.  Give your child a parent who isn't blown about by other people's 'stuff' and doesn't put herself in the line of fire.  That's a GOOD example of how to live your life.  Help your child not perpetuate this sick family dynamic in his own life.

Many people have said to me that my elderly mother has to live her OWN life.  You and I cannot change our parents at this late stage - however painfully we feel the  tragedy of their lives - and truthfully, they don't want to change.  If your mother wants the distress her other daughter causes - you don't have to be part of the dynamic however magnetic it may feel (I agree with you totally, Hops!)

I double dare you - go on!  Be ruthless and care for yourself.  Put a barrier between you and your sister.  Refuse to listen to anything about her.  Just say 'NO'.  Stick your fingers in your ears and go 'nah nah nah'.  You don't need to feed the little demon inside you who WANTS to be blown off course by her.  Otherwise you'll fail and then say 'it's her fault'.  If you're going to fail, at least do it  by your own hand because THEN, by your own hand, you can pick yourself up again and this time SUCCEED.  I'll be having a go at doing the same thing myself!!

Good luck, ((Janisty07))

[BonesMS]

Ooh - I saw echoes in those words about hoping you drop off the face of the earth.

I'm now renting my home and the landlords are completely insane!  Arrived unannounced one day shouting that I was too expensive and I should find somewhere else to live.  They decided to deal with their dilemma  I knew nothing about by complaining about all sorts of minor things. I defended the fact I hadn't changed a light bulb because the medication I was on for cancer  made me too wobbly to get up on a ladder to reach. This gave them the opportunity to shout "Why don't you hurry up and die".

Blimey!  Was I in shock!!  I was also frightened because I didn't want my subconscious listening to any negative messages - it's far too obedient!!! 

The interaction preyed on my mind for a while but then one day I managed to get a grip on it.  Most of the people in my life deal with things by being 'passive aggressive' - really insidious - you can never exactly put your finger on what's going on and you can't 'prove' what they're doing either - it's just a case of 'oh I forgot' etc etc etc

But hey - my landlords - they're something else.  They are in-your-face-plain-ugly-NASTY! 

I never knew people could be like that.  But hey - they ARE.  And they're like that to most people - and I think they're like that because it's the only way they know how to deal with their own fear (and guilt and resentment and all the many other feelings they may have)

It's not the way I deal with people.  It doesn't help me deal iwth them any better (I'm still scared of their impact on me!)

They are ignorant, ill-educated, insensitive - and must have had a pretty rough childhood and family life to act the way they do - and not even care about it.

Are they N?  Is there some AS at play?  I really don't know.  Somewhere, maybe.

But do they have a happy life?  Absolutely not.

Do I care?

Absolutely NOT!

It sounds to me that the foreclosure is a blessing in disguise - you have a great excuse to have your wish and move far, far away (you can say it's where living is cheaper, whether it is or not) and not have to keep facing the impact of your sister's ridiculously childish behaviour.  Take the blessing with both hands and KNOW you can build a better life.  Give your child a parent who isn't blown about by other people's 'stuff' and doesn't put herself in the line of fire.  That's a GOOD example of how to live your life.  Help your child not perpetuate this sick family dynamic in his own life.

Many people have said to me that my elderly mother has to live her OWN life.  You and I cannot change our parents at this late stage - however painfully we feel the  tragedy of their lives - and truthfully, they don't want to change.  If your mother wants the distress her other daughter causes - you don't have to be part of the dynamic however magnetic it may feel (I agree with you totally, Hops!)

I double dare you - go on!  Be ruthless and care for yourself.  Put a barrier between you and your sister.  Refuse to listen to anything about her.  Just say 'NO'.  Stick your fingers in your ears and go 'nah nah nah'.  You don't need to feed the little demon inside you who WANTS to be blown off course by her.  Otherwise you'll fail and then say 'it's her fault'.  If you're going to fail, at least do it  by your own hand because THEN, by your own hand, you can pick yourself up again and this time SUCCEED.  I'll be having a go at doing the same thing myself!!

Good luck, ((Janisty07))

Hey, Rosencrantz!

Those landlords sound like a piece of work!!!!!

Do you have a landlord-tenant commission in your area, or a mediator?  You have the legal right to enjoy the peace of your own home, landlords or not and that right can be enforced by the powers-that-be!  What part of the country are you in?  I might be able to locate some resources for you.

Bones

[rosencrantz]

Thanks Bones - I decided that I wanted peace in my head NOW rather than 'dealing' with them, especially as there's nothing to stop them giving me two months notice at any time and I actually like living here - I have a lovely view and lovely neighbours and it's convenient. I've accepted they are not going to play their part in the landlord-tenant deal - but truthfully, why should I care? I shall deal with it when I leave if necessary. They've trapped me into some negative thinking which isn't so good. Grrr!  Unfortunately the managing agents are the ones who have stirred everything up.  Oh dear - guess why.  I trained as a solicitor and I rent out a house of my own - and I knew they weren't doing what they're supposed to do under new regulations...so instead of a 'let's put that right' they decided to make life as difficult for me as possible.  And these landlords are particularly easy to stimulate.  They are well known to the neighbours.

Hey - do you see a pattern here.  I know things - and people don't like it.

It's embarrassing.

I sometimes wish I had AS myself - and a diagnosis - as then I'd have an excuse for getting up everyone's nose!!  Maybe I have - you never know!!!

I think my problem - if I have a problem - is that I can't do empathy and thinking at the same time.  Thinking shuts down the empathy.  And vice versa.  I can either understand you better than you understand yourself and make you feel safe and cared for - or I can give you an intellectual analysis.  Maybe I need two buttons on my coat and invite people to press whichever one they want before they start talking to me :  empathy or intellect.  I, Robot.    Proof positive that I'll never please all the people all the time.

<grin>?