Chronic Victimization is the result of when we accept and operate on the shameful messages that we internalized as a result of the abandonment. It is a combination of not believing in our own worth and not developing the skills that go with a belief in our worthiness. Setting limits is one such skill. When we have internalized beliefs, such as “I am not worthy,” “I am not of value,” “Other people are more important than me,” or “Other people are more worthy,” this it is difficult to set limits.
Boy... is this a good description of what I struggle with! I bolded a couple things....
ACCEPT: the way I "accept" the old, past victimization is through paying heed to the self-abusive statements in my head - at least most of the time. There are other ways, too. Like not asking for what I want, or not setting a boundary, and definitely not giving my self, what I know I need. Gotta always talk back to those messages...
BELIEVING IN OUR OWN WORTH: well... let's see... if it's important that other people have _______________; then WHY NOT ME? Regardless of race, gender, religion or PAST HISTORY... we all have basic human needs and rights. It's not a perfect world, so not everyone has the same things... but we are ALL free to seek to achieve them; pursuit of happiness and all that.
DEVELOPING THE SKILLS: well, this will be a long process; something I know I will be revisiting more than once and it's what I'm working on now... I'm really good at creating boundaries that continue to isolate myself - but inexperienced (tho I'm trying) at creating the kind of flexible boundaries that allow me to connect with others. This is just as delicate a process as if I were a first-grader again (I didn't go to kindergarten) and learning how to interact - play nice - with others. Lots of dusting myself off, learning that it's OK if not everyone likes me... and learning that I betray myself by chameleon-like changing myself to please others for the sake of that "connection".
And LIMITS... well, I've just this week homed in on the fact that I have absolutely no internal boundaries for behavior. Sure I have all the societal, religious, and even personal "shoulds" and "should nots" firmly planted in my brain (maybe too firmly!). But the type of boundaries I'm talking about are limits... and yes, these are connected to feeling that I'm important enough to have limits imposed...
Steven Farmer talks about what "good fathers" provide for their children:
steadiness (consistency?), protectivenss, caring and encouragement
guides, directs,
sets limits, encourages and sometimes offers tough, nonabusive love
And through my attachment thread... I discovered a fact that I'd overlooked in all this work, on my relationship with my mom... all told, I have about 20 distinct memories of interacting with my dad before the divorce; THAT'S ALL. The rest of the time, he simply wasn't there in my life. And my T said it - but I misinterpreted her meaning - "you're not scared of him". Well, DUH, Amber! Of course not - he wasn't involved in PARENTING and wasn't setting "limits". My mother simply wouldn't let him; she did everything possible to keep him away from my brother and me. Even as adults, we had to sneak around to go visit my dad - so Mom didn't get mad. JEEEEEZZZ!!!!!
It was always my mom - creating limits and blaming the restriction on my dad - then turning around giving me permission to do "what Daddy would never let you do" - which activity, of course, was completely inappropriate for my age. Not only was that confusing (part of the gaslighting campaign). But I now see that it was all because she was JEALOUS - and not of my dad; she was jealous of ME. Because even as dysfunctional as my dad was,
he let me be me - stood up for me to mymother - and I worshipped him. In my eyes, he could do no wrong... and so I accepted the day-to-day and eventually permanent, abandonment by him... and helplessness, worthlessness that went along with abandonment.
Guess I was unwittingly involved in what's now called "alienation of affection" in children of divorce.
But I'll take the rest of this over to my thread. Just tossing this much out for discussion... comparison... connection -
you weren't the only one, GS. Definitely NOT ALONE in these kinds of experiences.