Sexism makes one voiceless

[Hopalong]

Just hit me, dealing with issues of disrespect at work, needing to be assertive but then stuffing it because there would be blowback; perpetual second-classness despite my equal contributions to the company.

Anyway, thought I'd make the truism above a topic subject and see if anyone else wants to vent about it!

Hops

[farfaraway]

Sexism (discriminatory or abusive behavior towards members of the opposite sex)

Read this article, it is prob the reason I dress only in pants or too large button up shirts.  One is not to be laughed at and the other is to hid all my imperfections, and on a personal note,  I really don't want to scare anyone or traumatize them.  Oh boy this is tough issue, thanks for posting it, I need to reflect on this one.  I am working on my story, I am sure it will get deeper in this area.

This link, almost made me throw up, but it is truthful and mean.

A Culture Saturated in Sexism

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/arts/article804590.ece

[lighter]

Sorry you had a bad day Hops.

I hope it was just passing and can be addressed through a backdoor...... without blowback.

Assert yourself....

you're worthy.

Mo2

[Hopalong]

I'm sorry, Far...I know you have reasons to stand proud, be proud, and be unashamed.

M02, thank you for responding--the sexism at work is pervasive and continual and enforced indirectly by policy. I find it scalding. There's no redress because it's a small company and stems from the owner.

But I do learn things, in dealing with it within myself. It brings me very close to religious issues of forgiveness and compassion daily.

xo
Hops

[farfaraway]

Just hit me, dealing with issues of disrespect at work, needing to be assertive but then stuffing it because there would be blowback; perpetual second-classness despite my equal contributions to the company.

Anyway, thought I'd make the truism above a topic subject and see if anyone else wants to vent about it!

Hops

I am finding that I picked up a few bad habits from the N's in my life.  Right now I feel so ill equiped to even notice what people are saying on the board, I do want to respond in a helpful way, I end up deleting what I have to say.  I sometimes get hit,sudden thoughts hat am insensitive with my words, did I say the wrong thing and hurt someone?  I realize that I did not even read this issue about dealing with issues of disrespect at work, that I completely snuffed the issue out with my incapablity to respond.  I do feel for you Hops.

 I find that most of the time as women, as mothers we are classified as being held at a sorta perpetual lower class.  I understand that.  I wonder if maybe, work if it is stressful and your stuffing, would a plan like say writing or recording of course (openly, legal) to whoever was being so disrespectful.  Like a critical analysis essay, maybe later you could publish it.  Geeze this is tough for me.  I have had to leave many a job because of this very thing at work, I got sick....had to take stress leave, it seemed as though no matter what you do, how hard you work or creative you are, someone  (boss)  gets credit for it and calls it their own idea.  I am rambling cause I gues the world needs to change more, sometimes we work at the same place out of fear of the blowback.  I guess what I am really saying...is it worth your health to stay?

[Hopalong]

Hi Far,
Please don't be critical of your own posts...let 'em flow. Sometimes you'll have a lot to say, sometimes nothing at all, sometimes you'll be more vocal in response to one person's thread or post, sometimes another...it's all good and we're not being graded!

I wish I could leave the job. I don't have the strength right now, I'm 59, don't have another job lined up, about to try to buy a house. So...I'm stuck for the moment.

Confronting him (an N) feels dangerous. I don't trust him to respond fairly.

So I have work I can do in the meanwhile, which is mainly observing myself, managing my own reactions.

Hops

[Ami]

How does the sexism manifest itself, Hops?          Ami

[Hopalong]

My boss has placed me in a second tier although I have done the company's marketing for almost 3 years, he has profited, and we have thrived despite the recession. I have edited every word he publishes on our blog and web site, done clever, creative ads, increased our brand recognition to the point of getting us on HGTV, and in a separate role for business development, I have already exceeded this year's goals for bringing on board new dealers.

I am extremely effective, and I'm also our top individual salesperson! I give him ridiculously high value for my wee salary and he knows it. I am also the only woman here (except for a new hire--very young one with no similar experience yet). I am our exact demographic and have a great deal of understanding of our consumers. (That's why he had me rewrite the whole web site.) We're high in Google rankings, we've inspired competitors.

He asks my opinion (one on one) and makes many changes and decisions based on my advice.

Yet, when he formed the company's board, he lied to me...said it was really meaningless, just to give the young production manager a good thing to state on his resume. Meanwhile, he made the Accounting Dir. a VP, and when I specifically asked to be included on the Board, he said No. He treats the young men worshipfully, constantly making remarks as though they ARE the company...and devalues my contributions repeatedly. And the Board has turned into the power center.

The other day, all the men made plans to go tubing on the river together, right in front of me and my young female colleague. They didn't even invite us. It is beyond hurtful.

There is a top-down sexism. He (boss) acts out a lot of his psychosexual confusion by constantly, constantly making gender-related remarks, stereotype comments about women (and even men). Most, to me, because we are the same age and I've listened to him and know him (way too) well. The other day I was explaining to him in a completely professional way that a graphic designer I work with has been late with deadlines and so I'm needing to remind him more than usual. It was just a not-particularly-important work remark. He comes right to my desk and says to me in a low voice: He just needs to be well oiled up. If you stroke him, he'll respond.

I felt sick. Not shocked by the remark (I'm not a prude, it's the power play of it)--recognizing that helpless feeling of having someone in power act out their sexual stuff and play games with your mind...because they can. He has hurt me badly before, manipulated me, kicked me when I'm down. He is a classic, classic, somatic N.

So...that's most of it.

Hops

[lighter]

Oh Blech, Hops.

I think I just threw up in my mouth

Mo2

[sKePTiKal]

Hopsy, I think you've made a great start on writing a resume just by telling us about your job!! Even though I completely understand how the idea of more major change doesn't even look tempting right now...

you'd be surprised how that skill set you covered might open a lot of doors for you. Remember - folks our age are STILL babyboomers - and we're still a bigger demographic than younger folk. A LOT of marketing people haven't quite figured that out yet... they're stuck in the "youth culture" being the biggest market... and haven't realized that big market grew up and our tastes have changed. But employers know they don't have to teach us basic work skills and that we have a work ethic.

I used to be in a similar situation with my boss. It just makes your skin crawl or throw up, like Mo2 said. There is no pat advice in that situation. When I started expressing myself clearly and marking/enforcing boundaries with him, he called me on it and said he wanted to talk about my "attitude"... like I was his 10 yr old daughter. I was planning on and able to give notice in a few days. And I let him think whatever delusions he entertains himself with. After 9 years and with a mission-critical tech job, I only gave him 2 weeks notice. His only comment - when I insisted I wouldn't be available for consulting - was that my POSITION was too important to only give 2 weeks. I didn't back down and I didn't return the inevitable phone calls I got after I was gone, either.

Our talented programmer left a month later... and I'll bet HE was important... not just his position. The way women (and some less senior men) were treated is actually one of the reasons the programmer left.

Eventually, karma will catch up with him and then those that have been aware for a long, long time and could've done something about it... will finally have to deal with it and their own denial of responsibility. Can ya tell I'm not really "over it" yet??????

[Ami]

 I didn't realize there was that much sexism around. I guess a business owner can hide it as your guy is doing. I am sorry you are going through that, Hops.       Ami